comfortably numb

FUCK UP

2011-10-06T00:11:00.002-04:00

F is for failure
I always fail, I'll never win
U is for ugly
too fat, no longer thin
C is for crazy
not sane enough to fit
K is for kid
not grown up enough to commit

U is for ugly
I told you once before
P is for pissed off
I can't take it anymore

FUCK UP is what it spells
FUCK UP is what I see
FUCK UP is what I do
it's what I'll always be

Done (for now)

2011-02-16T02:03:00.002-05:00

The clock reads 2:11

The day's officially done

And though it was really hard

I think I may have finally won

It's not like it's easy now

Every day is hard

I still have to fight it

I can't let down my guard

But the memories on Valentines

They make me so upset

They make the suffering more real

And fill me with regret

But, I made it through the day

And I'll admit that I did cry

But I didn't cut, or burn, or smoke

And I never tried to die

I Can't

2011-02-14T04:23:00.003-05:00

I don't think I can do this

The urge is gonna win

I'm just not strong enough

And I want to give in

I know that I shouldn't

I know I should fight

But it's all just too much

Especially tonight

There's too much heartache

Too much pain

And it hurts too much

To try and maintain

I just want to cut

See the blood running free

So I'll know my heart's beating

Inside of me

Or else burn myself

Let the blister rise

Then pop it and with it

All my anguish dies

Or if I could just smoke

It would at least reduce the need

Maybe long enough

For something else to intercede

But I can't cut

I can't burn

I can't smoke

I only yearn

So for now I'm stuck here

I can't even sleep

So I lie in my bed

And it hurts, and I weep

New Years Eve (again....)

2010-12-31T23:06:00.003-05:00

The clock says 10:31

The year's still twenty ten

An hour and 29 minutes

And what will happen then?

Everyone is counting down

To the start of a new year

They're all just so excited

But I'm just filled with fear

I don't know what's coming

I don't know what's next

But I can't imagine it's good

When I seem to be hexed

Will this year hold more pain?

More sorrow? More despair?

Will anything change my life?

Wake me from this nightmare?

Cause nothing ever changes

Everything still hurts

Nothing gets "all better"

Despite my best efforts

I wish I could just leave

This world so full of pain

But no matter what I try

I still seem to remain

So I'll fake a smile at midnight

And cheer the New Year in

But the delight will be a facade

I'll be silently screaming within

UNSTABLE

2010-12-01T01:19:00.002-05:00

I'm not strong enough for this

It's simply, just too hard

I can't ever relax

There's no letting down my guard

Every class talks about something

That hits too close to home

I cry, dissociate & panic

And then write another poem

I'm too much like the clients

Or, rather, they're too much like me

If I have these problems myself,

How can I help them to see?

They'll see that I'm not normal

They'll see that I'm a mess

They'll see that I'm not stable

Everyone will start to guess

They'll make assumptions about what's wrong

And what I can & can't control

They'll assume with all my problems

There's no way I could be whole

And the assumptions will be right

I'm a broken little girl

I've been broken for so long

I'll always be this ugly knurl

I'm wrapped around this shattered identity

That's been mine for far too long

And now it's all I have

This feeling that I'm wrong

That's what everyone sees

Because it's what I know

I'll always be unstable

and it will always show

maybe....

2010-12-01T01:14:00.002-05:00

maybe i want you to see

maybe i want you to know

the things that i do

that i don't let show

maybe i wish people noticed

maybe i wish i could tell

but i'd be seen as "not normal"

i'd be considered unwell

maybe i want to get caught

maybe i want to be found out

so i don't have to whisper

so i can scream & shout

maybe i think it's normal

maybe i think that i'm still good

i don't think i should be set apart

or labeled misunderstood

maybe i want it in the open

maybe i don't want to hide

the way it feels to be me

and the way it shows outside

maybe i tried to tell you

maybe i even let it show

cause maybe i wanted your help

maybe i wanted you to know

reality

2010-12-01T01:08:00.003-05:00

Picture perfect memories

Scattered on the wall

Reminders of a perfect life

That wasn't real at all

Tokens of a time

when my life appeared so good

When I always did things right

Did them as I should

But that facade has fallen

And the sadness now shows through

It's no longer happiness and smiles

For me to show you

Depression has found it's way

Into that picture perfect life

And now that happy little girl

Daily picks up the knife

She cuts out all her worries

She burns out all their lies

She bleeds away the pain

Growing closer to her demise

One of these days her eyes will open

She'll be able to see

The little girl was never happy

This sadness is reality....

Stupid Doctor

2010-12-01T01:02:00.002-05:00

He wasn't very gentle

Just cutting & scraping away

Like because I'm into SI

That makes hurting me ok

Well, I'll tell you- it's not!

It's not alright to cause me pain

Just because I hurt myself

Doesn't mean you can do the same

Cutting myself is one thing

It helps me not to feel so bad

But someone else, doing the same

Makes me burning hot MAD

Hurting myself is a problem I have

It's a habit, that's not good

And I don't want others to do it

Just cause they think they could

You shouldn't hurt anyone

Whether or not they care

And hurting me cause I'm sad

Simply isn't fair

CYW??

2010-12-01T00:55:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I can do this

It hits too close to home

They tell the whole class stories

And they're mine, and mine alone

I don't want everyone to know

I hide it for a reason

There's a time & place for things to come out

Now is not the setting or season

My life is no one's but my own

I'm in it, literally, all alone

My world is dead, and icy cold

No hands in reach for me to hold

No arms around to hold me tight

No one to tuck me in at night

No lips to whisper "I love you"

No one to tell me what to do

All that's here is lots of fear

And pain that falls with every tear

Each time I laugh, it hurts inside

And whenever I smile, I feel like I've lied

Maybe I should become a writer

Something where I don't need to be such a fighter

It's easier if I don't have to deal

With all of this shit that I think & feel

My Valentine

2010-12-01T00:50:00.002-05:00

Valentines Day is almost here

It's rolling around again

Will this day always hurt like this?

Always be so full of pain?

I miss him so much

I just want him back

My heart is so heavy

And it's got a big crack

Why did he have to go?

And leave me all alone?

Now I can't even call him,

To hear his voice on the phone....

I just want to be with him

This day only makes it worse

I can't believe he's gone

It's some kind of fucked up curse

We should have been together

He was supposed to be mine

But he'll always be with me in spirit

My forever Valentine

2010-12-01T00:45:00.002-05:00

Does he think that this is funny?

Some sort of twisted, fucked up joke?

Cause for a moment I freeze & my heart skips a beat

When I see that one word - "poke"

Or the way he writes my name

Spelt with an extra 'E'

Daniel knew it wasn't right

But it was like his nickname for me

I don't know who writes it now

But I don't like it anymore

It hurts now that I know he's gone

My heart is tired and sore

Why would someone do this?

Playing games with my head....

Isn't it enough?
Just hearing that he's dead??

So I pushed the 'block' button

Even though it hurt like hell

I said a silent good-bye prayer

As the tears all silently fell

2010-12-01T00:41:00.003-05:00

I've nowhere to run

I've nowhere to hide

It's so hard to conceal

All that's inside

My life is a secret

From everyone but me

No one knows it all

Every piece to my story

And I will never tell

Cause it all just sounds so bad

I'm afraid no one will want me

If they know of this life I've had

Not that anyone wants me now

But somehow it's not the same

It'd be worse if they all knew

Of my past and where I came

And so I keep it hidden

Underneath my baggy clothes

And around the world turns..

.. on my life goes ....

Our Island

2010-12-01T00:31:00.004-05:00

Up here on Claire Island

Surrounded by family

Our beautiful, secret hideaway

Passed down through the family tree

Our own private getaway

Here on Lac Des Illes

Such a spectacular place

Oh, so carefully concealed

The sparkling, blue lake water

The green of trees & grass

The call of the loons on the lake

The children's contagious laughs

No telephones or video games

Such peace & tranquility

It's just such a beautiful place

So, why doesn't it get through to me?

My heart remains cold & empty

With a past I can't simply erase

And I can't help but still feel sad

Even in the magic of this place

The gorgeous weather here

Cannot warm my frozen heaert

And with all these friends & family

I'll never have a brand new start

And so, I will go swimming

But in shorts & long sleeved shirts

And I'll stay here in 'paradise'

But it won't take away the hurts

At night the lights go out

I sit in darkness, having a smoke

Then press the tip into my soft flesh

Careful no one is awoke

Then I pull my sleeve back down

I hide it all away

My cookie cutter skin is out of sight

At least for another day

Daniel

2010-12-01T00:23:00.002-05:00

They say he's dead, but he's not gone

At least, he's not to me

He's just someone who lives far away

Someone I never see

Too many people care for him

He wouldn't commit suicide

All he needs to do is run to me

And in my arms, he can hide

I will provide his shelter

I won't let anyone see his face

I'll care for him & keep him safe

In my warm embrace

I'll protect him from life's storms

Together we can make it through

We'll deal with life, side by side

It's always easier with two

I swear, he isn't dead

Even though we are apart

He will never really go

He'll live on in my heart

2010-12-01T00:15:00.002-05:00

Don't play the guilt card

I've had enough

You don't know how hard it is

To quit this kind of stuff

. .

I'm sick of people telling me

The effects this has on THEM

If I'm going to stop this

It's me who'll decide when

. .

You don't need to say a word

I can see it in your eyes

Each time my sleeve slips up

A little part of you dies

. .

You see, it's not just you

It's everyone I know

They can't stand what I do

And I can't bear to let it show

. .

That's why I wear long sleeves

And hide it all from sight

When no one sees what's wrong

I can pretend that I'm alright

. .

Someday I might get better

But it will be for me

Not because of others

And the things they think they see

St. Louis- #3

2010-09-20T00:05:00.003-04:00

I'm so sick and tired

Of not being believed

They say coming here was my choice

But I feel I've been deceived

Here, when I speak,

It's all a lie

When I weep, I am told

"Just 'choose' not to cry"

I'm tired of everyone thinking

That I chose to be this way

No one wants to live like this

No matter what they say

I'm telling the truth

Why do they always question it?

All of this mistrust

Just makes me want to quit

I want to go home to my parents

At least they usually believe me

I won't be babysat

Or held under lock and key

Maybe I don't even need to go home

I really just want a way out

So I'll kill myself while I'm here

Death is one thing they can't doubt

For once you're dead, you're dead

No if's, and's, or but's

I'll finally be gone

My eyes forever shut

Getting Out of St. Louis

2010-09-20T00:00:00.002-04:00

I miss my kids

I miss my home

Why must I be here?

So utterly alone....

I miss my Mom

I miss my Dad

How did I turn into this?

When did I get so bad?

I miss my school

I miss my job

I've broken down

I sob and sob

I miss real food

I miss my bed

Would anyone care

If I was found dead?

I miss my family

I miss my friends

But like all good things

It eventually ends

I miss my independence

I miss being in control

I want it all back

Getting out is my goal

St. Louis- #2

2010-09-19T23:55:00.002-04:00

I can't live like this

It's not working out

Nobody believes things

I tell them about

What's the point?

They don't believe what I say

How can I trust them?

Why should I stay?

Trust goes both ways

You don't get it for free

So why should I trust them,

When they don't trust me?

At home, at least

I'm believed when I speak

No one disagrees with me

Or turns the other cheek

I don't want to be here

I don't want to try

I want to give up

I just want to die

Leaving St. Louis

2010-09-19T23:49:00.002-04:00

I'd made up my mind

I was going to stay

But they've made theirs up too

I'll be going away

Much liquid was spilled

Tears of salt and tears of blood

Now my future's so unclear

It's dark and thick like mud

Soon I'll be going home

But I still don't know when

I've lost another chance

I've fucked it up again

I'm sorry Mom and Dad

I know that you don't want me back

So I'll try and make it quick

I'll be out of your way like 'that'

No point in paying for the plane

The money's just a waste

When he's already calling me

Death's close enough to taste

Please, don't bring me back

Please, don't even try

The return would just be pointless

I'd be coming home to die

St. Louis- #1

2010-09-19T23:00:00.002-04:00

It's getting so hard

It's much worse at night

I don't know if I can make it

If I have the strength to fight

I swore when I left home

"There's no coming back"

But now that I'm here

That certainty, I lack

I'm worn out and broken

All I do is cry

It's so hard just to be here

Let alone to try

I want to sleep in my own bed

And eat whatever I choose

To be free in the afternoon

If I want to take a snooze

I'm 25 years old

And being treated like a child

I like making my own choices

And sometimes acting wild

I can't do this anymore

I'm drowning in my tears

I don't know where I need to be

But I know that it's not here

I Never Even Took Off....

2010-09-19T22:51:00.002-04:00

When I was a child

I had so many dreams

But as I've gotten older

They've all died, it seems

I wanted to be an actress

But I was too shy for the stage

I wanted to be a mother

But I wasn't the right age

I wanted to fight fires

But they were more fun to light

I wanted to be a bride

In a beautiful dress of white

I wanted to be a doctor

But that took too much school

I wanted to be a police woman

Enforcing every rule

I wanted to be a teacher

Helping children read and write

I wanted to be an artist

But all I knew was black and white

I wanted to be a paramedic

So I could help others in need

I wanted to be an author

Writing stories for people to read

I wanted to be a bad girl

But I wasn't very tough

I wanted to be a princess

But I wasn't pretty enough

I wanted to be a therapist

But I couldn't even fix me

I wanted to be an athlete

But then I had brain surgery

I wanted to be a singer

But I couldn't make the sound

I wanted to be an astronaut

But I never left the ground

"I wanted to be an astronaut. To fly so high, so far from this whole, wide world. But I didn't have to worry about a crash landing, because I never even took off."

Jesus Will Heal

2010-09-19T22:44:00.002-04:00

I've been cut, I've been burned

I've been broken, bent and torn

I have hoped, I have prayed

I have wished I wasn't born

I've been hurt, I've been cracked

I've been tripped, and told, and tried

I have screamed, I have yelled

I have wept and cursed and cried

I have fallen to the floor

And been too weak to rise

I have crawled on hands and knees

Tears falling from my eyes

But things can get better

They can't get much worse

I'm able to get well

If God will lift this curse

I'll be able to walk in freedom

No more cuts, or burns, or tears

No more clawing at my heart

No more giving in to fears

Jesus Christ has saved me

With His pure and perfect blood

So, somehow my world will heal

And my life will become good

Mom's 50th

2009-07-31T07:16:00.002-04:00

August sixteenth, two-thousand and nine.
To some, it’s just one more day.
One day, of one month,
Of a year slowly slipping away.
~

But, for me, today is special.
It’s the day we celebrate you!
The day you came into this world,
Tiny, and perfect, and new.

~
That was fifty years ago,
And some think fifty’s old.
But I know something that they don’t,
You’re just getting better, I’m told.

~
I believe it’s the truth.
For when your birthday rolls around,
You grow one year older,
And a year more profound.

~
You grow one year wiser,
And one year more sweet.
You’re one year more special,
A year more complete.

~
So, yes, you’re another year older.
You’ve had another year to strengthen,
You’ve grown one year better.
That much closer to perfection.

~
Today, so many are thankful,
For fifty years of you to adore!
And today, I am so grateful,
I love you one year more!

~
So, who cares what people say?
Fifty years is great!
Today I’m one year happier,
And we all get to celebrate!!

No Going Back

2009-07-20T21:14:00.004-04:00

it's gone by so fast

what happened to those days?

what happened to the innocence?

the silly, carefree ways?

i was so young

unaware of how dark it could be

i was so blind

too naive to see

back when i was a child

the days were so long

the world was a playground

and my life a song

i was so uncorrupt

everything was all right

i played away daytime

and dreamed away night

the days all flew by

with barely a care

ignoring the future

and what waited there

i somehow grew up

things began to go wrong

i was too big for the playground

too old for the song

but now that i'm older

i can get into bars

i can go to the casino

and i can drive cars

my dolls are in the closet

with my other childhood toys

the barbies have changed

to lipstick, blush and boys

i wear my hair straight

no more ribbons or curls

i'll enjoy being a woman

but i'll always cherish the girl

Not Me

2007-10-11T23:59:00.000-04:00

I am not the girl who does these things
I’m not the one you see
This crazy, horrible nonsense
Has not been done by me
--
I don’t throw up the things I eat
I never skip a meal
I’m not someone who hurts herself
And I would never steal
--
I don’t have any secrets
I’ve no need to tell a lie
I’ve never attempted suicide
I’ve no reason to want to die
--
I’ve never been in the hospital
Or an ambulance or cop car
I’ve never lived in a group home
Nowhere near, or far
--
I’ve never been in restraints
I’ve never been sent away
Never been in treatment
Or had meds brought on a tray

--
I don’t need to take pills
I am already sane
I don’t need to go to therapy
I’ve got nothing to gain
--
I sleep soundly every night
No trouble there, it seems
I’ve never had a flashback
I never have bad dreams
--
I've never been abused
Physically or sexually
Nor emotional or mental
It's never happened to me
--
I’ve never dissociated
Never had a panic attack
I’m not this person people think I am
So please, just take a step back
--
This awful girl you're speaking of
This terrible person you see
You must be mistaking with someone else
Because, it's just not me

Please God....

2007-10-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

If God can make me better

He can choose to make me well

Why won't He do it now?

I want out of this Hell
--

If He can see it all

He can see that I'm in pain

And He can choose to help

He can choose to make me sane

God hears everything

He hears me as I cry

He hears me as I scream

He knows I want to die

God's fingers feel my scars

His eyes can see the blood

He hears it hit the ground

Dark red & thick, like mud

So why has He not helped me?

Does He want me to live this way?

I just don't want to be like this

I can't stand it another day

So God, if you are reading

My prayer is that you'll try

To help me mend my broken heaert

And hold me as I cry

Help Me

2007-10-02T21:26:00.000-04:00

I can’t concentrate
I can’t sit still
I need to be calmed
Relaxed with a pill

I need something to help
I need someone to try
I need to be settled
And held while I cry

I’m trying so hard
But I can’t do it on my own
I need a friend to be there
Someone that I can phone

Someone who understands me
Someone who’s not afraid
Someone who will still be there
When all the others fade

They all fade into the background
It’s too much for them to stay
They cannot handle my pain
And they decide to go away

I need someone who’s willing
To help me learn to be
I need help learning how to live
And learning who is me

Fear

2007-05-22T21:20:00.000-04:00

fear of the past
fear of the future
fear of the dark
or fear of failure

fear of God
fear of success
fear of the unknown
or fear of illness

fear of reactions
fear of pain
fear of the outcome
fear of change

fear of monsters
fear of insecurity
fear of knowledge
and responsibility

fear of lost control
fear of aging
fear of not being good enough
fear of losing

fear of consistancy
fear of ones enemies
fear of what you've seen
fear of consuming calories

fear of crime
fear of winning
fear of death
and fear of living

fear of blood
fear of fat
fear of what you feel
fear of mice and rats

fear of what you've heard
fear of eating
fear of yourself
or waking up tomorrow morning

what's the scariest thing in the whole world?

nothing

If One Day....

2007-05-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

if one day

you should find me

lying on the floor

unconscious and not breathing

without a pulse or a heartbeat

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

you should find me

dead

lying in a puddle of my own blood

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

you should find me

hanging

literally, at the end of my rope

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

the police should come to the door

to tell you they've found my body

on the train tracks

or on the highway

or floating in the lake

and i'm gone

- -
i'm sorry

- -

but-

if one day

you should find me

smiling and laughing

wearing short sleeves

or a bathing suit

and there aren't any scars

- -

please take a picture

- -

so that i can look at it and know

that dreams really can come true

Is It Enough??

2007-05-21T23:10:00.000-04:00

Staring up at a starless sky
I sit alone and wonder why

Hearts are broken, people used
Lies are told, loved ones abused

Murders take place, so many die
What does God think, as He watches from the sky?

When disaster strikes, and people cry
Does Our Creator wonder why?

Does He regret giving us free will?
Or what went down on Calvary Hill?

His blood was shed, to bring mercy and grace
So one day we'll be worthy to meet Him face to face

His forgiveness is enough to keep us out of Hell
But is it enough to save us from ourselves?

Sick and Dying

2007-05-21T23:07:00.000-04:00

Sitting here so lonely
In my English class
Here, in this empty fishbowl
Faces pressed against the glass

Staring down at me
Hoping I will do a trick
But I refuse to move
Stuck in the corner, sick

Sick of pretending to try
Sick of setting goals
Oh so sick of being sick
Of slipping through the holes

Wishing I was better
Wishing I was strong
Wishing I was different
Wishing that I could belong

Trying to be "normal"
Trying not to cry
Trying to stop bleeding
Trying not to die

Knowing it'll happen
In a day or two
Knowing oh so well
That dyings what I'll do

Razor Blades

2007-05-21T15:45:00.000-04:00

Razor Blades
There are worse addictions
Eating
Alcohol
Sex
Weed
Crack
Acid

Razor blades aren't so bad
Rather than harm, they heal
They heal emotional pain

And rather than causing weakness, they provide strength
Making skin stronger, thicker
So it is that much harder for others to get in under it
To break it
To hurt it
To hurt you

Razor Blades are protection
Like guns or clothing or air bags
But not from physical danger
From emotional harm

They are freedom
Releasing you from your broken, hurting heart
Releasing you from your past
Releasing all pain
All anger
All sadness
Razor Blades....

I Think I Get It....

2007-05-19T17:25:00.000-04:00

*written a LONG time ago*

- - - - - -

I finally understand
what's wrong with me
i just don't want things back
how they used to be

when i had to be perfect
and still thought i could
when i did everything over
till it was done as it should

now they think I'm a bad ass
I'm a rebel and I'm rough
but i can't let myself weaken
i have to prove i can be tough

I'm scared of the way
things used to be
too much was expected
of one person, that was me

so now that i know
how to let them down
i start to expect it
i want them to frown

i know they'll be disappointed
i know they'll disagree
so all the A's i used to get
turn to B's, then C's, then D's

I'm falling so far
so hard and so fast
they hope this delinquent
phase won't last

but it keeps on going
cause the further i go
the less my perfect phase
continues to show

the D's turn to F's
and I'm kicked out of school
finally I'm not smart!
they realize I'm a fool!

finally they don't
expect me to be
perfect and flawless
I'm finally free

Why I Drank....

2007-05-19T17:19:00.000-04:00

**not my own**
- - - - - -
I drank to be witty-
and I became a boor
I drank to be a good dancer-
and it made me stagger
I drank to be a good conversationalist-
and I couldn't pronounce my words
I drank to be sociable-
and I became angry and resentful
I drank to help my appetite-
and I cheated my body of nutrition by not eating right
I drank to be a good lover-
and I couldn't perform
I drank to be popular-
and I lost my friends
I drank to show I was grown-up-
and I became a slobbering, bawling baby
I drank for camaraderie-
and drove everyone away from me
I drank to relax-
and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking
I drank to feel good-
and I suffered through sickening hangovers
I drank to escape-
and I built a prison for myself
I drank to be happy-
and it made me depressed
I drank to enjoy life-
and I contemplated suicide
I drank to find peace-
and I found hell

Reflection

2007-05-19T17:15:00.000-04:00

I look in the mirror
and hate what i see
it's my own reflection
staring back at me

a vision, i see
much more than i should
a vision, i know
that's more harm than good

in the washroom, i see it
my reflection, in the bowl
swirling round and round
as the food goes down the hole

it shows up again
in a pool of blood
washing the pain
like water from a flood

the last time i see
the reflection of my frown
is in the water of the lake
as i stand and look down

i step into the vision
as i heave my final sigh
then i give up my breath
and let myself die

Death Between Death

2007-05-18T21:37:00.000-04:00

Too cold to feel loved
too loved to feel alone
too alone to hold on
death between death

too much pain, she goes numb
too numb to feel dead
too dead to stay alive
death between death

too responsible to go
too desperate to stay
too realistic to wait any longer
death between death

Temporary Death

2007-05-18T17:10:00.000-04:00

I won't forget it
it won't go away
the more i try not to
i think of that day

i was so open
so trusting and dumb
it was going alright
then my brain went all numb

you touched me in places
that you never should
and i didn't say a thing
didn't think that i could

though the trauma's now over
the scars still run deep
so i retreat to my room
and i cry till i sleep

sleep-
-after hours and hours of awakened consciousness

sleep-
-because that sense of being is what makes me so damn afraid

sleep-
-my own temporary death

One day - you'll hear....

2007-05-16T23:58:00.000-04:00

One day
you'll hear
about how they found me
hiding in the bathroom
with a kitchen knife
slashing at my wrists
screaming, hysterically
how much i wanted to die

-> and it will be ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
that I'm in the hospital again
not for attempted suicide this time
but for blood loss
there were too many
they were too deep
it was too much
i couldn't stop
i couldn't slow the blood
i couldn't cut out the pain

->and it was ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
"the funeral's next Tuesday"
I'm dead
I've finally done it
I'm finally gone
and you'll never have to put up with me again
I'm dead and I'm never coming back
gone forever

->and it's ALL your fault

My Child,

2007-05-16T23:47:00.000-04:00

Give me your hate
Give me your fear
Give me your worries
And they'll disappear

Give me your sadness
Give me your pain
Give me your storms
And I'll stop the rain

Give me your hurt
Give me your tears
I'll use my eraser
And wipe your slate clear

Give me the pieces
Of your broken heart
Give me your world
As it falls apart

Give me your problems
I'll bear them for you
Give me your life
Until it is through

Give me your future
Give me your soul
Give me the pieces
And I'll make you whole

Give me your love
I'll always love you
Give me your all
I gave mine for you

Love,
God

The Great I AM

2006-07-13T16:03:00.000-04:00

If You can make the sunshine,
If You produce the rain,
Then surely You can save me,
From this ever present pain.

If You can stop a storm,
And cause the sea to part,
Then oh, so effortless it will be,
To mend my broken heart.

God, you are so powerful,
You've made the world exist.
That power will make it easy for you,
To erase the scars on my wrists.

You've turned water into wine,
You turn daytime into night,
You're omnipotent and powerful,
Only You can make me right.

Awesome Lord, You saved us,
When You died and rose again.
Someday I'll be victorious too,
But, can you please tell me when?

My Great, Almighty God,
So much wonder you inspire.
Could you please douse my heart?
And quiet this raging fire?

You made it rain for 40 days,
And caused the world to flood.
So now it will be simple,
To stop my flowing blood.

Commanding King of King's,
Creation trembles at Your call.
Could you please command Your angels?
To catch me as I fall?

The sun sets at your command,
And up springs the silver moon.
With all the miracles You've performed,
Can it be my turn soon??

©KTB2006

Happily Ever After??

2006-05-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wonder how long that is?

Are you ever curious about what happens after "the end" of the story?

Cause it doesn't go the way you'd think..

Here, I'll fill you in on a few not-so-popular details....

~ ~ ~

~ ~

The story of Cinderella

Took a very twisted turn

When the castle caught on fire

And to the ground it burned

With no water to be found

In the middle of a drought

The family was trapped

There was no way to get out

~ ~

Princess Aurora

Has a sad tale to tell

She caught her prince cheating

And bid him farewell

Full of anger and rage

She committed suicide

She jumped out of a window,

Hit the ground and died

The fairies couldn't help her

Though they tried to save their girl

Her soul was too far gone

Departed from this world

~ ~

As for Snow White

She still lives with the dwarfs

Who've since grown tired

Of her cleaning and chores

Since she lives in their home

They think it's their right

She gets gang-banged 7 times

When they come home each night

~ ~

Then there's Ariel & Eric

Who died together, hand in hand

See Eric gave her syphilis

And it took them from this land

As for the daughter, Melody

She didn't catch the disease

But now spends her time curled up in a ball

Rocking and holding her knees

Melody was only 11

When both her parents died

But afraid of the foster care system

She ran away to go hide

~ ~

Last of all

But certainly not least

Is the story of "Belle"

"Beauty and the Beast"

Belle is still alive

But no longer a happy bride

First Gaston raped Belle

Then the beast made sure he died

The beast was soon caught

And they put him in jail

And Belle doesn't have the money

To pay for his bail

~ ~

That's all 5 Disney princesses

Not one story worked out well

So I think it's safe to say

Happily Ever After has gone to Hell

~ ~ ~

~ ~

"Happily ever after is something we all hope to turn out like.... but, after much debate and research, studies have shown that it truly is just a myth."

~ ~

"Happy endings are just stories that aren't finished yet."

Not Alone

2006-04-28T15:03:00.000-04:00

Alone

She sits on the train

Looking out the window

At the blue sky & the sun shining outside

She sits close to the window

Trying to let the sun in

Hoping it'll penetrate her shell

And warm up that cold, empty space inside her chest

Where her heart's supposed to be

But there's a storm raging in her soul

And all the sun in the world

Couldn't outshine her sorrows

So she moves away from the window

And closes her eyes

Hoping that for once, her dreams will take her to a happy place

Where she has friends

And it doesn't hurt to smile

Where she's never scared

And her body doesn't ache with it's hollow emptiness

But as usual, her head is filled with nightmares

Broken hearts & shattered souls

Torn people, longing to be whole again

Oddly enough- she's comforted with the feeling that she's not alone

That others are struggling just like her

And that there are more empty chests

Raging with terrible storms

More arms that are scarred and hidden from the rest of the world

More fears

More secrets

More heartache's

More pain

Just as she's starting to settle in to this strange, alternate world

She's jolted awake by a loud clap of thunder

She looks out the window

The sun is gone, and the blue skies have turned to gray

There's rain streaming down the glass beside her

And she moves over a little, the water pouring down the sides of the train reminds her of the tears pouring in her soul

A bolt of lightening flashes across the sky and she moves a little closer

The jagged streak in the sky almost identical to the scars on her arms

And, she finds that when she looks right at it, she can close her eyes and see the funny shape

Like the scars, that begin to fade, but when she closes her eyes, are all she can see

She moves right over, as close as she can get when she hears another clap of thunder

She's no longer alone

For at least these breif few moments, the world is storming like she is

And if she pays close attention to the storm outside

If she listens carefully for the thunder

And concentrates on counting until the lightening flashes

She finds, much to her amusement

That it can almost drown out the sounds of the storm in her soul

For the first time she can remember

In many, many years

She is comforted

And not completely alone

I smiled, and I learned to pretend

2006-04-28T14:46:00.000-04:00

I don't have very many childhood memories
But the ones I do have, aren't happy
--
I remember being scared at a very young age
Being lost and alone
--
I remember being sad
So upset that all I could do was cry
--
But I don't remember ever being happy
--
I don't know if there are documented cases of depression at such an early age
But I am convinced that I was a depressed little girl
Undiagnosed until I was 15, but I'm sure it started as early as 5
--
--
I was always sad
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings
I didn't want to go to school
I remember, literally, crying over spilled milk at school
And the awful, hollow ache in my chest, as I tried so hard to hold in the tears so they wouldn't spill over in front of my classmates
--
The many bathroom breaks so that I could go cry all alone in a stall
--
The funny excuses and explanations of why my eyes were always tearing and watering
--
--
I couldn't eat
I came home every day and yelled at my mom for sending me too much food
So every day she sent a little bit less
Until I was only taking a few carrot sticks, a couple crackers and a junior juice
And still, I couldn't finish it all
--
--
I was so tired of being the one with no friends
The one who would rather spend recess in the corner alone
Curled up in a ball, playing with the people in my head
--
I learned my lesson fast
No one likes that child
So I used the summer between 1st and 2nd grades to practice
--
And when I came back in the fall
I told my "friends" that they'd have to wait until school ended
I had to play with the "real" people during the day
--
I came into my classroom on the first day of school, a brand new girl
Faking perfection, I had so much potential
--
I took a deep breath
Put all my Kleenex in the garbage can
And walked inside
--
I smiled
I made friends
And I learned to pretend

Here I Am

2006-04-28T14:16:00.000-04:00

Baggy clothes and makeup

Hide my once flawless body

But one day

Some day soon

Those clothes will be replaced

I won't be able to hide anymore

My hair will be pulled back

Off my face

And you'll be forced to look into my eyes

Here I am

I'll say

The walking, waking dead

Forced to walk

Death has rejected me

Too many times

Here I am

Perfection once caressed my skin

But now my long sleeves and pants have been removed

And taken away from me

Leaving my arms and legs bare

Here I am

The flesh that was once a clean white canvas covering my body

Has been hacked at and burned away

With cigarettes and razor blades

Here I am

Rotted to the core

Perfections gone

And now it's showing

Here I am

If only it hadn't been so hot

Maybe my mask wouldn't have fallen to the ground

But there was too much sweat on my face

And now it's gone

It's cold now

And if I could find a glue stick

Maybe I could glue the mask back into place

But it wouldn't do any good

You've already seen past the mask

Only I was supposed to know what hid beyond it

But now you've seen the truth

Here I am

There you are

What would you say if I asked you what you see?

Not what you see when you look the other way

But what you see when you look at me?

What you see when you look into my eyes?

Is it the same thing I see when I look in the mirror?

A girl in a bubble

Trapped in a clear box

Set in the middle of a busy street

Watching the world go on around her

With no one even realizing she's gone

A girl waiting

Waiting for the thief who stole her soul

To return it

To leave it on her front door steps

A girl watching

Watching to see who took her life away so instantly

And left the crumbs to be so miserable

Waiting and watching to see who it is

Not realizing it was herself all along

It was all stolen so long ago

She knows she could never be mended

A needle and thread

Would do her no good

She hopes the mirror is lying

That it's telling a fib

But she recognizes the distortion

She's lived with it too long

She knows it to be her own

There she is

There I am

Lying to everyone but myself

I always knew my world would crash

But I never expected it to be so soon

I didn't think the fall would hurt so bad

That the ground would be so cold

That the harsh wind would give my body such goose bumps

That the water filling up my world

Would take away my breath so fast

I didn't think death would turn me away so many times

I always thought that by now

Surely

I'd be gone

Can You Ever Really Start Over??

2006-04-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

Tulips

Spring time

Starting over

New life

But, how do you start over, with all the memories?

How do you ever forget the past?

Is there any way to erase what's already been done??

When you try to forget something that you've known so well & for so long

It's like trying to remember something that never really happened

Someone you've never even met

For, even if I could "start over"

"Forget" how good it feels

"Erase" the scars....

I would still be broken

My heart has been shattered too many times

I will never be whole again

And even that's impossible

See, once it's in your head, you become this strange new breed....

A life form that loves to fantasize it's own demise

And forgetting becomes like trying to wash off a permanent tattoo with soap and water

It'll never work

And the harder you scrub, the longer you work at it, the harder you try

The more frustrated you will become

Until it eventually leads to madness

You can cover it up, but it'll always be there, underneath

See, even if I was given some sort of ECT or lazer treatment

I could develop a sort of amnesia....

But even without remembering the past

I would still feel the hole

The ever-present, aching gap in my chest

Where my heart's supposed to be

And all I have to do is look down

See the scars on my arms & legs

To be forever reminded of how much better it felt

Putting them there in the first place

Fairy Tales & Princesses

2006-03-30T13:44:00.000-05:00

Baby girls
Beautiful little girls
Sleeping all around me

Their little heads filled with fairy tales
Princesses & Magic Carpets
Wishes & The Ball
Wicked Witches & Poison Apples & Fiery Dragons

But always a hero
To come to the rescue
To slay the dragons
& save you from the witches
& kiss you awake

A prince charming
Come to catch you when you fall

I used to be that child
Many, many years ago

When my clothes didn't match
& boys still had cooties
When stars were the windows to heaven
& everything was made all better again with a kiss & a cookie

When life was so simple
And I didn't have a care in the world

I was one of those princesses once
But my hero forgot to come
And there was no one to slay the dragons
Or save me from the witches
Or kiss me awake

So I kept on dreaming
But my dreams turned to nightmares
Until I pinched myself & found that I was never sleeping to begin with

And now,
Many, many years later,
I make one last wish:

That somewhere, there's a man who's strong enough to catch me when I fall.
And that, if it's still a possibility,
That things could get all better again..

I don't need a cookie,
But the kiss would be nice....

When I Was Small

2006-03-30T13:36:00.000-05:00

I've always preferred solitude to companionship
Even when I was small

I preferred spending recesses alone
Curled up in a corner, crying
Afraid to move a muscle
Unable to join the rest of the children,
playing hopscotch and four corners

I always preferred being alone
Reading my books, my precious stories
And then playing with the characters
They were my best friends
It was like I'd known them all my life

All alone, it seemed to everyone else
Playing with the people in my head
Whose lives seemed so much more glamorous than mine
So much more real, to me anyway

I tried in desperation to make them understand
But they left to play ponies
Or fairy princesses

I was a princess once
Those characters from plays or songs
They told me so

And, the ponies didn't understand
Frolicking and prancing in the sun
They didn't understand
How the people in my head
Were the only ones
Who made me feel alive

FREEDOM

2006-03-12T18:38:00.000-05:00

So far I’ve had trouble
Living this life that was handed to me
I’ve learned to live with the pain
I figured I’d never be free

All these years I’ve thought it was only me
Alone to change my ways
I thought if I could be different
I wouldn’t have such miserable days

First I tried to be perfect
In ever aspect of my life
But perfect never felt so perfect
And that’s when I took up the knife

I used it to punish myself
By cutting when I was bad
I used it to control my feelings
So I’d never again be so mad

It’s not that I didn’t know it was wrong
I just needed it to survive
Or sometimes when I felt dead inside
The blood reminded me I was alive

I used it to deal with my problems
When I was depressed and sad
And sometimes for no reason at all
Just to quiet this addiction I had

But today is when I start a new life
Though I am truly scared
God’s going to help me through it
He told me He’s always cared

“You can’t cut your way out of this-
-it won’t get better with a blade”
Was the message that I heard
The promise that God made

So I’m going to clean out my stash
Take all the temptation away
And then with Jesus by my side
I’ll take it day by day

I don’t feel like I can do this
But I just have to choose
There’s so much I could gain
And, what do I have to lose?

The scars, the blood stains,
The secrets, the lies?
The gossip about me?
The questioning eyes?

I won’t miss any of these
-that’s for sure!
And, hey, if I can make it work,
I’ll have found a cure!

The bible says I can do anything
“Through Christ who strengthens me”
And I’ll do whatever it takes

To finally be free

† † † †

Isaiah 1:15-20

(emphasis mine)

15 When you spread out your hands in prayer,

I will hide my eyes from you;

even if you offer many prayers,

I will not listen.

Your hands are full of blood;

16 wash and make yourselves clean.

Take your evil deeds

out of my sight!

Stop doing wrong,

17 learn to do right!

Seek justice,

encourage the oppressed.

Defend the cause of the fatherless,

plead the case of the widow.

18 "Come now, let us reason together,"

says the LORD.

"Though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson,

they shall be like wool.

19 If you are willing and obedient,

you will eat the best from the land;

20 but if you resist and rebel,

you will be devoured by the sword."

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Just One More

2006-02-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

"just one more hour mom,
please, just let me stay"
but that one turned into many
and now she'll have to pay

"just one more smoke", she says
"and then i will quit."
but now that butt is gone
and another one's been lit

just one more drink tonight
she makes the promise in her mind
how was she to know he'd drug her?
he'd always been so kind!

just one more teardrop
sliding down her cheek
she quickly wipes it away
not wanting anyone to peek

just one more new blade
just one more deep slice
just one more blood stain
there, that should suffice

"it's just one more pill"
my shrink tries to explain
"one more pill each morning,
to help you stay more sane"

just one more attempt
is what she did decide
just one more attempt
at committing suicide

just one more life
taken from this land
just one more funeral
needing to be planned

just one more lost soul
that can't find it's way home
just one more depressed writer
writing one more suicide poem

The Point of No Return

2006-02-23T21:13:00.000-05:00

things have gotten way out of control
kinda ironic, since that's all i really wanted
control
control of my life

with a blade in my hand, i had the power
life was mine, fuck everyone else
they'd never understand

with one swift move, the blood is released
but the power, and control also run free

at first i had the choice
but now it's an addiction
life's been taken out of my hands
all i'm left with are the scars
on my body and in my mind
they can't be erased
time won't heal them
nothing will change
they are forever a reminder
i'm past the point..
of no return....

Senses

2006-02-17T23:50:00.000-05:00

Taste the saltiness
In each tear
Taste this sadness
So severe

Smell the metallic
Blood that's here
Smell the ever-
Present fear

Hear my thoughts
Hear my dreams
Hear all of my
Silent screams

Feel my hate
Feel my pain
Feel so mad
Feel insane

See my tears
Fall to the floor
See my blood
Watch it pour

Know i'm trying
But know it's hard
Know that forever
I'll always be scarred

Taste the tears
Smell the fears
Screams you hear
Feel the end drawing near
Look in the mirror
And know that it's here

Flowing

2006-02-17T23:39:00.000-05:00

Sweat
Flowing down my face
Dripping from my chin
Sweat
Flowing down my arms
Dripping off my fingers
Yet i refuse to change out of my long sleeves
Even in this 30 degree weather
I refuse to even roll up these sleeves
Afraid of revealing my arms
My scars
Those ever-present reminders of my weaknesses and failures

Tears
Flowing from my eyes
Dripping down my nose, off my cheeks
Tears
Flowing
Like a waterfall
The eighth wonder of the world
"kathryn falls"

Blood
Flowing from the cuts
Dripping from my arms
Blood
Flowing
Creating a beautiful, crimson puddle
All ruby red and shiny
So shiny that i can see my reflection in it
i can see my future
my death
my own demise

in this puddle
of all the fluids
flowing
flowing together
to show me where it ends

Where Am i Going??

2006-02-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

i don't know anymore,
what direction i'm going

if i want to go, when i'll go,
or if i'll go without knowing

i tire easily of this place,
in this state of thinking

i'm stuck here, underwater,
locked in chains and sinking

i don't like mirrors anymore,
i don't recognize the one looking back

that girl looks cold & empty,
so colourless & black

i'm there somewhere, lost inside,
trying to find my way out

yelling & screaming so loud,
yet nobody hears me shout

wondering how i lost my way,
and how i'll ever get back

i sit & watch the girl in the mirror,
as her world turns black

never helping myself, of course,
because i just don't care

hey, i looked as i was falling,
and there was nobody there

i don't need anyone blaming me,
i hate that accusing stare

for when i needed you the most,
you were never there

my heart can't take anymore of this,
all the pain that's buried inside

i'm suffering here alone,
my happiness has died

i need no one else to cause me pain,
i do that on my own

i'm broken, lost, confused,
drifting into the unknown

"i was taken away, literally what people mean when they say "she went kicking and screaming", and now i'm left with this constant fear .. i'm sure, that at any minute now, the men in white coats will be here, but maybe, just maybe, if i stay really still, and quiet, they won't put the straight-jacket on me when they get here...."

Say Good-bye to Father's Yell

2006-01-27T19:52:00.000-05:00

fuck you! go away!
just leave me the hell alone
shut your God-damned mouth
and watch your fucking tone

get the fuck out of my life
i don't need your stupid shit
i don't need anything from you
i hope i die without any of it

i don't care that you're my father
DNA doesn't make me feel love
you'll never be my daddy
my Dad lives up above

my Dad isn't an ass-hole
He understands who i am
my Daddy never yells at me
He says i'm His perfect lamb

my 'father' think's he's powerful
but he is so fucking wrong
my Daddy has the real power
i love to sing His song

my Daddy in heaven loves me
He actually wants me there
my stupid 'father' just wants to control me
he doesn't really care

one of these days i'll be gone
from my 'father's' hateful hell
my Daddy will take me in His arms
say good-bye to 'father's' yell

Waiting

2006-01-24T18:00:00.000-05:00

i sit here alone,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting.

i sit here so silently,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting.

i sit here late at night,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting.

i sit here in the bath-tub,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting.

i sit here in agony,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting.

i sit here in the cool of the night,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting to be found,
waiting.

i sit here in the twilight,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting to be found,
waiting for someone to care,
waiting.

i sit here in the familiar blackness,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting to be found,
waiting for someone to care,
waiting to live or waiting to die,
i will be waiting forever,
waiting.

a broken hollow mockery of the human condition

2006-01-23T20:46:00.000-05:00

feeling frantic
tightening fists
she can't take
much more of this

silently inside
she screams & shouts
looks too awful
can't go out

wanting to quit
this thing called life
shredded skin
a bloody knife

a hollow girl
with empty eyes
hides her secrets
tells her lies

knowing she shouldn't
she tries to hold on
but her heart & her soul
are already gone

a broken, hollow, mockery
nothing but a shell
it looks so much like a girl
no one can even tell

Bloody Raindrops

2006-01-22T18:42:00.000-05:00

**ok, so there are really 2 versions of this poem- this one, and "crimson teardrops". you've probably noticed they're pretty much the same thing.. i'm looking for input as to which one is better, or which parts of which one i should use to make the final draft- thanks!! -kathryn**

broken down
smashed around
bloody raindrops
hit the ground

almost died
by suicide
bloody raindrops
fall outside

all alone
no one cares
bloody raindrops
desperate prayers

lost and numb
razorblades
bloody raindrops
all hope fades

bright red slashes
across my wrists
bloody raindrops
can't resist

frantic thoughts
run through my mind
bloody raindrops
left behind

falling fast
silent screams
bloody raindrops
broken dreams

awful memories
empty eyes
bloody raindrops
never cries

falsely promised
wordless fears
bloody raindrops
for all these years

no one noticed
what was wrong
bloody raindrops
now she's gone

Crimson Teardrops

2006-01-22T18:35:00.000-05:00

broken down
tarnished crown
crimson teardrops
soak my gown

almost died
by suicide
crimson teardrops
fall inside

all alone
no one's home
crimson teardrops
soak this poem

lost and lonely
no one cares
crimson teardrops
desperate prayers

bright red slashes
across my wrists
crimson teardrops
can't resist

frantic thoughts
run through my head
crimson teardrops
better off dead

falling fast
silent screams
crimson teardrops
broken dreams

awful memories
empty eyes
crimson teardrops
my demise

falsely promised
wordless fears
crimson teardrops
for all these years

no one's noticed
what was wrong
crimson teardrops
now i'm gone

i'd rather be lied to

2006-01-20T00:15:00.000-05:00

i had brain surgery 6 years ago
it ruined my life
i now feel so bad
that i cut with a knife

i used to be so smart
but i dropped out of school
i didn't even graduate
now i feel like a fool

i was an awesome cheerleader
but now most of that is gone
i did gymnastics too
often practicing on my lawn

i was quite strong and flexible
keeping myself in good shape
but they put me on prednisone
my entire image was raped

i kept my body thin
always careful about what i ate
but all of their drugs made me change so much
i'm now largely overwheight

i was failing at everything
that i used to be able to do
it was so discouraging
there was nothing i could do

i grew apart from all my friends
spending more time by myself
i felt isolated and lonely
sitting in the back corner of the shelf

i hate my life more and more
with each passing day
and i've begun to wish
everything would just go away

but it won't now, it never will
no matter what i do
and i know- if this is the truth
i'd rather be lied to

Breaking, Killing, Stealing, Losing, Dying

2006-01-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

Breaking
my body- my soul, being broken
this pain cannot be spoken
my nightmares won’t be woken
i’m stuck with this token
and i know, i’ll never be whole again

Killing
killing my arm
with all this self harm
causing so much alarm
but the blood feels so warm
and i know, i’ll never be able to stop

Stealing
stealing’s my goal
i won’t pay the toll
i long to be whole
0 -the dice roll
but there isn’t a 0, and i know, i’ll never amount to anything

Losing
i’m losing the game
cause i'm so lame
this is not why i came
i’ll never be the same
and i know, i’ll never win again

Dying
i’m dying inside
though i’ve tried to hide
all these tears that i’ve cried
i’ve already died
and i know, that it’s no use, i’ll never be alive again

Tell Me You Understand

2006-01-04T14:53:00.000-05:00

Look at my life
And tell me you too have cried
Tell me you know the feeling
Of being dead inside

Explain to me a panic attack
How your body shakes with fear
How hard it is to breath
How you just can't think clear

Tell me about the disassociation
The time jumps and the gaps
Tell me about the restraints
How they tie you down with straps

Tell me about the pills
They make you swallow every day
Tell me about how hard you wish
Everything would go away

Tell me about the hospitals
The institutions and the work
The programs and the homes
Where others like you lurk

Tell me just how bad you feel
Every single night
How you'd rather give up living
Than continue with this fight

Tell me what it's like
Watching blood drip from your arm
Tell me you get so desperate
That you resort to self-harm

Describe to me the burning
The never ending pain
That you create each day
As a result of being insane

Tell me you're so frantic
You want to die at your own hand
Please, tell me you also feel this way
Tell me you understand

Sinners Prayer

2005-12-09T18:26:00.000-05:00

** i did not write this poem, all the credit goes to "Nikki" from poems-and-quotes, who did an amazing job of writing down exactly the way i feel**

my Father who art in heaven
yes, You know my name
i used to be so innocent
but now, i'm not the same

grant me Your graceful time
don't ignore my tear
just please, understand
that this, You need to hear

born into sinfulness
washed in Holy Blood
righteousness to wrongfulness
sinning just because

Lord God, bestow salvation
my soul yearns to free
the evil temptations
that rest inside of me

now i stand upon my feet
peering upon a knife
knowing i love Jesus
but yet, i hate my life

please forgive the future
forgive this that i'll do
remember that i'm sorry
and Lord, i love You too

when i cut my throat
remember this sinner's call
forgive me now Father
let angels catch my fall

No, I don't want to hold your hand

2005-10-21T20:20:00.000-04:00

I don't need medication
For sadness is not a disease
I don't need institutions
Where they throw away the keys

I don't need anymore friends
For they've all come and gone
I don't need your instructions
I, myself can tell right from wrong

I don't need plastic smiles
Or pretending that you care
And please, unless you mean it-
Don't say you'll always be there

I don't need anyone else
Telling me what is best
If I can't believe it myself
I'll never pass the test

I don't need God or Jesus
He's never helped me before
I don't need to be rescued
Just leave me dying on the floor

I don't need talk, or therapy
I don't expect you to understand
Right now, I just need to cry
And no, I don't need to hold your hand

Behind These Eyes

2005-10-21T20:16:00.000-04:00

A blond haired, blue eyed cheerleader
As perfect as can be
Too bad she's not real
She's who I pretend to be

A flick of my curls
The wink of an eye
A kiss blown to the crowd
And this image, they buy

A stuck bow 'n arrow
Followed by a double full
All these fancy tricks
And no one knows it's bull

For now my blue eyes sparkle
From deep within they shine
But I'm simply an actress pretending
Working this act of mine

See, behind the sparkle
The blue eyes cry
They don't want to shine
What they want is to die

Behind these blue eyes
That can act so well
I cry tears of blood
As I silently yell

"I don't want to be here,
In this land of fake,
I'd rather be shot,
Or drowned in a lake!"

Behind my blue eyes
The pain never ends
Secret cuts and burns
Are my only friends

Behind this false pretense
I drown in my own blood
It's sticky, all around me,
Dark red and thick, like mud

But no one knows what happens
When I'm all alone
They think that I'm all shimmery
Perhaps just accident prone

They see me every day
But believe all my stories and lies
And choose to see the glimmer
The sparkle in these blue eyes

Rachael (thanksgsiving..)

2005-10-11T22:06:00.000-04:00

my baby, my angel
oh, what should i do?
she's exactly like me
could she end this way too?

we're so much alike
every last little touch
but i can't let it happen
i love her too much

she's already started
in so many ways
but i must make it stop
or else, one of these days....

could it be that i've spent
with her, far too much time?
that i'm now rubbing off
onto this perfect child of mine?

that's all i can think of
and so i will stay
away from my angel
i can't think of another way

then since i won't spend
anymore time with her
she'll grow out of this stage
i'll have found a cure!

i'll miss her so much
but i love her, you see
so from now on i'll keep her
far away from me

I'm here for YOU

2005-10-08T18:24:00.000-04:00

** to clarify this poem, i teach at a private school and this poem is about how i am there for the children, not for myself..

I am not here to smile
- I am here to light up your beautiful, young faces

I am not here to laugh
- I am here to make your young, smiling faces erupt into giggles

I am not here to confide in you my dreams
- I am here to listen to yours and encourage you to follow them

I am not here to be loved
- I am here to love you, unconditionally, through the good times and the bad

I am not here to be remembered
- I am here to rememeber each and every one of you so I can call you by name and recognize your parents when they come to pick you up

I am not here to be cared about
- I am here to care for you and keep you safe from harm

I am not here to cry
- I am here to dry your tears and make everything all better again

I am not here to fight
- I am here to break up your fights and keep you from being hurt

I am not here to have a good day
- I am here to make yours the best I possibly can

I am not here to live
- I am here to die for you, so that you can live a long and eventful life, and that you may live it to the fullest so that all your dreams may come true

Better Off Dead

2005-10-08T18:18:00.000-04:00

I'm better off dead
Put a gun to my head
Put a knife to my throat
Cut me so deep
So deep I won't cope

A few little pills
And myself I will kill
It should do the trick
It'll be all your fault
Your fault you dumb dick

You made me sad
You made me mad
You made me cry
And now I bleed
I bleed as I die

Heaven or Hell??

2005-10-08T18:14:00.000-04:00

Slit my wrists
Slit them deep
Watch me fall
Into an endless sleep

Don't bother trying
To wake me in the dawn
The hospital can't save me
I'm already gone

Either gone up to heaven
Or through the fiery gates of hell
Until your turn comes up
You won't ever tell

I haven't been angelic
In my life so far
I've been much more of a devil
Hanging out in bars

So I don't think I'll go up
Now that I'm finally dead
They'll take one look at this life I've lived
And send me down instead

2005-08-19T21:50:00.000-04:00

i walk around
like i'm ok
and sometimes i forget

sometimes i almost believe
that i'm ok

and then i look down
and i see the scars
the marks of a cutter

i'm reminded
and i know

i'll never really be alright

I Want To Give Up

2005-08-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

i want to give up
run away from the pain
get away from this place
find a hole,
where i can curl up,
and eventually die.

i don't need happiness,
i've lived without it this long.

i just need to forget,
everyone and everything.

i don't need anyone's help.
everyone's tried helping,
but look what it brought me,
nothing.

i just wanna give up.

Dare 2 Dig Deeper

2005-08-19T17:26:00.000-04:00

- i sat on the lid of the toilet and began to cut through my skin.
i could never resist responding with my frantic self-abuse. as i inflicted pain onto my skin, i began to feel relief flood through me. the physical pain shut out the emotional pain. i tried to hang onto that, but i knew it wouldn't last long enough.
even as i began to clean the wounds, the rush of complex thoughts made me feel both guilty and comforted, alone in my pain, yet in control of unexpressed emotions. a freak with a secret. next time it will take even more pain to find that brief release.
- "cutting is the replacement for the absent language."
- "You have so much pain inside yourself that you try to hurt yourself on the outside because you want help." --Princess Diana
- others feel 'dead' and turn to SI to be reminded that they're still alive
- "self-injurers are often bright, talented, creative achievers- perfectionists who push themselves beyond all human bounds, people-pleasers who cover their pain with a happy face." -- Marilee Strong
- there are also self-abusers who have come to rely upon no one else and use SI as an emotional release
- the self-injurer may not even be aware of what she is doing to herself, and as for reasons, these most likely elude her as well
- despite the way it may look, cutting is usually not a failed suicide attempt
- the progressive, addictive nature of this disorder can be life threatening. the more desperate a cutter becomes, the higher risk of accidental suicide
- they've lost sight of the truth somewhere along the line. --when you construct your world view on a series of misunderstandings, its like building a skyscraper with the foundation out of plumb. a fractional misalignment at the bottom becomes a whopping divergence from true by the time you get to the top.
- i'm caught in a web of deception whose strands have been created by myself and others. i can usually recall, and grossly distort any critisism i've ever heard.
- thoughts come in gradually at first, then pick up momentum more and more quickly, snowballing into a crushing avalanche of fault finding remarks. i don't know the truth, or how to use it to fight back. that overwhelming misbelief about who i've 'heard' i am, has become the cracked foundation upon which i base my reality. frustration and feelings of helplessness can drive me to the edge in a matter of moments.
- i started cutting to silence the clashing voices that buzzed like static, drowning out the truth i longed for.. prayed for.. searched for.
- over time i've become more separated from my feelings and have employed a clerk of sorts, to file my life into neat folders and cabinets..
- i've begun to notice that i can't feel, even when i want to
- i've resumed cutting in desperation, to remind myself that i'm still alive. the blood seems to be the only evidence that i'm not dead yet.
- when you haven't felt in years- and your memories of feelings are so intensely distorted- the thought of being hit with such a tidal wave of emotion is enough to drive out all hope of normalcy.
- i'm afraid it will take a great deal of time to recover and i know there will be temptations and lapses on the road to healing..

2005-08-19T17:02:00.000-04:00

i watch the world through tear-filled eyes
and wonder up at stormy skies
i dream about the awful things
tomorrow will unfortunately bring
i keep my secret plans and prayers
tucked far away, where no one cares
and way beyond horizons far
comes another drink, from the bar
i journey to new worlds unmet
with terrors undiscovered yet
nightmares take me on horrific rides
with satan himself, as my guide
i close my eyes, and try to sleep
but instead, terrified, i weep
id stop it if i only could
but come back to haunt me, it surely would

My Reflection

2005-08-15T22:10:00.000-04:00

I saw a girl
The other day
A girl who seemed
So far away
The first thing I noticed
When I saw her there
Was how sad she looked
So full of despair
Her face was lined
From all her tears
That left black tracks
Of mascara smears
Next I looked
Down at her arm
It was covered in scars
From her self-harm
She had cut words
Into her skin
Scars to show the world
How dark it had been
She’d also used a cigarette
To burn circles in a row
Because of all the pain inside
That she wanted to show
Some of the cuts were brand new
In her hand she held a blade
Slashing her arm again and again
She was going to need first aid
Blood dripped all over the floor
And she just let it fall
She watched it flood from the open wounds
Not seeming to care at all
I wanted to help the poor girl
So I tried to take a step near
But I hit a cold, solid wall
It was my bathroom mirror

Life Goes On

2005-08-13T00:14:00.000-04:00

People laugh
People cry
Some say hello
Some say good-bye
So many have fallen
In this world where we live
So many accuse
But never forgive
Tornados and hurricanes
Destroy our homes
There are fires and floods
Where our children used to roam
Women and children
Are hit and abused
But the person responsible
Is often excused
There is so much violence
Destructiveness and force
It seems all the marriages
End in divorce
Children are kidnapped
Women are raped
And cold blooded killers
Somehow escape
Shots are fired
Knives are drawn
People we love
Are too soon gone
Troubled teens
Turn to drinking and drugs
If only there was someone
To give kisses and hugs
So many hurt
So much blood is spilled
And too many people
Are victimized and killed
Suicide’s fail
Things go wrong
We want to give up
But life goes on

Brand New Day

2005-08-10T22:12:00.000-04:00

i woke up this morning
to a brand new day
my life felt bright and colourful
instead of dull and gray

a quick look at my wardrobe
told me this just would not do
all my clothes were dark and black
i needed something new

so i headed to my sisters' rooms
to find something to wear
i borrowed a pink, 'girly' outfit
and then i did my hair

not too much make-up
- don't want to look too black
i pranced confidently out of the house
determined not to look back

i walked down the street with my head held high
excited about the new me
i couldn't wait to hear their reactions
when everyone got to see

they'll see that i'm all better
no more dreams of suicide
for all that's left is good
it's the evil that has died

i smile as i approach
ready to hear what they say
but their reactions are unexpected
they laugh and point my way

"look at what she's done!
what- now she thinks she's alive?
she can't change after this long
she's been dead for years inside!"

"you can change your clothes, princess
but it won't change what's underneath
you may be wearing pink today
but you're still black beneath"

"clothes, and hair, and makeup..
-it's all superficial shit.
we can still see the scars
from where your wrists were slit"

"you may think you have changed
but we all know the truth
you'll always be that troubled girl
that you've been since your youth"

"you'll never get any 'better'
never will you be well
we all know your secrets
you don't even have to tell"

so much for that bright new day
my blue skies have turned black
forget this stupid, ugly, pink shit
the dark is coming back

2005-07-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

She'll always be too young
From my point of view
To see who I am
And know what I do

But I'm an expert at this game
And if I play it carefully
She'll never have to know
That everyday's a fight for me

I'll lie through all her questions
And hide away my scars
But even when she sees them
She won't know quite what they are

"The cat scratched me"
Is a common reply
"I fell onto a rosebush"
Another perfect alibi

"I tripped when I was rollerblading
And went straight into a ditch
A piece of glass, it cut my arm
They had to fix it with a stitch"

"I fell down a cliff in the ravine,
I had a concussion too"
There's always a better answer
Than the truth about what I do

I was almost 16 when she was born
A sophomore in high school
More together then, than I am now
I still obeyed every rule

But as I got older everything changed
Explaining feelings I'd had as a child
I began to get why I secretly cried
But then covered things up, and smiled

For even as a young girl
Inside I knew it was true
You had to be smiles and rainbows
For anyone to like you

As I learned more and more
I became more depressed
And I tried really hard
But grew more and more messed

I learned that dreams I'd had
Ever since I was small
Had actually happened for real
I wasn't making them up at all

So, now they know why
I am the way I am
But it doesn't change the treatments
It just explains their plan

A lifetime of drugs and therapy
That's what I have to look forwards to
For as long as I live, I'll swallow pills
That will make me into someone new

They'll change the person that I am
For even though without them I'm slipping away
Things I've been through make me myself
And the drugs send me away

So, until I find a way to escape
Though I fear I never will
I'm stuck here dripping with blood
And swallowing yet one more pill

At least the pain reminds me
That I'm still alive and well
That I haven't quite yet died
I'm still on earth, I'm not in Hell

2005-07-11T19:40:00.000-04:00

This letter is to anyone.. or no one.. I don't really know. I guess I should be writing in a diary or something- I just need to get this stuff down and out of my head.

I should probably be back in the hospital right now.. I mean, in all honesty, I suppose it was a suicide attempt. A very pitiful and nowhere near successful suicide attempt, but an attempt none-the-less.
Except, I'm not sure that I really wanted to die. I tried. God knows, I tried. I wanted so badly to hit something vital.. for the desperation of my outside circumstances to match the desperation I feel inside.
Well, that, and the blood. I wanted to see the blood, spurting with every pulse of my heart. I wanted to see that beautiful, crimson pumping out of my body.
But, I had my phone right there.. I could have called 911 so easily, and so fast. I could have had ambulances and police cars at my house in seconds and "heroes" running into the house to rescue me.
Rescue.
That's the word.
I can't imagine ever being "rescued". I can't imagine anyone ever pulling through and "saving" me from myself.
And, that's what it is. My mom thinks that she can make things better by taking shit away from me.. the blades, the knives, the matches, the lighters, the needles, etc.. she thinks that removing the temptation will be enough, that making all the same cursory attempts any parent makes when their child is slipping away will be enough, that it'll make me "all better again" (as if that were even possible at this point).
And, the thing is, one would think that would make sense.. but, that's based on the common belief that it's those things that she takes away from me that are a danger to me, and not, as is the case, that I am a danger to myself.

**to be continued....**.. someday.. **

I tried

2005-07-10T17:06:00.000-04:00

I tried
I couldn’t make it deep enough
Even though it was completely frozen
I still couldn’t get deep enough
Deep enough to hit a vein, or an artery
Deep enough to do any “real” damage
Deep enough to kill
I guess I need a newer, sharper blade
I’ll remember to try that next time

I did bleed quite a bit
It was beautiful
But, I covered it
And wrapped them both up
Hidden from view
So no one knows
No one but me
And Him
No one but us

I think I need to go to the hospital again
Not for my arms
Not for the blood
For my head
My thoughts
Me

“me” needs to be institutionalized
Sedated, restrained
“me” needs to be kept from doing anymore harm to herself
“me” can be a very bad girl....

One of these days, “me” is gonna go too far
“me” is gonna lose too much blood
“me” is gonna pass out
and “me” is gonna wake up dead

Is that what she wants?
To die?
Sometimes I think so..
Sometimes I don’t..

Mostly, I think that “me” just wants to be rescued
Mostly, I think that “me” doesn’t want to end up a tragedy..
and that’s where she’s headed..
and she needs help….

That’s what I think
Mostly

I'm Bleeding For You

2005-07-10T16:54:00.000-04:00

i take out my razor
test it's sharpness with a prick on my finger
as the tiny, ruby red droplets begin to leak from the surface
i am assured that it will do the job just fine

i begin to make cuts on my arm
shallow, superficial wounds at first
and then deeper, more dangerous lacerations
as i realize i'm out of control
i can't stop myself....

slash
for the incomplete assignments on my desk, waiting to be finished
slash, slash
for the sol circles i worked on until my hands were raw and bleeding, and i still couldn't get
slash, slash, slash, slash
one for each pound i'm determined to lose this week
and slash, slash.. 6 more
one for each person who has abandoned me when i needed them the most

i stop to catch my breath
and watch the blood run down my arms
bleeding out the memories
bleeding out the lies
bleeding out the feelings

if you saw me, would you even care?
would you take the time to cry?
or tell me that you were there??

when you're about to walk away
just remember
how unhappy i am

just when you're about to leave
remember
i'm bleeding for you

Don't Wanna Be Me

2005-06-29T20:44:00.000-04:00

Will I ever be good enough?
Will I ever do it right?
Will I ever fit in?
Will I ever win this fight?

It's such a constant battle
All I want is to be free
I want to be somebody else
It's too hard being me

I wanna be someone
That people don't hate
Someone who's liked
Who boys wanna date

I wanna be someone
Who knows what to do
Who can be on her own
Who doesn't need you

I wanna be a girl
Who can just be real
Who doesn't have to fake
The things she thinks and feels

I wanna be able
To let down my guard
To just feel content
It shouldn't be so hard

I don't wanna be
The one that you see
When you glance this way
I don't want you to see me

once upon a time

2005-06-29T20:42:00.000-04:00

once upon a fairytale
or maybe just upon a dream
i held onto something special
a shining, bright moonbeam

but as fairytales are likely to end
and dreams are likely to die
the grip loosened on my moonbeam
and it flew into the sky

i was up so high
when i fell down
so hard and so fast
down to the ground

as the saying goes
"there's nowhere left to fall"
once you've hit rock bottom
it can't get worse at all

but i soon found out
that the saying's not right
once you reach the ground
you dig for the light

looking up really is
the easy thing to do
but it's such a simple answer
it doesn't occur to you

once upon a dream
or maybe a nightmare
i held on so tightly
to something no longer there

kill me, stab me

2005-06-29T20:38:00.000-04:00

my laughter, for this blood you'll trade
so kill me, stab me, with a blade

my death you want, instead of life
so kill me, stab me, with a knife

you hate how i am, so you treat me like dirt
just kill me, stab me, make it hurt

you think i'm an idiot, though i used to be smart
so kill me, stab me, right through the heart

kill me, stab me, make me bleed
murder me, please! i'll finally be freed!

Letter to the X

2005-06-29T20:34:00.000-04:00

kevin,

i hate you
you're dirty, perverted and sick
and what did i suck?
cause you have no dick!!

that's a pretty vital organ
so i guess we didn't fuck
and we're never ever gonna
you're shit outta luck

go ahead and spread rumors
you know they aren't true
once everyone finds out
they'll never believe you

if you ever tell my secrets
i swear, you'll fucking die
then instead i'll throw a party
cause at funerals people cry

you're a cradle-snatching bastard
and you don't deserve to life
you can push all you want
i won't break, bend or give

when you threaten to say things
i just hate you more
i won't drop to my knees
or bow to the floor

you're an ass-hole and you know it
so just wait and see
once everyone finds out
they'll ALL believe me

Dear God, Love The Broken

2005-06-29T20:30:00.000-04:00

Take my sadness
Take my shame
Take my storms
And stop the rain

Take my worries
Take my fears
Hold me close
And stop my tears

Take the hurt
Take the pain
Fix my head
Make me sane

Take the pieces
Of my broken heart
Take my world
As it falls apart

Take my body
Take my soul
Take all the parts
And make me whole

Take my future
Take my past
Give it back
And make it last

Take my life
Take my all
Pick me up
When I fall

Take my problems
Take all you see
Call me your child
And always love me

Friends Forever

2005-06-29T20:26:00.000-04:00

** i wrote this poem for Carrie Tetley **
** if you're reading this, give me a call or something- i miss you!! **

"Friends forever" we promised

"Together till the end"

We did everything together

You were my best friend

Sure, we were young and foolish

To us life was just a game

But I always thought that as we grew

Our friendship would remain

I guess that was just another

Of my mistaken, childhood dreams

For as we grew, we grew apart

So far that we ripped the seams

The seams of a cherished friendship

That we worked so hard to build

In my heart was left a hole

A hole that you once filled

It couldn't be filled with just anything

I had to find the perfect fit

For it was a missing puzzle piece

And you, of course, were just it

But the piece of your puzzle fits somewhere else now

Somewhere that's far away

So until the day comes, that you'll want to come back

I'll just have to hope and pray

I love you girl,
always will,
Kathryn

2005-06-29T20:18:00.000-04:00

burning flesh, searing pain
i want to do it all again
another match, or razor blade
create the wounds, that i have made

i don't have feelings
my body is numb
in an attempt to feel
i sometimes act dumb

but wait- it's back!
there's feeling once more
it now hurts so much
that my heart hits the floor

each time i take a breath
it hurts deep down inside
and the more i try to act alive?
it feels like i have died

so many tears run down my face
it's creating a heart broken flood
each and every tear is cutting me
and now i'm crying blood

sometimes it just gets to be too much
i try to turn outside in
hoping that i can make it hurt
more externally than within

salt & ice, matches, razor blades
whatever will do the trick
i know that it's not right
and it's a habit i should kick

but it just makes me feel so much better
it's as though it's something i need
the way you need oxygen to breath
i need blood when i'm feeling uneased

2005-06-29T20:10:00.000-04:00

as they walk down the beach, on a warm summer's night
not a word comes from her mouth
it's not uncomfortable, or awkward
there's just so much to think about

he's just so perfect, and she loves him so much
he's almost too good to be true
she just wants to scream, as they walk down that beach
"go away! i'm not good enough for you!"

but as always, she remains silent
she hides it all deep down inside
she's ashamed to express her feelings
so they walk quietly side by side

it's just that she doesn't believe in God
and she doesn't want him to find out
she's tried so hard to make it seem real
but there always remains some doubt

he's christian, but she doesn't want to be
basically he's right and she's wrong
sooner or later she'll face it
but she's been avoiding it all along

she wants to believe, but it's so unreal
like a fairy tale that never comes true
and everything she's ever been led to believe
it seems she eventually outgrew

when you're little you believe in the tooth fairy
and the easter bunny and santa claus too
but as you get older, you learn it's a lie
so what if the bible's not true??

he tells her it's real, and she wants to believe
but she's heard it all before
she doesn't want to be let down again
so her heart has chosen to ignore

she continues to walk in silence
but tries hard to change her thoughts
her worries are slowly turned to questions
and she becomes rather distraught

"what's the point of living,
if you only live to die?"
"life always seems too pointless-
i can't help but wonder- why?"

she's very aware, these are dangerous thoughts
and she's walking on thin ice
but she really couldn't care less
she thinks dying would be nice!!

falling asleep and never waking up
it sounds like a dream come true
but she's tried it before, and it never seemed to work
she'd have to think of something new

it would have to look like an accident
so no one would think they're to blame
then she catches herself and her thoughts
she really just wants out of all this pain

"what am i planning?" she thinks..
"my life can't possibly be that bad"
as they walk a bit further, hand in hand
she thinks of the troubles she's had

last year, she completely stopped eating
because gymnastics relies on weight
her confidence and self-esteem
were based on how much she ate

her parents began to worry
and it became harder to cover up
so after she ate, she'd slip off to the bathroom
and force herself to throw-up

a lot of her friends are suicidal
and i guess it's worn off onto her
she's tried to kill herself too many times
and now she's a self-mutilator

she cuts herself when she's crying
because it seems to stop her tears
she cuts herself when she's scared
because it helps to calm her fears

she cuts herself when she's lonely
when she's frustrated or depressed
she cuts herself when she's mad at herself
cause she hasn't done her best

she cuts herself because it hurts so bad
that he just can't love her back
and she cuts herself because she knows
that he deserves better than that

she cuts herself because she doesn't believe
that God will work everything out
and as she strolls down the beach, with the one she loves
that's all she can think about

With A Glimmer

2005-06-29T19:50:00.000-04:00

with a glimmer of hope
i take this blade
and slide it quickly
unafraid

there's a glimmer of desire
at seeing the other side
a glimmer of appeal
at testing this death ride

with a glimmer of allure
i take the pills, one by one
making sure to take them slow enough
to this time get it done

there's a glimmer of fascination
in this time doing it right
a glimmer at the end of the tunnel
the glimmer of that bright light

there's a glimmer of attraction
as i stare over the wall
a glimmer at the bottom
and i can't wait to fall

there's a glimmer of temptation
at hanging from that rope
at letting the life drain away
and staying away, i hope

there's a glimmer in the gun
in the barrel, just inside
i was trying to see it closely
when -BANG- it hit me and i died

Why Can't You Know??

2005-06-29T19:46:00.000-04:00

Can't you hear me screaming?
Sharp, jagged words of rage?
Can't you hear me pleading?
To be let out of this cage?

Can't you smell the fear?
I can no longer hide..
You just follow the scent of the terror
Overwhelming me inside

Can't you taste the salt?
That's pouring from my eyes?
Also running down my legs..
From the cuts on my thighs....

Can't you feel the desperation?
Of this tortured soul?
Battered, bruised and broken
Longing to be whole..

Can't you see that I'm empty?
There's nothing left inside
The heart that once beat, long ago
Has withered away and died

Can't you tell that I'm dying?
I'm slowly fading away
If someone doesn't help me
I won't last another day

I'm in all your senses
So why don't you know?
How much it hurts?
How I long to let go??

What You Used To Do

2005-06-29T19:42:00.000-04:00

You used to answer
When I would call
You used to catch me
When I would fall

You used to listen
And try to understand
When I was scared
You held my hand

You comforted me
All the times when I'd cry
You saved my life
When I wanted to die

Whenever I thought
There was no one there
You used to remind me
That you really did care

When things got real bad
And I just wanted out
You used to remind me
Of things I cared about

You used to help turn things
From wrong to right
And I sure could use
What you used to do
Tonight

What If?

2005-06-28T17:12:00.000-04:00

What if I can't get over this?
What if I don't know what to do?
What if it just never gets better?
What if it's never through?

What if the pain is too much?
What if these tears always fall?
What if I decide tonight?
That I can't handle it all?

What if as I sit here alone?
Listening to what people say?
What if I think it'd be better?
To make it all go away?

When you say you love me,
What if it's a lie?
What if I make a choice,
To give up and no longer try?

What if I can't make it through the night?
What if it's too hard to try?
What if I sit here alone?
And write letters that say good-bye?

What if you stop loving me??
It'll only prove me right
And give me one more reason
To give up the fight

What if I can't stop wanting this?
What if it's all I think about?
What if I can't let it go?
I can't get rid of the doubt?

What if I died tonight?
Would anyone even care?
What if I decide right now?
That I no longer dare?

War

2005-06-28T17:06:00.000-04:00

There are bombs
Going off all around
Explosions and shots
Are the only sounds

There is a battle being fought
And the winner receives peace
Only when it's over
Will the fighting cease

The winners will live
The losers will die
The winners will party
The losers will cry

Everyone suffers
So much dying and pain
All for something
They hope to gain

So much anger
So much rage
What happens next?
Lets turn the page

This war is raging
In my heart
No one is winning
I'm just falling apart

Sticks and Stones

2005-06-28T16:56:00.000-04:00

Memory Flashback-

a long time ago
little girls jumping rope
children's laughter and giggles
boys appear, making us mope..
water balloons explode
all around
"gross! girls have cooties!"
the chant does sound
but we are quick
to reply
wet and cocky
with smiles so sly....

"sticks and stones may break our bones, but your words will never hurt us!!"

Reality Check-

a young woman
in front of a mirror
staring so blankly
down her cheek runs a tear
his words repeat in her mind
chanting loud and strong
"you worthless slut, you stupid bitch.."
her mind starts to go along..
she presses the blade, into her arm
and revises the silly old song

"sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words are what will kill me.."

Roses Are Red

2005-06-28T16:48:00.000-04:00

roses are red
so is the blood
that runs down my arm
just like a flood

violets are blue
just like the bruise
that looks like it hurts
but really it soothes

sugar is sweet
but causes decay
everything good
slowly wastes away

i am the blood
i made the bruise
i'll waste away
and let myself lose

Rachael (6)

2005-06-28T16:46:00.000-04:00

Rachael- "Hey, Katie, what are those marks?"
Me- "Oh, I was playing with a cat that scratched me...."
Rachael- "Again?!?"
Me- "yeah" (shit.. when did i use that one on her?) "well, no- it's the same one, they haven't gone away yet."

She's too young to know
She's just 6 today
What am I supposed to tell her?
What do you think I should say?

She wouldn't understand
I wouldn't know where to start
But if she knew that I'd done it myself??
Oh, God.. Bless her poor little heart..

She's very mature for her age
But still she cannot know
Adults live in a different world
And she's still got much further to grow

Before I'd consider telling the truth
Of my terrible, horrible past
I'd have to know she'd be ok
That she would accept it and move passed

See, Grown-ups don't live in the same world
That children often do
Their realities are shifted
And their perceptions of them too

Children are so innocent
So uncorrupted, and naive
Growing up shows us tragic realities
That shape who we'll turn out to be

The world around us starts to crumble
We see crime and pain galore
And as we turn one more year older
Our hearts drop and hit the floor

Our softness starts to harden
We begin to turn to stone
And we finally see the reality
That we're in this thing alone

Although she may be well intentioned
Mommy can't protect us forever
And no matter how badly he wants to
Daddy can't make everything better

We first experience heart break
And lots of other shit
And for the first time in our lives
Hugs and kisses don't fix it

Things start going wrong
And we try to hide
And suddenly start looking
For a solution- suicide

NO!!!!

2005-06-28T16:30:00.000-04:00

No!!
I do not have behavioural issues
I am simply distracted
And rightfully so

No!!
I do not have emotional instabilities
I just handle things differently
Because of how things have been dealt with in my past

No!!
I do not suffer from mental illness
I have only reacted this way
Because of certain experiences that I have been through

No!!
I do not have psychological difficulties
It's only a matter of knowing
Knowing things I haven't yet learned

No! No! No!!
I do not have brain disfunctions
Or psychiatric problems
Or neurological handicaps
I am none of these things!!
I am just a scared, and confused 4 year old child
Trapped in the body of an 18 year old young woman

Please don't expect too much from me
I appear to be 14 years ahead of my time
But I am too young to understand

Be patient while the little girl learns to deal with her fears, and frustrations
Maybe then the young woman can too

My Wall

2005-06-28T16:22:00.000-04:00

I built a wall, around my heart
Because I wanted to hide
My secret doubts and fears
I kept all tucked inside

But keeping the bad things from getting out
Wasn't the way to win
For my wall, it worked both ways
And the good things couldn't get in

I'm trying hard to knock it down
I want to let you near
But I worked so hard to build my wall
I'm stuck inside, I fear

Somewhere there lies a flaw
An imperfection in the stack
That's the key to getting out
From a flaw I can cause a crack

And each crack I can create
In my tall, strong wall
Will very slowly weaken the stack
Till a stone begins to fall

Over time each stone I laid
Will tumble down below
And my heart will be set free
The real me, can then show

I know it will be hard
I have lots of work to do
But I won't give up, I'll keep on trying
Until I can break through

My Mask

2005-06-27T18:26:00.000-04:00

i wear a mask
you cannot see
concealing all
inside of me

i cannot love
i cannot feel
i cannot hate
i cannot heal

my mask, it shields
all thats in sight
they all back down
without a fight

its been an easy
way to hide
to bury everything
inside

but all you have to do
is peek
into my game
of hide and seek

just look real deep
and you will see
the one and only
real true me

Let Me Be

2005-06-27T18:22:00.000-04:00

i burned myself today
to make sure i could feel
to remind myself through pain
that truly, i am real

i cut myself last night
and watched the blood drip down
the crimson tears fell from my arms
and ruined the perfect ground

i took some pills the other day
because i didn't want to live
i'm ready to be taken
i've nothing left to give

i'm crying at the moment
but these tears are not for me
these tears are for the voices
who will not let me be

Kiss Of Death

2005-06-27T18:20:00.000-04:00

i'm in between 2 worlds
with a tough decision to make
should i choose to go on living?
or just die, for goodness sake?

i know the choice that i "should" make
the one that's the "right thing to do"
people think i should "choose life"
but, if only those people knew

if they knew how much it hurts
for me to go on this way
they wouldn't think of asking me
to stay another day

if they knew how much pain i felt
every minute i'm alive
i know they'd never dream
of me even trying to survive

i just know, if they understood
they wouldn't expect me to go on like this
they would support me in my decision
to surrender to death's kiss