Sunday, October 24, 2004

suicide letter to Mandy....

Lying here
I know how it works
I take the pills slowly
One at a time, sipping the vodka in between
I am here to make a sacrifice
To sacrifice something that was never truly mine in the first place
-my soul

I grip the blade, solidly in my hand
Cause there’s always a plan B
Just in case
I know how that works, too
Make the slit vertically, not horizontally
Opening the vein lengthwise
Make sure the lights are off
So you can’t see the beautiful, rich, warm blood
As it flows from your wrists like a river
A river that I’ll eventually drown in
Once I’ve passed out from the pills, and the drink, and the blood loss

They say that suicide is selfish
But, if this makes me selfish
Me- who gave all my time and money to helping you and your son scrape by
- and never even asked a single thing in return (at least, nothing tangible)
if this makes me selfish
then…. What does that make you?

If you could have, would you have tried to stop it?
I doubt it
You never really loved me
You just didn’t want to have to explain another absence to him
Well, it’s too late now
Too late for explanations
Too late for help
Too late to be saved
I’m gone

You won’t ever have to worry about me anymore
You’ll never again have to pretend you care
I won’t be around to bother you
No more desperate, pleading emails or text messages
I’m not coming back

Tell Kyle I love him
I’ll be watching over him from above (or, below?)
Tell Kalam thanks
And I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold on any longer
Tell Kelly I said good-bye
And don’t worry, I’m ok now

I don’t want anyone to be upset
I don’t want any tears shed
This is what I wanted
I hope you can all forgive me

I have to stop writing now
It’s almost over, I can feel it
The river of tears, I once drowned myself in, has run dry….


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