Mom's 50th

August sixteenth, two-thousand and nine.
To some, it’s just one more day.
One day, of one month,
Of a year slowly slipping away.
~

But, for me, today is special.
It’s the day we celebrate you!
The day you came into this world,
Tiny, and perfect, and new.

~
That was fifty years ago,
And some think fifty’s old.
But I know something that they don’t,
You’re just getting better, I’m told.

~
I believe it’s the truth.
For when your birthday rolls around,
You grow one year older,
And a year more profound.

~
You grow one year wiser,
And one year more sweet.
You’re one year more special,
A year more complete.

~
So, yes, you’re another year older.
You’ve had another year to strengthen,
You’ve grown one year better.
That much closer to perfection.

~
Today, so many are thankful,
For fifty years of you to adore!
And today, I am so grateful,
I love you one year more!

~
So, who cares what people say?
Fifty years is great!
Today I’m one year happier,
And we all get to celebrate!!

No Going Back

it's gone by so fast

what happened to those days?

what happened to the innocence?

the silly, carefree ways?

~

i was so young

unaware of how dark it could be

i was so blind

too naive to see

~

back when i was a child

the days were so long

the world was a playground

and my life a song

~

i was so uncorrupt

everything was all right

i played away daytime

and dreamed away night

~

the days all flew by

with barely a care

ignoring the future

and what waited there

~

i somehow grew up

things began to go wrong

i was too big for the playground

too old for the song

~

but now that i'm older

i can get into bars

i can go to the casino

and i can drive cars

~

my dolls are in the closet

with my other childhood toys

the barbies have changed

to lipstick, blush and boys

~

i wear my hair straight

no more ribbons or curls

~

i'll enjoy being a woman

but i'll always cherish the girl

Not Me

I am not the girl who does these things
I’m not the one you see
This crazy, horrible nonsense
Has not been done by me
--
I don’t throw up the things I eat
I never skip a meal
I’m not someone who hurts herself
And I would never steal
--
I don’t have any secrets
I’ve no need to tell a lie
I’ve never attempted suicide
I’ve no reason to want to die
--
I’ve never been in the hospital
Or an ambulance or cop car
I’ve never lived in a group home
Nowhere near, or far
--
I’ve never been in restraints
I’ve never been sent away
Never been in treatment
Or had meds brought on a tray

--
I don’t need to take pills
I am already sane
I don’t need to go to therapy
I’ve got nothing to gain
--
I sleep soundly every night
No trouble there, it seems
I’ve never had a flashback
I never have bad dreams
--
I've never been abused
Physically or sexually
Nor emotional or mental
It's never happened to me
--
I’ve never dissociated
Never had a panic attack
I’m not this person people think I am
So please, just take a step back
--
This awful girl you're speaking of
This terrible person you see
You must be mistaking with someone else
Because, it's just not me

Please God....

If God can make me better

He can choose to make me well

Why won't He do it now?

I want out of this Hell
--

If He can see it all

He can see that I'm in pain

And He can choose to help

He can choose to make me sane

--

God hears everything

He hears me as I cry

He hears me as I scream

He knows I want to die

--

God's fingers feel my scars

His eyes can see the blood

He hears it hit the ground

Dark red & thick, like mud

--

So why has He not helped me?

Does He want me to live this way?

I just don't want to be like this

I can't stand it another day

--

So God, if you are reading

My prayer is that you'll try

To help me mend my broken heaert

And hold me as I cry

Help Me

I can’t concentrate
I can’t sit still
I need to be calmed
Relaxed with a pill

I need something to help
I need someone to try
I need to be settled
And held while I cry

I’m trying so hard
But I can’t do it on my own
I need a friend to be there
Someone that I can phone

Someone who understands me
Someone who’s not afraid
Someone who will still be there
When all the others fade

They all fade into the background
It’s too much for them to stay
They cannot handle my pain
And they decide to go away

I need someone who’s willing
To help me learn to be
I need help learning how to live
And learning who is me

Fear

fear of the past
fear of the future
fear of the dark
or fear of failure

fear of God
fear of success
fear of the unknown
or fear of illness

fear of reactions
fear of pain
fear of the outcome
fear of change

fear of monsters
fear of insecurity
fear of knowledge
and responsibility

fear of lost control
fear of aging
fear of not being good enough
fear of losing

fear of consistancy
fear of ones enemies
fear of what you've seen
fear of consuming calories

fear of crime
fear of winning
fear of death
and fear of living

fear of blood
fear of fat
fear of what you feel
fear of mice and rats

fear of what you've heard
fear of eating
fear of yourself
or waking up tomorrow morning

what's the scariest thing in the whole world?

nothing

If One Day....

if one day

you should find me

lying on the floor

unconscious and not breathing

without a pulse or a heartbeat

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

you should find me

dead

lying in a puddle of my own blood

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

you should find me

hanging

literally, at the end of my rope

- -
i'm sorry

- -

if one day

the police should come to the door

to tell you they've found my body

on the train tracks

or on the highway

or floating in the lake

and i'm gone

- -
i'm sorry

- -

but-

if one day

you should find me

smiling and laughing

wearing short sleeves

or a bathing suit

and there aren't any scars

- -

please take a picture

- -

so that i can look at it and know

that dreams really can come true

Is It Enough??

Staring up at a starless sky
I sit alone and wonder why

Hearts are broken, people used
Lies are told, loved ones abused

Murders take place, so many die
What does God think, as He watches from the sky?

When disaster strikes, and people cry
Does Our Creator wonder why?

Does He regret giving us free will?
Or what went down on Calvary Hill?

His blood was shed, to bring mercy and grace
So one day we'll be worthy to meet Him face to face

His forgiveness is enough to keep us out of Hell
But is it enough to save us from ourselves?

Sick and Dying

Sitting here so lonely
In my English class
Here, in this empty fishbowl
Faces pressed against the glass

Staring down at me
Hoping I will do a trick
But I refuse to move
Stuck in the corner, sick

Sick of pretending to try
Sick of setting goals
Oh so sick of being sick
Of slipping through the holes

Wishing I was better
Wishing I was strong
Wishing I was different
Wishing that I could belong

Trying to be "normal"
Trying not to cry
Trying to stop bleeding
Trying not to die

Knowing it'll happen
In a day or two
Knowing oh so well
That dyings what I'll do

Razor Blades

Razor Blades
There are worse addictions
Eating
Alcohol
Sex
Weed
Crack
Acid

Razor blades aren't so bad
Rather than harm, they heal
They heal emotional pain

And rather than causing weakness, they provide strength
Making skin stronger, thicker
So it is that much harder for others to get in under it
To break it
To hurt it
To hurt you

Razor Blades are protection
Like guns or clothing or air bags
But not from physical danger
From emotional harm

They are freedom
Releasing you from your broken, hurting heart
Releasing you from your past
Releasing all pain
All anger
All sadness
Razor Blades....

I Think I Get It....

*written a LONG time ago*

- - - - - -

I finally understand
what's wrong with me
i just don't want things back
how they used to be

when i had to be perfect
and still thought i could
when i did everything over
till it was done as it should

now they think I'm a bad ass
I'm a rebel and I'm rough
but i can't let myself weaken
i have to prove i can be tough

I'm scared of the way
things used to be
too much was expected
of one person, that was me

so now that i know
how to let them down
i start to expect it
i want them to frown

i know they'll be disappointed
i know they'll disagree
so all the A's i used to get
turn to B's, then C's, then D's

I'm falling so far
so hard and so fast
they hope this delinquent
phase won't last

but it keeps on going
cause the further i go
the less my perfect phase
continues to show

the D's turn to F's
and I'm kicked out of school
finally I'm not smart!
they realize I'm a fool!

finally they don't
expect me to be
perfect and flawless
I'm finally free

Why I Drank....

**not my own**
- - - - - -
I drank to be witty-
and I became a boor
I drank to be a good dancer-
and it made me stagger
I drank to be a good conversationalist-
and I couldn't pronounce my words
I drank to be sociable-
and I became angry and resentful
I drank to help my appetite-
and I cheated my body of nutrition by not eating right
I drank to be a good lover-
and I couldn't perform
I drank to be popular-
and I lost my friends
I drank to show I was grown-up-
and I became a slobbering, bawling baby
I drank for camaraderie-
and drove everyone away from me
I drank to relax-
and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking
I drank to feel good-
and I suffered through sickening hangovers
I drank to escape-
and I built a prison for myself
I drank to be happy-
and it made me depressed
I drank to enjoy life-
and I contemplated suicide
I drank to find peace-
and I found hell

Reflection

I look in the mirror
and hate what i see
it's my own reflection
staring back at me

a vision, i see
much more than i should
a vision, i know
that's more harm than good

in the washroom, i see it
my reflection, in the bowl
swirling round and round
as the food goes down the hole

it shows up again
in a pool of blood
washing the pain
like water from a flood

the last time i see
the reflection of my frown
is in the water of the lake
as i stand and look down

i step into the vision
as i heave my final sigh
then i give up my breath
and let myself die

Death Between Death

Too cold to feel loved
too loved to feel alone
too alone to hold on
death between death

too much pain, she goes numb
too numb to feel dead
too dead to stay alive
death between death

too responsible to go
too desperate to stay
too realistic to wait any longer
death between death

Temporary Death

I won't forget it
it won't go away
the more i try not to
i think of that day

i was so open
so trusting and dumb
it was going alright
then my brain went all numb

you touched me in places
that you never should
and i didn't say a thing
didn't think that i could

though the trauma's now over
the scars still run deep
so i retreat to my room
and i cry till i sleep

sleep-
-after hours and hours of awakened consciousness

sleep-
-because that sense of being is what makes me so damn afraid

sleep-
-my own temporary death

One day - you'll hear....

One day
you'll hear
about how they found me
hiding in the bathroom
with a kitchen knife
slashing at my wrists
screaming, hysterically
how much i wanted to die

-> and it will be ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
that I'm in the hospital again
not for attempted suicide this time
but for blood loss
there were too many
they were too deep
it was too much
i couldn't stop
i couldn't slow the blood
i couldn't cut out the pain

->and it was ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
"the funeral's next Tuesday"
I'm dead
I've finally done it
I'm finally gone
and you'll never have to put up with me again
I'm dead and I'm never coming back
gone forever

->and it's ALL your fault

My Child,

Give me your hate
Give me your fear
Give me your worries
And they'll disappear

Give me your sadness
Give me your pain
Give me your storms
And I'll stop the rain

Give me your hurt
Give me your tears
I'll use my eraser
And wipe your slate clear

Give me the pieces
Of your broken heart
Give me your world
As it falls apart

Give me your problems
I'll bear them for you
Give me your life
Until it is through

Give me your future
Give me your soul
Give me the pieces
And I'll make you whole

Give me your love
I'll always love you
Give me your all
I gave mine for you

Love,
God

The Great I AM

If You can make the sunshine,
If You produce the rain,
Then surely You can save me,
From this ever present pain.

If You can stop a storm,
And cause the sea to part,
Then oh, so effortless it will be,
To mend my broken heart.

God, you are so powerful,
You've made the world exist.
That power will make it easy for you,
To erase the scars on my wrists.

You've turned water into wine,
You turn daytime into night,
You're omnipotent and powerful,
Only You can make me right.

Awesome Lord, You saved us,
When You died and rose again.
Someday I'll be victorious too,
But, can you please tell me when?

My Great, Almighty God,
So much wonder you inspire.
Could you please douse my heart?
And quiet this raging fire?

You made it rain for 40 days,
And caused the world to flood.
So now it will be simple,
To stop my flowing blood.

Commanding King of King's,
Creation trembles at Your call.
Could you please command Your angels?
To catch me as I fall?

The sun sets at your command,
And up springs the silver moon.
With all the miracles You've performed,
Can it be my turn soon??

©KTB2006

Happily Ever After??

Do you ever wonder how long that is?

Are you ever curious about what happens after "the end" of the story?

Cause it doesn't go the way you'd think..

Here, I'll fill you in on a few not-so-popular details....

~ ~ ~

~ ~

The story of Cinderella

Took a very twisted turn

When the castle caught on fire

And to the ground it burned

With no water to be found

In the middle of a drought

The family was trapped

There was no way to get out

~ ~

Princess Aurora

Has a sad tale to tell

She caught her prince cheating

And bid him farewell

Full of anger and rage

She committed suicide

She jumped out of a window,

Hit the ground and died

The fairies couldn't help her

Though they tried to save their girl

Her soul was too far gone

Departed from this world

~ ~

As for Snow White

She still lives with the dwarfs

Who've since grown tired

Of her cleaning and chores

Since she lives in their home

They think it's their right

She gets gang-banged 7 times

When they come home each night

~ ~

Then there's Ariel & Eric

Who died together, hand in hand

See Eric gave her syphilis

And it took them from this land

As for the daughter, Melody

She didn't catch the disease

But now spends her time curled up in a ball

Rocking and holding her knees

Melody was only 11

When both her parents died

But afraid of the foster care system

She ran away to go hide

~ ~

Last of all

But certainly not least

Is the story of "Belle"

"Beauty and the Beast"

Belle is still alive

But no longer a happy bride

First Gaston raped Belle

Then the beast made sure he died

The beast was soon caught

And they put him in jail

And Belle doesn't have the money

To pay for his bail

~ ~

That's all 5 Disney princesses

Not one story worked out well

So I think it's safe to say

Happily Ever After has gone to Hell

~ ~ ~

~ ~

"Happily ever after is something we all hope to turn out like.... but, after much debate and research, studies have shown that it truly is just a myth."

~ ~

"Happy endings are just stories that aren't finished yet."

Not Alone

Alone

She sits on the train

Looking out the window

At the blue sky & the sun shining outside

--

She sits close to the window

Trying to let the sun in

Hoping it'll penetrate her shell

And warm up that cold, empty space inside her chest

Where her heart's supposed to be

--

But there's a storm raging in her soul

And all the sun in the world

Couldn't outshine her sorrows

--

So she moves away from the window

And closes her eyes

Hoping that for once, her dreams will take her to a happy place

--

Where she has friends

And it doesn't hurt to smile

Where she's never scared

And her body doesn't ache with it's hollow emptiness

--

But as usual, her head is filled with nightmares

Broken hearts & shattered souls

Torn people, longing to be whole again

--

Oddly enough- she's comforted with the feeling that she's not alone

--

That others are struggling just like her

And that there are more empty chests

Raging with terrible storms

--

More arms that are scarred and hidden from the rest of the world

More fears

More secrets

More heartache's

More pain

--

Just as she's starting to settle in to this strange, alternate world

She's jolted awake by a loud clap of thunder

--

She looks out the window

The sun is gone, and the blue skies have turned to gray

There's rain streaming down the glass beside her

And she moves over a little, the water pouring down the sides of the train reminds her of the tears pouring in her soul

--

A bolt of lightening flashes across the sky and she moves a little closer

The jagged streak in the sky almost identical to the scars on her arms

And, she finds that when she looks right at it, she can close her eyes and see the funny shape

Like the scars, that begin to fade, but when she closes her eyes, are all she can see

--

She moves right over, as close as she can get when she hears another clap of thunder

She's no longer alone

For at least these breif few moments, the world is storming like she is

--

And if she pays close attention to the storm outside

If she listens carefully for the thunder

And concentrates on counting until the lightening flashes

--

She finds, much to her amusement

That it can almost drown out the sounds of the storm in her soul

--

For the first time she can remember

In many, many years

She is comforted

And not completely alone

I smiled, and I learned to pretend

I don't have very many childhood memories
But the ones I do have, aren't happy
--
I remember being scared at a very young age
Being lost and alone
--
I remember being sad
So upset that all I could do was cry
--
But I don't remember ever being happy
--
I don't know if there are documented cases of depression at such an early age
But I am convinced that I was a depressed little girl
Undiagnosed until I was 15, but I'm sure it started as early as 5
--
--
I was always sad
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings
I didn't want to go to school
I remember, literally, crying over spilled milk at school
And the awful, hollow ache in my chest, as I tried so hard to hold in the tears so they wouldn't spill over in front of my classmates
--
The many bathroom breaks so that I could go cry all alone in a stall
--
The funny excuses and explanations of why my eyes were always tearing and watering
--
--
I couldn't eat
I came home every day and yelled at my mom for sending me too much food
So every day she sent a little bit less
Until I was only taking a few carrot sticks, a couple crackers and a junior juice
And still, I couldn't finish it all
--
--
I was so tired of being the one with no friends
The one who would rather spend recess in the corner alone
Curled up in a ball, playing with the people in my head
--
I learned my lesson fast
No one likes that child
So I used the summer between 1st and 2nd grades to practice
--
And when I came back in the fall
I told my "friends" that they'd have to wait until school ended
I had to play with the "real" people during the day
--
I came into my classroom on the first day of school, a brand new girl
Faking perfection, I had so much potential
--
I took a deep breath
Put all my Kleenex in the garbage can
And walked inside
--
I smiled
I made friends
And I learned to pretend

Here I Am

Baggy clothes and makeup

Hide my once flawless body

But one day

Some day soon

Those clothes will be replaced

I won't be able to hide anymore

My hair will be pulled back

Off my face

And you'll be forced to look into my eyes

--

Here I am

I'll say

The walking, waking dead

Forced to walk

Death has rejected me

Too many times

--

Here I am

Perfection once caressed my skin

But now my long sleeves and pants have been removed

And taken away from me

Leaving my arms and legs bare

--

Here I am

The flesh that was once a clean white canvas covering my body

Has been hacked at and burned away

With cigarettes and razor blades

--

Here I am

Rotted to the core

Perfections gone

And now it's showing

--

Here I am

If only it hadn't been so hot

Maybe my mask wouldn't have fallen to the ground

But there was too much sweat on my face

And now it's gone

--

It's cold now

And if I could find a glue stick

Maybe I could glue the mask back into place

But it wouldn't do any good

You've already seen past the mask

Only I was supposed to know what hid beyond it

But now you've seen the truth

--

Here I am

There you are

What would you say if I asked you what you see?

Not what you see when you look the other way

But what you see when you look at me?

What you see when you look into my eyes?

--

Is it the same thing I see when I look in the mirror?

--

A girl in a bubble

Trapped in a clear box

Set in the middle of a busy street

Watching the world go on around her

With no one even realizing she's gone

--

A girl waiting

Waiting for the thief who stole her soul

To return it

To leave it on her front door steps

--

A girl watching

Watching to see who took her life away so instantly

And left the crumbs to be so miserable

--

Waiting and watching to see who it is

Not realizing it was herself all along

--

It was all stolen so long ago

She knows she could never be mended

--

A needle and thread

Would do her no good

--

She hopes the mirror is lying

That it's telling a fib

But she recognizes the distortion

She's lived with it too long

She knows it to be her own

--

There she is

There I am

Lying to everyone but myself

--

I always knew my world would crash

But I never expected it to be so soon

I didn't think the fall would hurt so bad

That the ground would be so cold

That the harsh wind would give my body such goose bumps

That the water filling up my world

Would take away my breath so fast

--

I didn't think death would turn me away so many times

--

I always thought that by now

Surely

I'd be gone

Can You Ever Really Start Over??

Tulips

Spring time

Starting over

New life

But, how do you start over, with all the memories?

How do you ever forget the past?

Is there any way to erase what's already been done??

When you try to forget something that you've known so well & for so long

It's like trying to remember something that never really happened

Someone you've never even met

For, even if I could "start over"

"Forget" how good it feels

"Erase" the scars....

I would still be broken

My heart has been shattered too many times

I will never be whole again

And even that's impossible

See, once it's in your head, you become this strange new breed....

A life form that loves to fantasize it's own demise

And forgetting becomes like trying to wash off a permanent tattoo with soap and water

It'll never work

And the harder you scrub, the longer you work at it, the harder you try

The more frustrated you will become

Until it eventually leads to madness

You can cover it up, but it'll always be there, underneath

See, even if I was given some sort of ECT or lazer treatment

I could develop a sort of amnesia....

But even without remembering the past

I would still feel the hole

The ever-present, aching gap in my chest

Where my heart's supposed to be

And all I have to do is look down

See the scars on my arms & legs

To be forever reminded of how much better it felt

Putting them there in the first place

Fairy Tales & Princesses

Baby girls
Beautiful little girls
Sleeping all around me

Their little heads filled with fairy tales
Princesses & Magic Carpets
Wishes & The Ball
Wicked Witches & Poison Apples & Fiery Dragons

But always a hero
To come to the rescue
To slay the dragons
& save you from the witches
& kiss you awake

A prince charming
Come to catch you when you fall

I used to be that child
Many, many years ago

When my clothes didn't match
& boys still had cooties
When stars were the windows to heaven
& everything was made all better again with a kiss & a cookie

When life was so simple
And I didn't have a care in the world

I was one of those princesses once
But my hero forgot to come
And there was no one to slay the dragons
Or save me from the witches
Or kiss me awake

So I kept on dreaming
But my dreams turned to nightmares
Until I pinched myself & found that I was never sleeping to begin with

And now,
Many, many years later,
I make one last wish:

That somewhere, there's a man who's strong enough to catch me when I fall.
And that, if it's still a possibility,
That things could get all better again..

I don't need a cookie,
But the kiss would be nice....

When I Was Small

I've always preferred solitude to companionship
Even when I was small

I preferred spending recesses alone
Curled up in a corner, crying
Afraid to move a muscle
Unable to join the rest of the children,
playing hopscotch and four corners

I always preferred being alone
Reading my books, my precious stories
And then playing with the characters
They were my best friends
It was like I'd known them all my life

All alone, it seemed to everyone else
Playing with the people in my head
Whose lives seemed so much more glamorous than mine
So much more real, to me anyway

I tried in desperation to make them understand
But they left to play ponies
Or fairy princesses

I was a princess once
Those characters from plays or songs
They told me so

And, the ponies didn't understand
Frolicking and prancing in the sun
They didn't understand
How the people in my head
Were the only ones
Who made me feel alive

FREEDOM

So far I’ve had trouble
Living this life that was handed to me
I’ve learned to live with the pain
I figured I’d never be free

All these years I’ve thought it was only me
Alone to change my ways
I thought if I could be different
I wouldn’t have such miserable days

First I tried to be perfect
In ever aspect of my life
But perfect never felt so perfect
And that’s when I took up the knife

I used it to punish myself
By cutting when I was bad
I used it to control my feelings
So I’d never again be so mad

It’s not that I didn’t know it was wrong
I just needed it to survive
Or sometimes when I felt dead inside
The blood reminded me I was alive

I used it to deal with my problems
When I was depressed and sad
And sometimes for no reason at all
Just to quiet this addiction I had

But today is when I start a new life
Though I am truly scared
God’s going to help me through it
He told me He’s always cared

“You can’t cut your way out of this-
-it won’t get better with a blade”
Was the message that I heard
The promise that God made

So I’m going to clean out my stash
Take all the temptation away
And then with Jesus by my side
I’ll take it day by day

I don’t feel like I can do this
But I just have to choose
There’s so much I could gain
And, what do I have to lose?

The scars, the blood stains,
The secrets, the lies?
The gossip about me?
The questioning eyes?

I won’t miss any of these
-that’s for sure!
And, hey, if I can make it work,
I’ll have found a cure!

The bible says I can do anything
“Through Christ who strengthens me”
And I’ll do whatever it takes

To finally be free

© Kathryn Small

† † † †

Isaiah 1:15-20

(emphasis mine)

15 When you spread out your hands in prayer,

I will hide my eyes from you;

even if you offer many prayers,

I will not listen.

Your hands are full of blood;

16 wash and make yourselves clean.

Take your evil deeds

out of my sight!

Stop doing wrong,

17 learn to do right!

Seek justice,

encourage the oppressed.

Defend the cause of the fatherless,

plead the case of the widow.

18 "Come now, let us reason together,"

says the LORD.

"Though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson,

they shall be like wool.

19 If you are willing and obedient,

you will eat the best from the land;

20 but if you resist and rebel,

you will be devoured by the sword."

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Just One More

"just one more hour mom,
please, just let me stay"
but that one turned into many
and now she'll have to pay

"just one more smoke", she says
"and then i will quit."
but now that butt is gone
and another one's been lit

just one more drink tonight
she makes the promise in her mind
how was she to know he'd drug her?
he'd always been so kind!

just one more teardrop
sliding down her cheek
she quickly wipes it away
not wanting anyone to peek

just one more new blade
just one more deep slice
just one more blood stain
there, that should suffice

"it's just one more pill"
my shrink tries to explain
"one more pill each morning,
to help you stay more sane"

just one more attempt
is what she did decide
just one more attempt
at committing suicide

just one more life
taken from this land
just one more funeral
needing to be planned

just one more lost soul
that can't find it's way home
just one more depressed writer
writing one more suicide poem

The Point of No Return

things have gotten way out of control
kinda ironic, since that's all i really wanted
control
control of my life

with a blade in my hand, i had the power
life was mine, fuck everyone else
they'd never understand

with one swift move, the blood is released
but the power, and control also run free

at first i had the choice
but now it's an addiction
life's been taken out of my hands
all i'm left with are the scars
on my body and in my mind
they can't be erased
time won't heal them
nothing will change
they are forever a reminder
i'm past the point..
of no return....

Senses

Taste the saltiness
In each tear
Taste this sadness
So severe

Smell the metallic
Blood that's here
Smell the ever-
Present fear

Hear my thoughts
Hear my dreams
Hear all of my
Silent screams

Feel my hate
Feel my pain
Feel so mad
Feel insane

See my tears
Fall to the floor
See my blood
Watch it pour

Know i'm trying
But know it's hard
Know that forever
I'll always be scarred

Taste the tears
Smell the fears
Screams you hear
Feel the end drawing near
Look in the mirror
And know that it's here

Flowing

Sweat
Flowing down my face
Dripping from my chin
Sweat
Flowing down my arms
Dripping off my fingers
Yet i refuse to change out of my long sleeves
Even in this 30 degree weather
I refuse to even roll up these sleeves
Afraid of revealing my arms
My scars
Those ever-present reminders of my weaknesses and failures

Tears
Flowing from my eyes
Dripping down my nose, off my cheeks
Tears
Flowing
Like a waterfall
The eighth wonder of the world
"kathryn falls"

Blood
Flowing from the cuts
Dripping from my arms
Blood
Flowing
Creating a beautiful, crimson puddle
All ruby red and shiny
So shiny that i can see my reflection in it
i can see my future
my death
my own demise

in this puddle
of all the fluids
flowing
flowing together
to show me where it ends

Where Am i Going??

i don't know anymore,
what direction i'm going

if i want to go, when i'll go,
or if i'll go without knowing

i tire easily of this place,
in this state of thinking

i'm stuck here, underwater,
locked in chains and sinking

i don't like mirrors anymore,
i don't recognize the one looking back

that girl looks cold & empty,
so colourless & black

i'm there somewhere, lost inside,
trying to find my way out

yelling & screaming so loud,
yet nobody hears me shout

wondering how i lost my way,
and how i'll ever get back

i sit & watch the girl in the mirror,
as her world turns black

never helping myself, of course,
because i just don't care

hey, i looked as i was falling,
and there was nobody there

i don't need anyone blaming me,
i hate that accusing stare

for when i needed you the most,
you were never there

my heart can't take anymore of this,
all the pain that's buried inside

i'm suffering here alone,
my happiness has died

i need no one else to cause me pain,
i do that on my own

i'm broken, lost, confused,
drifting into the unknown


"i was taken away, literally what people mean when they say "she went kicking and screaming", and now i'm left with this constant fear .. i'm sure, that at any minute now, the men in white coats will be here, but maybe, just maybe, if i stay really still, and quiet, they won't put the straight-jacket on me when they get here...."

Say Good-bye to Father's Yell

fuck you! go away!
just leave me the hell alone
shut your God-damned mouth
and watch your fucking tone

get the fuck out of my life
i don't need your stupid shit
i don't need anything from you
i hope i die without any of it

i don't care that you're my father
DNA doesn't make me feel love
you'll never be my daddy
my Dad lives up above

my Dad isn't an ass-hole
He understands who i am
my Daddy never yells at me
He says i'm His perfect lamb

my 'father' think's he's powerful
but he is so fucking wrong
my Daddy has the real power
i love to sing His song

my Daddy in heaven loves me
He actually wants me there
my stupid 'father' just wants to control me
he doesn't really care

one of these days i'll be gone
from my 'father's' hateful hell
my Daddy will take me in His arms
say good-bye to 'father's' yell

Waiting

i sit here alone,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting.

i sit here so silently,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting.

i sit here late at night,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting.

i sit here in the bath-tub,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting.

i sit here in agony,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting.

i sit here in the cool of the night,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting to be found,
waiting.

i sit here in the twilight,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting to be found,
waiting for someone to care,
waiting.

i sit here in the familiar blackness,
waiting for my cuts to bleed,
waiting for the tears,
waiting for sadness to envelop me,
waiting for my identity,
waiting for my heart to beat,
waiting to be found,
waiting for someone to care,
waiting to live or waiting to die,
i will be waiting forever,
waiting.

a broken hollow mockery of the human condition

feeling frantic
tightening fists
she can't take
much more of this

silently inside
she screams & shouts
looks too awful
can't go out

wanting to quit
this thing called life
shredded skin
a bloody knife

a hollow girl
with empty eyes
hides her secrets
tells her lies

knowing she shouldn't
she tries to hold on
but her heart & her soul
are already gone

a broken, hollow, mockery
nothing but a shell
it looks so much like a girl
no one can even tell

Bloody Raindrops

**ok, so there are really 2 versions of this poem- this one, and "crimson teardrops". you've probably noticed they're pretty much the same thing.. i'm looking for input as to which one is better, or which parts of which one i should use to make the final draft- thanks!! -kathryn**

broken down
smashed around
bloody raindrops
hit the ground

almost died
by suicide
bloody raindrops
fall outside

all alone
no one cares
bloody raindrops
desperate prayers

lost and numb
razorblades
bloody raindrops
all hope fades

bright red slashes
across my wrists
bloody raindrops
can't resist

frantic thoughts
run through my mind
bloody raindrops
left behind

falling fast
silent screams
bloody raindrops
broken dreams

awful memories
empty eyes
bloody raindrops
never cries

falsely promised
wordless fears
bloody raindrops
for all these years

no one noticed
what was wrong
bloody raindrops
now she's gone

Crimson Teardrops

broken down
tarnished crown
crimson teardrops
soak my gown

almost died
by suicide
crimson teardrops
fall inside

all alone
no one's home
crimson teardrops
soak this poem

lost and lonely
no one cares
crimson teardrops
desperate prayers

bright red slashes
across my wrists
crimson teardrops
can't resist

frantic thoughts
run through my head
crimson teardrops
better off dead

falling fast
silent screams
crimson teardrops
broken dreams

awful memories
empty eyes
crimson teardrops
my demise

falsely promised
wordless fears
crimson teardrops
for all these years

no one's noticed
what was wrong
crimson teardrops
now i'm gone

i'd rather be lied to

i had brain surgery 6 years ago
it ruined my life
i now feel so bad
that i cut with a knife

i used to be so smart
but i dropped out of school
i didn't even graduate
now i feel like a fool

i was an awesome cheerleader
but now most of that is gone
i did gymnastics too
often practicing on my lawn

i was quite strong and flexible
keeping myself in good shape
but they put me on prednisone
my entire image was raped

i kept my body thin
always careful about what i ate
but all of their drugs made me change so much
i'm now largely overwheight

i was failing at everything
that i used to be able to do
it was so discouraging
there was nothing i could do

i grew apart from all my friends
spending more time by myself
i felt isolated and lonely
sitting in the back corner of the shelf

i hate my life more and more
with each passing day
and i've begun to wish
everything would just go away

but it won't now, it never will
no matter what i do
and i know- if this is the truth
i'd rather be lied to

Breaking, Killing, Stealing, Losing, Dying

Breaking
my body- my soul, being broken
this pain cannot be spoken
my nightmares won’t be woken
i’m stuck with this token
and i know, i’ll never be whole again

Killing
killing my arm
with all this self harm
causing so much alarm
but the blood feels so warm
and i know, i’ll never be able to stop

Stealing
stealing’s my goal
i won’t pay the toll
i long to be whole
0 -the dice roll
but there isn’t a 0, and i know, i’ll never amount to anything

Losing
i’m losing the game
cause i'm so lame
this is not why i came
i’ll never be the same
and i know, i’ll never win again

Dying
i’m dying inside
though i’ve tried to hide
all these tears that i’ve cried
i’ve already died
and i know, that it’s no use, i’ll never be alive again

Tell Me You Understand

Look at my life
And tell me you too have cried
Tell me you know the feeling
Of being dead inside

Explain to me a panic attack
How your body shakes with fear
How hard it is to breath
How you just can't think clear

Tell me about the disassociation
The time jumps and the gaps
Tell me about the restraints
How they tie you down with straps

Tell me about the pills
They make you swallow every day
Tell me about how hard you wish
Everything would go away

Tell me about the hospitals
The institutions and the work
The programs and the homes
Where others like you lurk

Tell me just how bad you feel
Every single night
How you'd rather give up living
Than continue with this fight

Tell me what it's like
Watching blood drip from your arm
Tell me you get so desperate
That you resort to self-harm

Describe to me the burning
The never ending pain
That you create each day
As a result of being insane

Tell me you're so frantic
You want to die at your own hand
Please, tell me you also feel this way
Tell me you understand

Sinners Prayer

** i did not write this poem, all the credit goes to "Nikki" from poems-and-quotes, who did an amazing job of writing down exactly the way i feel**

my Father who art in heaven
yes, You know my name
i used to be so innocent
but now, i'm not the same

grant me Your graceful time
don't ignore my tear
just please, understand
that this, You need to hear

born into sinfulness
washed in Holy Blood
righteousness to wrongfulness
sinning just because

Lord God, bestow salvation
my soul yearns to free
the evil temptations
that rest inside of me

now i stand upon my feet
peering upon a knife
knowing i love Jesus
but yet, i hate my life

please forgive the future
forgive this that i'll do
remember that i'm sorry
and Lord, i love You too

when i cut my throat
remember this sinner's call
forgive me now Father
let angels catch my fall

No, I don't want to hold your hand

I don't need medication
For sadness is not a disease
I don't need institutions
Where they throw away the keys

I don't need anymore friends
For they've all come and gone
I don't need your instructions
I, myself can tell right from wrong

I don't need plastic smiles
Or pretending that you care
And please, unless you mean it-
Don't say you'll always be there

I don't need anyone else
Telling me what is best
If I can't believe it myself
I'll never pass the test

I don't need God or Jesus
He's never helped me before
I don't need to be rescued
Just leave me dying on the floor

I don't need talk, or therapy
I don't expect you to understand
Right now, I just need to cry
And no, I don't need to hold your hand

Behind These Eyes

A blond haired, blue eyed cheerleader
As perfect as can be
Too bad she's not real
She's who I pretend to be

A flick of my curls
The wink of an eye
A kiss blown to the crowd
And this image, they buy

A stuck bow 'n arrow
Followed by a double full
All these fancy tricks
And no one knows it's bull

For now my blue eyes sparkle
From deep within they shine
But I'm simply an actress pretending
Working this act of mine

See, behind the sparkle
The blue eyes cry
They don't want to shine
What they want is to die

Behind these blue eyes
That can act so well
I cry tears of blood
As I silently yell

"I don't want to be here,
In this land of fake,
I'd rather be shot,
Or drowned in a lake!"

Behind my blue eyes
The pain never ends
Secret cuts and burns
Are my only friends

Behind this false pretense
I drown in my own blood
It's sticky, all around me,
Dark red and thick, like mud

But no one knows what happens
When I'm all alone
They think that I'm all shimmery
Perhaps just accident prone

They see me every day
But believe all my stories and lies
And choose to see the glimmer
The sparkle in these blue eyes

Rachael (thanksgsiving..)

my baby, my angel
oh, what should i do?
she's exactly like me
could she end this way too?

we're so much alike
every last little touch
but i can't let it happen
i love her too much

she's already started
in so many ways
but i must make it stop
or else, one of these days....

could it be that i've spent
with her, far too much time?
that i'm now rubbing off
onto this perfect child of mine?

that's all i can think of
and so i will stay
away from my angel
i can't think of another way

then since i won't spend
anymore time with her
she'll grow out of this stage
i'll have found a cure!

i'll miss her so much
but i love her, you see
so from now on i'll keep her
far away from me

I'm here for YOU

** to clarify this poem, i teach at a private school and this poem is about how i am there for the children, not for myself..

I am not here to smile
- I am here to light up your beautiful, young faces

I am not here to laugh
- I am here to make your young, smiling faces erupt into giggles

I am not here to confide in you my dreams
- I am here to listen to yours and encourage you to follow them

I am not here to be loved
- I am here to love you, unconditionally, through the good times and the bad

I am not here to be remembered
- I am here to rememeber each and every one of you so I can call you by name and recognize your parents when they come to pick you up

I am not here to be cared about
- I am here to care for you and keep you safe from harm

I am not here to cry
- I am here to dry your tears and make everything all better again

I am not here to fight
- I am here to break up your fights and keep you from being hurt

I am not here to have a good day
- I am here to make yours the best I possibly can

I am not here to live
- I am here to die for you, so that you can live a long and eventful life, and that you may live it to the fullest so that all your dreams may come true

Better Off Dead

I'm better off dead
Put a gun to my head
Put a knife to my throat
Cut me so deep
So deep I won't cope

A few little pills
And myself I will kill
It should do the trick
It'll be all your fault
Your fault you dumb dick

You made me sad
You made me mad
You made me cry
And now I bleed
I bleed as I die

Heaven or Hell??

Slit my wrists
Slit them deep
Watch me fall
Into an endless sleep

Don't bother trying
To wake me in the dawn
The hospital can't save me
I'm already gone

Either gone up to heaven
Or through the fiery gates of hell
Until your turn comes up
You won't ever tell

I haven't been angelic
In my life so far
I've been much more of a devil
Hanging out in bars

So I don't think I'll go up
Now that I'm finally dead
They'll take one look at this life I've lived
And send me down instead

i walk around
like i'm ok
and sometimes i forget

sometimes i almost believe
that i'm ok

and then i look down
and i see the scars
the marks of a cutter

i'm reminded
and i know

i'll never really be alright

I Want To Give Up

i want to give up
run away from the pain
get away from this place
find a hole,
where i can curl up,
and eventually die.

i don't need happiness,
i've lived without it this long.

i just need to forget,
everyone and everything.

i don't need anyone's help.
everyone's tried helping,
but look what it brought me,
nothing.

i just wanna give up.

Dare 2 Dig Deeper

- i sat on the lid of the toilet and began to cut through my skin.
i could never resist responding with my frantic self-abuse. as i inflicted pain onto my skin, i began to feel relief flood through me. the physical pain shut out the emotional pain. i tried to hang onto that, but i knew it wouldn't last long enough.
even as i began to clean the wounds, the rush of complex thoughts made me feel both guilty and comforted, alone in my pain, yet in control of unexpressed emotions. a freak with a secret. next time it will take even more pain to find that brief release.
- "cutting is the replacement for the absent language."
- "You have so much pain inside yourself that you try to hurt yourself on the outside because you want help." --Princess Diana
- others feel 'dead' and turn to SI to be reminded that they're still alive
- "self-injurers are often bright, talented, creative achievers- perfectionists who push themselves beyond all human bounds, people-pleasers who cover their pain with a happy face." -- Marilee Strong
- there are also self-abusers who have come to rely upon no one else and use SI as an emotional release
- the self-injurer may not even be aware of what she is doing to herself, and as for reasons, these most likely elude her as well
- despite the way it may look, cutting is usually not a failed suicide attempt
- the progressive, addictive nature of this disorder can be life threatening. the more desperate a cutter becomes, the higher risk of accidental suicide
- they've lost sight of the truth somewhere along the line. --when you construct your world view on a series of misunderstandings, its like building a skyscraper with the foundation out of plumb. a fractional misalignment at the bottom becomes a whopping divergence from true by the time you get to the top.
- i'm caught in a web of deception whose strands have been created by myself and others. i can usually recall, and grossly distort any critisism i've ever heard.
- thoughts come in gradually at first, then pick up momentum more and more quickly, snowballing into a crushing avalanche of fault finding remarks. i don't know the truth, or how to use it to fight back. that overwhelming misbelief about who i've 'heard' i am, has become the cracked foundation upon which i base my reality. frustration and feelings of helplessness can drive me to the edge in a matter of moments.
- i started cutting to silence the clashing voices that buzzed like static, drowning out the truth i longed for.. prayed for.. searched for.
- over time i've become more separated from my feelings and have employed a clerk of sorts, to file my life into neat folders and cabinets..
- i've begun to notice that i can't feel, even when i want to
- i've resumed cutting in desperation, to remind myself that i'm still alive. the blood seems to be the only evidence that i'm not dead yet.
- when you haven't felt in years- and your memories of feelings are so intensely distorted- the thought of being hit with such a tidal wave of emotion is enough to drive out all hope of normalcy.
- i'm afraid it will take a great deal of time to recover and i know there will be temptations and lapses on the road to healing..

i watch the world through tear-filled eyes
and wonder up at stormy skies
i dream about the awful things
tomorrow will unfortunately bring
i keep my secret plans and prayers
tucked far away, where no one cares
and way beyond horizons far
comes another drink, from the bar
i journey to new worlds unmet
with terrors undiscovered yet
nightmares take me on horrific rides
with satan himself, as my guide
i close my eyes, and try to sleep
but instead, terrified, i weep
id stop it if i only could
but come back to haunt me, it surely would

My Reflection

I saw a girl
The other day
A girl who seemed
So far away
The first thing I noticed
When I saw her there
Was how sad she looked
So full of despair
Her face was lined
From all her tears
That left black tracks
Of mascara smears
Next I looked
Down at her arm
It was covered in scars
From her self-harm
She had cut words
Into her skin
Scars to show the world
How dark it had been
She’d also used a cigarette
To burn circles in a row
Because of all the pain inside
That she wanted to show
Some of the cuts were brand new
In her hand she held a blade
Slashing her arm again and again
She was going to need first aid
Blood dripped all over the floor
And she just let it fall
She watched it flood from the open wounds
Not seeming to care at all
I wanted to help the poor girl
So I tried to take a step near
But I hit a cold, solid wall
It was my bathroom mirror

Life Goes On

People laugh
People cry
Some say hello
Some say good-bye
So many have fallen
In this world where we live
So many accuse
But never forgive
Tornados and hurricanes
Destroy our homes
There are fires and floods
Where our children used to roam
Women and children
Are hit and abused
But the person responsible
Is often excused
There is so much violence
Destructiveness and force
It seems all the marriages
End in divorce
Children are kidnapped
Women are raped
And cold blooded killers
Somehow escape
Shots are fired
Knives are drawn
People we love
Are too soon gone
Troubled teens
Turn to drinking and drugs
If only there was someone
To give kisses and hugs
So many hurt
So much blood is spilled
And too many people
Are victimized and killed
Suicide’s fail
Things go wrong
We want to give up
But life goes on

Brand New Day

i woke up this morning
to a brand new day
my life felt bright and colourful
instead of dull and gray

a quick look at my wardrobe
told me this just would not do
all my clothes were dark and black
i needed something new

so i headed to my sisters' rooms
to find something to wear
i borrowed a pink, 'girly' outfit
and then i did my hair

not too much make-up
- don't want to look too black
i pranced confidently out of the house
determined not to look back

i walked down the street with my head held high
excited about the new me
i couldn't wait to hear their reactions
when everyone got to see

they'll see that i'm all better
no more dreams of suicide
for all that's left is good
it's the evil that has died

i smile as i approach
ready to hear what they say
but their reactions are unexpected
they laugh and point my way

"look at what she's done!
what- now she thinks she's alive?
she can't change after this long
she's been dead for years inside!"

"you can change your clothes, princess
but it won't change what's underneath
you may be wearing pink today
but you're still black beneath"

"clothes, and hair, and makeup..
-it's all superficial shit.
we can still see the scars
from where your wrists were slit"

"you may think you have changed
but we all know the truth
you'll always be that troubled girl
that you've been since your youth"

"you'll never get any 'better'
never will you be well
we all know your secrets
you don't even have to tell"

so much for that bright new day
my blue skies have turned black
forget this stupid, ugly, pink shit
the dark is coming back

She'll always be too young
From my point of view
To see who I am
And know what I do

But I'm an expert at this game
And if I play it carefully
She'll never have to know
That everyday's a fight for me

I'll lie through all her questions
And hide away my scars
But even when she sees them
She won't know quite what they are

"The cat scratched me"
Is a common reply
"I fell onto a rosebush"
Another perfect alibi

"I tripped when I was rollerblading
And went straight into a ditch
A piece of glass, it cut my arm
They had to fix it with a stitch"

"I fell down a cliff in the ravine,
I had a concussion too"
There's always a better answer
Than the truth about what I do

I was almost 16 when she was born
A sophomore in high school
More together then, than I am now
I still obeyed every rule

But as I got older everything changed
Explaining feelings I'd had as a child
I began to get why I secretly cried
But then covered things up, and smiled

For even as a young girl
Inside I knew it was true
You had to be smiles and rainbows
For anyone to like you

As I learned more and more
I became more depressed
And I tried really hard
But grew more and more messed

I learned that dreams I'd had
Ever since I was small
Had actually happened for real
I wasn't making them up at all

So, now they know why
I am the way I am
But it doesn't change the treatments
It just explains their plan

A lifetime of drugs and therapy
That's what I have to look forwards to
For as long as I live, I'll swallow pills
That will make me into someone new

They'll change the person that I am
For even though without them I'm slipping away
Things I've been through make me myself
And the drugs send me away

So, until I find a way to escape
Though I fear I never will
I'm stuck here dripping with blood
And swallowing yet one more pill

At least the pain reminds me
That I'm still alive and well
That I haven't quite yet died
I'm still on earth, I'm not in Hell

This letter is to anyone.. or no one.. I don't really know. I guess I should be writing in a diary or something- I just need to get this stuff down and out of my head.

I should probably be back in the hospital right now.. I mean, in all honesty, I suppose it was a suicide attempt. A very pitiful and nowhere near successful suicide attempt, but an attempt none-the-less.
Except, I'm not sure that I really wanted to die. I tried. God knows, I tried. I wanted so badly to hit something vital.. for the desperation of my outside circumstances to match the desperation I feel inside.
Well, that, and the blood. I wanted to see the blood, spurting with every pulse of my heart. I wanted to see that beautiful, crimson pumping out of my body.
But, I had my phone right there.. I could have called 911 so easily, and so fast. I could have had ambulances and police cars at my house in seconds and "heroes" running into the house to rescue me.
Rescue.
That's the word.
I can't imagine ever being "rescued". I can't imagine anyone ever pulling through and "saving" me from myself.
And, that's what it is. My mom thinks that she can make things better by taking shit away from me.. the blades, the knives, the matches, the lighters, the needles, etc.. she thinks that removing the temptation will be enough, that making all the same cursory attempts any parent makes when their child is slipping away will be enough, that it'll make me "all better again" (as if that were even possible at this point).
And, the thing is, one would think that would make sense.. but, that's based on the common belief that it's those things that she takes away from me that are a danger to me, and not, as is the case, that I am a danger to myself.

**to be continued....**.. someday.. **

I tried

I tried
I couldn’t make it deep enough
Even though it was completely frozen
I still couldn’t get deep enough
Deep enough to hit a vein, or an artery
Deep enough to do any “real” damage
Deep enough to kill
I guess I need a newer, sharper blade
I’ll remember to try that next time

I did bleed quite a bit
It was beautiful
But, I covered it
And wrapped them both up
Hidden from view
So no one knows
No one but me
And Him
No one but us

I think I need to go to the hospital again
Not for my arms
Not for the blood
For my head
My thoughts
Me

“me” needs to be institutionalized
Sedated, restrained
“me” needs to be kept from doing anymore harm to herself
“me” can be a very bad girl....

One of these days, “me” is gonna go too far
“me” is gonna lose too much blood
“me” is gonna pass out
and “me” is gonna wake up dead

Is that what she wants?
To die?
Sometimes I think so..
Sometimes I don’t..

Mostly, I think that “me” just wants to be rescued
Mostly, I think that “me” doesn’t want to end up a tragedy..
and that’s where she’s headed..
and she needs help….

That’s what I think
Mostly

I'm Bleeding For You

i take out my razor
test it's sharpness with a prick on my finger
as the tiny, ruby red droplets begin to leak from the surface
i am assured that it will do the job just fine

i begin to make cuts on my arm
shallow, superficial wounds at first
and then deeper, more dangerous lacerations
as i realize i'm out of control
i can't stop myself....

slash
for the incomplete assignments on my desk, waiting to be finished
slash, slash
for the sol circles i worked on until my hands were raw and bleeding, and i still couldn't get
slash, slash, slash, slash
one for each pound i'm determined to lose this week
and slash, slash.. 6 more
one for each person who has abandoned me when i needed them the most

i stop to catch my breath
and watch the blood run down my arms
bleeding out the memories
bleeding out the lies
bleeding out the feelings

if you saw me, would you even care?
would you take the time to cry?
or tell me that you were there??

when you're about to walk away
just remember
how unhappy i am

just when you're about to leave
remember
i'm bleeding for you

Don't Wanna Be Me

Will I ever be good enough?
Will I ever do it right?
Will I ever fit in?
Will I ever win this fight?

It's such a constant battle
All I want is to be free
I want to be somebody else
It's too hard being me

I wanna be someone
That people don't hate
Someone who's liked
Who boys wanna date

I wanna be someone
Who knows what to do
Who can be on her own
Who doesn't need you

I wanna be a girl
Who can just be real
Who doesn't have to fake
The things she thinks and feels

I wanna be able
To let down my guard
To just feel content
It shouldn't be so hard

I don't wanna be
The one that you see
When you glance this way
I don't want you to see me

once upon a time

once upon a fairytale
or maybe just upon a dream
i held onto something special
a shining, bright moonbeam

but as fairytales are likely to end
and dreams are likely to die
the grip loosened on my moonbeam
and it flew into the sky

i was up so high
when i fell down
so hard and so fast
down to the ground

as the saying goes
"there's nowhere left to fall"
once you've hit rock bottom
it can't get worse at all

but i soon found out
that the saying's not right
once you reach the ground
you dig for the light

looking up really is
the easy thing to do
but it's such a simple answer
it doesn't occur to you

once upon a dream
or maybe a nightmare
i held on so tightly
to something no longer there

kill me, stab me

my laughter, for this blood you'll trade
so kill me, stab me, with a blade

my death you want, instead of life
so kill me, stab me, with a knife

you hate how i am, so you treat me like dirt
just kill me, stab me, make it hurt

you think i'm an idiot, though i used to be smart
so kill me, stab me, right through the heart

kill me, stab me, make me bleed
murder me, please! i'll finally be freed!

Letter to the X

kevin,

i hate you
you're dirty, perverted and sick
and what did i suck?
cause you have no dick!!

that's a pretty vital organ
so i guess we didn't fuck
and we're never ever gonna
you're shit outta luck

go ahead and spread rumors
you know they aren't true
once everyone finds out
they'll never believe you

if you ever tell my secrets
i swear, you'll fucking die
then instead i'll throw a party
cause at funerals people cry

you're a cradle-snatching bastard
and you don't deserve to life
you can push all you want
i won't break, bend or give

when you threaten to say things
i just hate you more
i won't drop to my knees
or bow to the floor

you're an ass-hole and you know it
so just wait and see
once everyone finds out
they'll ALL believe me

Dear God, Love The Broken

Take my sadness
Take my shame
Take my storms
And stop the rain

Take my worries
Take my fears
Hold me close
And stop my tears

Take the hurt
Take the pain
Fix my head
Make me sane

Take the pieces
Of my broken heart
Take my world
As it falls apart

Take my body
Take my soul
Take all the parts
And make me whole

Take my future
Take my past
Give it back
And make it last

Take my life
Take my all
Pick me up
When I fall

Take my problems
Take all you see
Call me your child
And always love me

Friends Forever

** i wrote this poem for Carrie Tetley **
** if you're reading this, give me a call or something- i miss you!! **

"Friends forever" we promised

"Together till the end"

We did everything together

You were my best friend

Sure, we were young and foolish

To us life was just a game

But I always thought that as we grew

Our friendship would remain

I guess that was just another

Of my mistaken, childhood dreams

For as we grew, we grew apart

So far that we ripped the seams

The seams of a cherished friendship

That we worked so hard to build

In my heart was left a hole

A hole that you once filled

It couldn't be filled with just anything

I had to find the perfect fit

For it was a missing puzzle piece

And you, of course, were just it

But the piece of your puzzle fits somewhere else now

Somewhere that's far away

So until the day comes, that you'll want to come back

I'll just have to hope and pray

I love you girl,
always will,
Kathryn

burning flesh, searing pain
i want to do it all again
another match, or razor blade
create the wounds, that i have made

i don't have feelings
my body is numb
in an attempt to feel
i sometimes act dumb

but wait- it's back!
there's feeling once more
it now hurts so much
that my heart hits the floor

each time i take a breath
it hurts deep down inside
and the more i try to act alive?
it feels like i have died

so many tears run down my face
it's creating a heart broken flood
each and every tear is cutting me
and now i'm crying blood

sometimes it just gets to be too much
i try to turn outside in
hoping that i can make it hurt
more externally than within

salt & ice, matches, razor blades
whatever will do the trick
i know that it's not right
and it's a habit i should kick

but it just makes me feel so much better
it's as though it's something i need
the way you need oxygen to breath
i need blood when i'm feeling uneased

as they walk down the beach, on a warm summer's night
not a word comes from her mouth
it's not uncomfortable, or awkward
there's just so much to think about

he's just so perfect, and she loves him so much
he's almost too good to be true
she just wants to scream, as they walk down that beach
"go away! i'm not good enough for you!"

but as always, she remains silent
she hides it all deep down inside
she's ashamed to express her feelings
so they walk quietly side by side

it's just that she doesn't believe in God
and she doesn't want him to find out
she's tried so hard to make it seem real
but there always remains some doubt

he's christian, but she doesn't want to be
basically he's right and she's wrong
sooner or later she'll face it
but she's been avoiding it all along

she wants to believe, but it's so unreal
like a fairy tale that never comes true
and everything she's ever been led to believe
it seems she eventually outgrew

when you're little you believe in the tooth fairy
and the easter bunny and santa claus too
but as you get older, you learn it's a lie
so what if the bible's not true??

he tells her it's real, and she wants to believe
but she's heard it all before
she doesn't want to be let down again
so her heart has chosen to ignore

she continues to walk in silence
but tries hard to change her thoughts
her worries are slowly turned to questions
and she becomes rather distraught

"what's the point of living,
if you only live to die?"
"life always seems too pointless-
i can't help but wonder- why?"

she's very aware, these are dangerous thoughts
and she's walking on thin ice
but she really couldn't care less
she thinks dying would be nice!!

falling asleep and never waking up
it sounds like a dream come true
but she's tried it before, and it never seemed to work
she'd have to think of something new

it would have to look like an accident
so no one would think they're to blame
then she catches herself and her thoughts
she really just wants out of all this pain

"what am i planning?" she thinks..
"my life can't possibly be that bad"
as they walk a bit further, hand in hand
she thinks of the troubles she's had

last year, she completely stopped eating
because gymnastics relies on weight
her confidence and self-esteem
were based on how much she ate

her parents began to worry
and it became harder to cover up
so after she ate, she'd slip off to the bathroom
and force herself to throw-up

a lot of her friends are suicidal
and i guess it's worn off onto her
she's tried to kill herself too many times
and now she's a self-mutilator

she cuts herself when she's crying
because it seems to stop her tears
she cuts herself when she's scared
because it helps to calm her fears

she cuts herself when she's lonely
when she's frustrated or depressed
she cuts herself when she's mad at herself
cause she hasn't done her best

she cuts herself because it hurts so bad
that he just can't love her back
and she cuts herself because she knows
that he deserves better than that

she cuts herself because she doesn't believe
that God will work everything out
and as she strolls down the beach, with the one she loves
that's all she can think about

With A Glimmer

with a glimmer of hope
i take this blade
and slide it quickly
unafraid

there's a glimmer of desire
at seeing the other side
a glimmer of appeal
at testing this death ride

with a glimmer of allure
i take the pills, one by one
making sure to take them slow enough
to this time get it done

there's a glimmer of fascination
in this time doing it right
a glimmer at the end of the tunnel
the glimmer of that bright light

there's a glimmer of attraction
as i stare over the wall
a glimmer at the bottom
and i can't wait to fall

there's a glimmer of temptation
at hanging from that rope
at letting the life drain away
and staying away, i hope

there's a glimmer in the gun
in the barrel, just inside
i was trying to see it closely
when -BANG- it hit me and i died

Why Can't You Know??

Can't you hear me screaming?
Sharp, jagged words of rage?
Can't you hear me pleading?
To be let out of this cage?

Can't you smell the fear?
I can no longer hide..
You just follow the scent of the terror
Overwhelming me inside

Can't you taste the salt?
That's pouring from my eyes?
Also running down my legs..
From the cuts on my thighs....

Can't you feel the desperation?
Of this tortured soul?
Battered, bruised and broken
Longing to be whole..

Can't you see that I'm empty?
There's nothing left inside
The heart that once beat, long ago
Has withered away and died

Can't you tell that I'm dying?
I'm slowly fading away
If someone doesn't help me
I won't last another day

I'm in all your senses
So why don't you know?
How much it hurts?
How I long to let go??

What You Used To Do

You used to answer
When I would call
You used to catch me
When I would fall

You used to listen
And try to understand
When I was scared
You held my hand

You comforted me
All the times when I'd cry
You saved my life
When I wanted to die

Whenever I thought
There was no one there
You used to remind me
That you really did care

When things got real bad
And I just wanted out
You used to remind me
Of things I cared about

You used to help turn things
From wrong to right
And I sure could use
What you used to do
Tonight

What If?

What if I can't get over this?
What if I don't know what to do?
What if it just never gets better?
What if it's never through?

What if the pain is too much?
What if these tears always fall?
What if I decide tonight?
That I can't handle it all?

What if as I sit here alone?
Listening to what people say?
What if I think it'd be better?
To make it all go away?

When you say you love me,
What if it's a lie?
What if I make a choice,
To give up and no longer try?

What if I can't make it through the night?
What if it's too hard to try?
What if I sit here alone?
And write letters that say good-bye?

What if you stop loving me??
It'll only prove me right
And give me one more reason
To give up the fight

What if I can't stop wanting this?
What if it's all I think about?
What if I can't let it go?
I can't get rid of the doubt?

What if I died tonight?
Would anyone even care?
What if I decide right now?
That I no longer dare?

War

There are bombs
Going off all around
Explosions and shots
Are the only sounds

There is a battle being fought
And the winner receives peace
Only when it's over
Will the fighting cease

The winners will live
The losers will die
The winners will party
The losers will cry

Everyone suffers
So much dying and pain
All for something
They hope to gain

So much anger
So much rage
What happens next?
Lets turn the page

This war is raging
In my heart
No one is winning
I'm just falling apart

Sticks and Stones

Memory Flashback-

a long time ago
little girls jumping rope
children's laughter and giggles
boys appear, making us mope..
water balloons explode
all around
"gross! girls have cooties!"
the chant does sound
but we are quick
to reply
wet and cocky
with smiles so sly....

"sticks and stones may break our bones, but your words will never hurt us!!"

Reality Check-

a young woman
in front of a mirror
staring so blankly
down her cheek runs a tear
his words repeat in her mind
chanting loud and strong
"you worthless slut, you stupid bitch.."
her mind starts to go along..
she presses the blade, into her arm
and revises the silly old song

"sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words are what will kill me.."

Roses Are Red

roses are red
so is the blood
that runs down my arm
just like a flood

violets are blue
just like the bruise
that looks like it hurts
but really it soothes

sugar is sweet
but causes decay
everything good
slowly wastes away

i am the blood
i made the bruise
i'll waste away
and let myself lose

Rachael (6)

Rachael- "Hey, Katie, what are those marks?"
Me- "Oh, I was playing with a cat that scratched me...."
Rachael- "Again?!?"
Me- "yeah" (shit.. when did i use that one on her?) "well, no- it's the same one, they haven't gone away yet."

She's too young to know
She's just 6 today
What am I supposed to tell her?
What do you think I should say?

She wouldn't understand
I wouldn't know where to start
But if she knew that I'd done it myself??
Oh, God.. Bless her poor little heart..

She's very mature for her age
But still she cannot know
Adults live in a different world
And she's still got much further to grow

Before I'd consider telling the truth
Of my terrible, horrible past
I'd have to know she'd be ok
That she would accept it and move passed

See, Grown-ups don't live in the same world
That children often do
Their realities are shifted
And their perceptions of them too

Children are so innocent
So uncorrupted, and naive
Growing up shows us tragic realities
That shape who we'll turn out to be

The world around us starts to crumble
We see crime and pain galore
And as we turn one more year older
Our hearts drop and hit the floor

Our softness starts to harden
We begin to turn to stone
And we finally see the reality
That we're in this thing alone

Although she may be well intentioned
Mommy can't protect us forever
And no matter how badly he wants to
Daddy can't make everything better

We first experience heart break
And lots of other shit
And for the first time in our lives
Hugs and kisses don't fix it

Things start going wrong
And we try to hide
And suddenly start looking
For a solution- suicide

NO!!!!

No!!
I do not have behavioural issues
I am simply distracted
And rightfully so

No!!
I do not have emotional instabilities
I just handle things differently
Because of how things have been dealt with in my past

No!!
I do not suffer from mental illness
I have only reacted this way
Because of certain experiences that I have been through

No!!
I do not have psychological difficulties
It's only a matter of knowing
Knowing things I haven't yet learned

No! No! No!!
I do not have brain disfunctions
Or psychiatric problems
Or neurological handicaps
I am none of these things!!
I am just a scared, and confused 4 year old child
Trapped in the body of an 18 year old young woman

Please don't expect too much from me
I appear to be 14 years ahead of my time
But I am too young to understand

Be patient while the little girl learns to deal with her fears, and frustrations
Maybe then the young woman can too

My Wall

I built a wall, around my heart
Because I wanted to hide
My secret doubts and fears
I kept all tucked inside

But keeping the bad things from getting out
Wasn't the way to win
For my wall, it worked both ways
And the good things couldn't get in

I'm trying hard to knock it down
I want to let you near
But I worked so hard to build my wall
I'm stuck inside, I fear

Somewhere there lies a flaw
An imperfection in the stack
That's the key to getting out
From a flaw I can cause a crack

And each crack I can create
In my tall, strong wall
Will very slowly weaken the stack
Till a stone begins to fall

Over time each stone I laid
Will tumble down below
And my heart will be set free
The real me, can then show

I know it will be hard
I have lots of work to do
But I won't give up, I'll keep on trying
Until I can break through

My Mask

i wear a mask
you cannot see
concealing all
inside of me

i cannot love
i cannot feel
i cannot hate
i cannot heal

my mask, it shields
all thats in sight
they all back down
without a fight

its been an easy
way to hide
to bury everything
inside

but all you have to do
is peek
into my game
of hide and seek

just look real deep
and you will see
the one and only
real true me

Let Me Be

i burned myself today
to make sure i could feel
to remind myself through pain
that truly, i am real

i cut myself last night
and watched the blood drip down
the crimson tears fell from my arms
and ruined the perfect ground

i took some pills the other day
because i didn't want to live
i'm ready to be taken
i've nothing left to give

i'm crying at the moment
but these tears are not for me
these tears are for the voices
who will not let me be

Kiss Of Death

i'm in between 2 worlds
with a tough decision to make
should i choose to go on living?
or just die, for goodness sake?

i know the choice that i "should" make
the one that's the "right thing to do"
people think i should "choose life"
but, if only those people knew

if they knew how much it hurts
for me to go on this way
they wouldn't think of asking me
to stay another day

if they knew how much pain i felt
every minute i'm alive
i know they'd never dream
of me even trying to survive

i just know, if they understood
they wouldn't expect me to go on like this
they would support me in my decision
to surrender to death's kiss

Jesus

Jesus, please help me
I need you tonight
Jesus, please restore my strength
And help me win this fight

Jesus, take away
This wrong, unthinkable urge
And Jesus, next time i eat a meal
Don't let me run and purge

Jesus, why do I hurt so bad?
With every th ing I do?
Jesus, I need you to heal me
Jesus, I'm counting on you!!

Oh, Lord, Jesus, I hurt so bad
With every single breath
Jesus, the blood pouring down my arms
Is going to lead me to death

When I breathe in, it burns me
Like a newly lit fire inside
And each tear shed, feels like a brand new wound
That opens each time I cry

Jesus, I need you to heal this pain
I need you to pull me through
Jesus, you're my only hope
Without you, I don't know what I'd do

In The Hospital

i'm going home tonight
they're sending me away
though i don't think i'm ready
i think i need to stay

this is the one place i can be myself
the one place i fit in
the one place that i'm not a freak
where cutting's not a sin

in here there are so many scars
and for once they're not all mine
our souls are reflected from the inside out
showing different shapes and designs

shapes we've cut with razors
designs we've burnt with smokes
but no matter how many i've got
i still fit in with other folks

yesterday Donna brought me a housecoat
and asked me to put it on
my scars were making others uncomfortable
they'll feel better when i'm gone

so i guess that i was wrong
i don't fit in anywhere
not even here in the psych ward
can i let my arms go bare

Good Enough For Me

My thoughts are drifting
Every truth remains a scar
This is what my life is like
It's dark, without a star

She knows of every weakness
How I crumble in fear
Look at what it's come to
It all must end from here

One day I'll be good enough
One day you will see
I'm on the verge of becoming
Someone new that isn't me

One day I'll be happy
You'll see the sparkle in my eyes
One day the tears will stop
And I won't want to die

I've thought a lot about death
Planned out each and every way
The stars show less each night
I know I have very few days

I hide from the power of knowing
I can't let her feel all my fears
I quickly put on a smile
To hide the oncoming tears

Tonight it is so dark
Not even the light of a star
The truth has been revealed
They all can see my scars

One day soon I'll be good enough
And then you all will see
But right now I'm just trying
To be good enough for me

Forever's A Lie

Crying
Lying
Everything's wrong
Seeming
Dreaming
My life is all gone
Slashing
Hacking
No one understands
Bleeding
Burning
From my own hands
Pouting
Doubting
The people I should trust
Showing
Knowing
This pain is a must
Sweating
Fretting
Memories to face
Inquiring
Desiring
Wanting my space
Misleading
Deceiving
The way that things are
Swishing
Wishing
On a falling star
Yelling
Telling
My unheard cries
Existing
Insisting
Forever's a lie

Do You Care??

Do you care that I'm scared?
Do you care that I'm lost?
Do you care that I've been sold?
And purchased, for a cost?

Do you care that I'm lonely?
Do you care that I cry?
Do you care that it hurts so much,
I sometimes want to die??

Would you care if I gave up?
If I ran out of strength to fight?
Would you care if I lost hope?
And quit my life tonight?

Do you care that I'm broken?
I'm damaged beyond repair?
Do you care enough to fix me?
Does ANYONE out there care?

Do you care enough to return my calls?
Do you care enough to write?
Do you care enough to help me?
Do you care enough to fight?

Do you care enough to listen?
To really hear what I have to say?
Do you care enough to try and help
Make my problems go away??

Do you care that I'm losing the battle?
Do you care that I'm too weak to try?
Do you care that someday I'll be gone??
I'll disappear into the lie....

Do you care that I throw up?
Half the food that I actually eat?
Do you know that I ENJOY the blood?
Dripping in puddles at my feet?

Do you care that I'm so self-destructive?
Do you care that I can't stop?
Do you care that I'm so full of nothing??
I feel like I'm going to pop!!

DOES ANYONE CARE AT ALL??
Do you know why my favourite colour's red?
Would it matter to anybody out there
If tomorrow I was found dead?

Do you care that I feel so hopeless?
Do you care that I feel so sad?
Do you care that my body is empty?
Do you care that I get so mad?

Do you care that I get so frustrated?
I'm torn apart inside..
Do you care that I can't take anymore?
I no longer want to hide!!

Do you care that I feel so unloved?
Even when you say "I love you"?
Do you care that I hate myself so much
That I can't believe it's true??

Do you care that I just can't find comfort?
Do you care that I feel so alone?
Do you care that I'm fully rejected?
Do you care that my heart is a stone?

Do you care how much it hurts?
Do you care that I want to be free?
Do you care how long it lasts?
Does anyone care about me???

Counting..

One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four
Opening up to blood and gore
Five cuts, six cuts, seven cuts, eight
A beautiful masterpiece, I can create

One slash, two slash, three slash, four
I shouldn't do this anymore
Five slash, six slash, seven slash, eight
But this feeling, I love to hate

Fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine
Look at all the pretty lines
Sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty four
The blood is really starting to pour

One pill, two pills, three pills, four
It's not enough, I'll need some more
Eighty-five, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight
Will that do it? I contemplate..

Eight drops, seven drops, six drops, five
Soon I'll no longer be alive
Four drops, three drops, two drops, one
Mission accomplished, I'm nearly done

Eight breaths, seven breaths, six breaths, five
I'm positive now, I will not survive
Four breaths, three breaths, tw o br e a . . . .

Control

I'm trying to run
But you're pushing rewind
I just want to hide
Somewhere you'll never find

I start to climb up
But you pull me back down
Though my heart wants to smile
You're making me frown

I'm stupid, so sue me
It just isn't fair
You're ruining my life
And you don't even care

I just want to cheerlead
Forever and more
All the math that I need
Is to count up the score

I don't need to go to school
I don't wanna learn
Any notes I've ever taken
I just wanna burn

I hate Mr. Allan
And he hates me too
We just don't get along
There's nothing you can do

You can threaten all you want
And yell until I cry
But the more you take away
The more I wanna die

My life is cheerleading
So once that is gone
I'll have nothing to live for
- no will to go on

So push all you want
But you'll never succeed
Control of my life
Is the one thing I need

Don't try to take over
Cause you'll never win
I don't know how to lose
I'll never give in

Bulimia

You see the signs
They're not hard to find
But I don't care
I close my mind

You know what I do
Behind the closed door
You know all too well
You've done it before

I'm so exhausted
My whole body is sore
I lie down and cry
Alone on the floor

I hate my looks
I hate my weight
I have to get rid
Of what I just ate

My fingers are scarred
My throat is raw
My mouth is so tired
My poor aching jaw

I'm so weak in my limbs
I might have to crawl
I'm afraid to get up
I think I might fall

You try so hard
But you just can't see
What it will take
To get through to me

I'm looking away
But your eyes stare at me
Into my eyes
Dark, hollow, empty..

But I'm not done
It isn't enough
I'll stick it out
I can be tough

Why is it so addictive?
I seem to know it's wrong
But the fear's just not there
It hasn't been for so long

I lie still and cry
I just don't see why
I can't seem to die
My life is a lie

Because Of You

**this is dedicated to brian dell -- brian, if you're reading this- you know what you did**

Because of you
I can't seem to sleep
Because of you
I break down and weep

Because of you
I take pills to keep me sane
Because of you
All I know is pain

Because of you
I don't trust myself or anyone
Because of you
And what you've done

Because of what you did
I try to cut you out of me
Because of you
I watch my blood run free

Because of you
My smile is fake
Because of you
I want to drown in the lake

Because of you
I had to grow up too fast
Because of you
My childhood didn't last

First I couldn't remember
And now I can't forget
I said over and over
"Please, wait.. Not yet"

Because of you
I cut myself with a blade
Because of you
I'll always be afraid

"My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with."

A Glimmer Of Light

I go to my secret hiding place
Upstairs in my room
I take out the shiny, razor blades
Prepared to meet my doom

I know all of the rules
I know which way to make the cut
To keep the lights turned off
Or else keep my eyes tightly shut

So I can't see the beautiful crimson
That gorgeous ruby red flood
I might second guess my decision
If I looked at all that blood

But, maybe I won't do it that way
Maybe I'll take a lot of pills
Then I'll lie down and wait
Till my vitals all stand still

Or, maybe I'll buy a gun
And point it at my heart
One pull of the trigger
And from this life I will depart

No, I'll find a rope instead
Cause I can get a rope for free
Then I'll take it into the woods
And hang myself from a tree

No, that's it- I've made my decision
I'm gonna jump from way up high
I'll dive and land head first
And surely I will die

If you'll excuse me- I must go now
I've got a note to write
Saying Good-bye to those I love
That I'm sorry I quit the fight

I really must be on my way
The glimmer is in sight
It's at the end of a long, dark road
I can see a beautiful, bright, shining light

Rachael Lois Nolan

**my glimmer**

She's only 5 years old
She doesn't know about me
She doesn't know how I am
It's still too much for her, you see

She's only 5 years old
And she'll be 6 in the blink of an eye
But that's still too young to know
I'll always have to lie

Soon she'll be seven
And then she'll be eight
But I still won't tell
She's got much longer to wait

"What happened to your arms?"
"Katie, what are all those marks?"
"Take off your sweatshirt if you're hot!"
"Katie, I want to go to the park!"

"I saw you remembered your swim suit,
Can we go swimming today?"
"Katie, please?? It's perfect!
It's too hot outside to play!"

But there's always a reason
There will always be a lie
She's not old enough to understand
What I do and why

What would they even tell her?
If I did commit suicide?
What can you possibly tell a child,
As to why her cousin chose to die?

So, she will be my glimmer
I'll do it for Rachael
I'll be good enough for her
I could never leave my angel

She doesn't need to know the truth
Not for many more years
For now she just needs me to love her
And help her dry her tears

I'll always be there for her
We'll talk about everything
No matter how many scars are hidden
Bedtime songs I will still sing

I'll live for Rachael and Andrew
I'll do my best for those kids
And someday I will die
But it won't be from something I did

People At The Hospital

Laura talks to people
that no one else can hear
she listens to what they tell her
and she lives in constant fear

then there are Emily and Caitlin
both of them are so thin
Emily doesn't eat anything
Caitlin throws up what goes in

Holden is the youngest
he's a very troubled boy
he stabs himself with needles
says they're his favourite toy

Caroline and Fiona
both are really sad
they cut and burn their skin
and always act so mad

Hilda's really old
her husband Arthur is here too
but whether they're sick or just really old
none of us ever knew

Trista is a deaf girl
she feels lonely and left out
she's always throwing fits
she'll kick and scream, and shout

Tom is an old nurse
he has short, white hair
he gives out the meds
and tries to make things fair

Saundra is my favourite
i know she actually tries
she is real nice and pretty
she comforts me when i cry

Marnie the dietician
tries to teach us how to eat
but she's not around too often
and it's really easy to cheat

Dr. Brown and Dr. Catona
are always trying to make me well
but i'm not gonna get any better
of this i can surely tell

others come in and out
but none of them stay long
it's when they keep you forever
that you know something's really wrong

there's so many of us here
so different but all the same
everyone with their own problems
but getting out is always our aim

all locked in the same hospital
labelled similarly insane
all of us trying so hard to escape
not just the place, but the pain

One Question

i looked at the clock when i woke up
it read 10:52
i knew i should get out of bed
and find something productive to do

but, something just wouldn't allow it
it held me down, lying in bed
it wouldn't let me move a muscle
not even lift up my head

i was debating a really tough question
and i couldn't tell wrong from right
i just knew i had to find the answer
of whether to give up this fight

a nurse, she brought me some pills
in a little plastic cup
i dumped them all in my mouth
and with water i swallowed them up

those ones were just for the morning
anti-depressants to keep me sane
to try and help me keep smiling
not just in the sun, but the rain

the pills are supposed to help this decision
they're supposed to guide me to the right choice
but i'm still just utterly me
listening to that cold, dark voice

in the afternoon, it was a different nurse
with that same little plastic cup
once more i tossed in the pills
and used water to swallow them up

the afternoon brings anti-anxiety meds
and anti-psychotics too
they make me real sleepy so i doze off again
leaving the question till further ado

i wake up a few hours later
and i can almost get up this time
but before i step down, i hear the nurse
as up the stairs she does climb

this time she's got more of the same
got to make me real tired, right?
i swallow them down willingly
so this time i'll sleep through the night

that question though.. what was it?
i had to answer it today....
i needed to take some action
i cannot go on this way

but, i just don't have the energy
so i sit alone and sigh
one question, took my all today
whether to live or die

Nature Felt My Pain

the wind blew hard and rough today
the trees could barely stand
flowers were pulled from their roots
by the wind that rushed the land

the sun chose not to rise today
the world was dark and black
it was also rather cold
the warmth we sure did lack

the waves were rough at sea today
the ships, they lost their way
they left from the calm harbour
but drifted off astray

there was a sudden earthquake
the earth, it broke apart
each and every crack that formed
was imprinted on my heart

today was so cold and windy
that everyone ran inside
even animals, used to rough winters
ran to their homes to hide

all of nature fell apart today
it was a great big mess
i have gone numb, and no longer feel
so, the world took on my stress

and now people watch in horror
at the destruction of the land
and they wonder how i kept it inside
when i was the one dealt this hand

i cry as i explain, "i tried so hard"
"i didn't want you to see"
i didn't want the world to feel this pain
so i kept it inside of me

but, now it's been let out
and now the whole world knows
that if something's not done with our broken hearts
the world will suffer all of our woes

No Fear

i do not fear a gunshot

for i'm in love with blood

i have no fear of drowning

i'm always in a flood

i do not fear being hung

there's no breath in my lungs

i do not fear an overdose

it's already been done

i do not fear the fall

the best is yet to come

i do not fear the pain

for my body is numb

i do not fear the knife

nothings left to be bled

i no longer fear this life

for i'm already dead

Another Suicide

Another blood stained towel

Another cut to hide away

Another drop of blood

Another lie for her to say

Another puffy blister

Made with another cigarette

Another burn to cover up
So no one sees just yet

Another slip up of her sleeve

Another phone call home

Another psych ward for this child

Another long, dark night alone

Another day, Another doctor

Another God-damned diagnosis

Another label for her pain

Another name for her psychosis

Another second of madness

Another minute in pain

Another hour of emptiness

Another day- insane

Another sleepless night

Lying awake in fear

Another day, too tired
To hide the oncoming tears

Another "disease", Another "cure"

Another prescription to go fill

Another visit to the pharmacy

Another psychotropic pill

Another sickened soul

Another cut was how she died

Another funeral to plan

Another suicide

Somewhere In Between

i'm breathing on my own

they say i'm not quite dead

though i haven't yet let go

i'm hanging by a thread

they say i'm not quite dead

but my pulse is getting weak

my life is playing games

games of hide and seek

i'm not quite dead they say

but i'm getting pretty close

they say i don't have much time left

2 hours at the most

i'm not quite dead they say

but my stats have dropped real low

i'm in cardiac arrest

there isn't long to go

i seem to still be trying

though my vitals took a dive

they say i'm not quite dead

but i'm also not alive

FUCK UP

yeah, i fucked it up

so? what else is new?

i fuck up everything i try

fucking up is what i do

everyone was praying

asking God to help somehow

but i still fucked up, i still got kicked out

even God doesn't want me now

He doesn't want me to be happy

He doesn't care that i cry

He doesn't want me to get through this

He won't care when i die

You might think that's extreme

that i should still hang on

but i've been holding on for much too long

i just can't be that strong

i've been digging and digging a hole

it just gets more and more deep

finally they've covered the top

and left me in here to weep

but weeping, i won't do

i won't let them be satisfied

i'll sit by myself in that deep dark hole

till i've wasted away and died

maybe then they'll be happy

that they sent me home

that they pointed me to suicide

and caused me to write this poem

i hope that makes them happy

i hope from this they learn

that when you're not helped up to heaven

you're left in hell to burn

Behind A Smile

behind a happy smile

i hide the real true me

concealed deep down inside

where no one else can see

behind an actors smile

i play the part real well

though i'm really broken and dying

no one could ever tell

behind a naughty smile

i pretend to be real bad

so no one can see the truth

that i'm just so constantly sad

behind a cheerful smile

i act like i'm the best

i put on a fancy show

so i can pass their test

behind a flirty smile

i dance around for boys

i make them think i'm happy

and they use me as their toys

behind a timid smile

i glance at you to see

if you've fallen for my show

or if you see the real me

Together Again

I know that I can do this
God will pull me through
When I reach up, He'll reach down
And I'll become brand new

God will change me somehow
He'll give me a brand new start
He'll work miracles from the inside out
He'll start by mending my heart

He'll fix everything that's broken
Starting with my tightly clenched fists
He'll work His way through the problems
He'll sew up the wounds on my wrists

I know He'll make everything better
I just have to wait for when
But in His own timing, He'll make it right
He'll put me back together again

S.A.F.E.

i'm gonna get better

i'm gonna be well

no longer will i feel

like i'm living in hell

i won't want to hurt

i won't want to cry

in a few more weeks

i won't want to die

i'm learning to do it

learning how to live

i'm starting to see

i've got so much to give

i'll go home after SAFE

and everyone will see

this road i'm on thats leading

to a new and better me

** published in "Beyond The Razor's Edge"**

The Will To Get Well

it used to be

that i wanted to hurt

i thought i deserved it

i felt i was dirt

i used to take pleasure

in cutting my own skin

in using something sharp

in digging it right in

but it came to my attention

it occured to me one day

that i had to stop this action

i couldn't go on this way

i was hurting those around me

they were beginning to see

but what was most important

was i was also hurting me

so i began to look around

for something to help me learn

something that could teach me

not to cut and burn

i began to finally see

that this was no way to live

that i'd have to fix myself

before i'd have anything to give

so i've looked real deep inside

and as people now can tell

i've found something really special

it's the will to get well

Mercy Ministries

finish the program?

no! of course not!!

that's too much for me

that's asking a lot

that's not the way things work for me

there's not gonna be an end

i can't make it that far through

i'm never going to mend

i'm never going to feel content

these eyes will always cry

i'll never feel that sense of peace

i'll always want to die

forever and always i'll wait

for something that's not there

for something that'll never come

it all seems so unfair

all i want's a reason

a purpose for all this pain

something that makes it all worthwhile

like the sunshine after the rain

but i don't think anything's there

i don't believe it'll ever come

so i'm left without a hope

a pile of pills and a micky of rhum

Falling To The Ground

i stand on the roof
looking down at the ground
staring at the pavement
trying to imagine the sound

there are so many thoughts
running through my mind
but soon it won’t matter
it’ll all be left behind

i pen a quick note
to leave at the top
telling mom and dad
why i had to take the drop

then i climb over the side
and take one last big breath
before i leap off of the wall
prepared to meet my death

count down from 20
that’s how long the fall should take
19 more seconds
till elsewhere i’ll wake

i’m at number 18
please take me away
17 more seconds
left of this day

at 16 i think
of the party we threw
when i turned that sweet age
that’s when i met you

i’ve hit 15
but now i don’t know
if i should have chosen
this time and way to go

14 comes so fast
i can’t make myself slow down
faster and faster
i’m falling to the ground

13 and 12 go by
and now 11, 10
who’s gonna find me?
and, i wonder, when??

9, 8, 7, 6
numbers scream from my mind
i don’t wanna die anymore!!
please, let me rewind!!

5, 4, 3, 2
that’s it- no more- i’m done
and my body hits the ground
as God counts the final 1

**dedicated to Lilly Xhediku**

Gymnastics

broken promises, forgotten dreams
you're never good enough it seems

you must stay in control
must be perfect to win
no matter what it takes-
you must be thin

always do your best
but still you must do more
cause your best will never get you
the very highest score

you're only in it for fun
so what's going on?
it's frustration and torture
the fun is long gone

my goals are getting further
and further out of sight
it's not supposed to be this way
this just isn't right

hang in there, push harder
you've got to be strong
drugs will ease the pain
and you'll slowly move along

but slows not good enough
everything must be fast
if you keep it up at this rate
you'll come in dead last

point your toes, and stay tight
legs together- that's not right!!
if you really want to do it,
then just go- you have to prove it!

no more! i can't take it
i'm too stressed to even try
if i do it i'll fall down
i don't know how to fly

you know that i trust you
you shouldn't need to ask
there's just some things better left unsaid
that i hide behind a mask

often it doesn't work
and you can see right through
but this time i can't tell
i don't know what to do

abandoned promises, and shattered dreams
a gymnast must be perfect to have any self-esteem

maybe..

maybe i want you to see
maybe i want you to see what happens
when there's too much to deal with
and i can't handle it all anymore

maybe i want you to see
but not get all worried
the way people tend to react
when they first find out what i do

maybe i want you to see
but not try to be a hero
by telling parents, and teachers, and doctors
cause they don't really understand anyway

maybe i want you to see
but i don't want you to change
to suddenly be more careful
cause you don't want to set me off or something

maybe i want you to see
but i don't want you to try and stop me
because it's easier to just let things be

because cutting is all i have
why would you want to take that away??

Does Anyone Know??

does anyone know what's wrong with my heart?
does anyone know why it's all torn apart?
does anyone know why I'm feeling so sad?
does anyone know how to make me feel glad?

does anyone know why this happened to me?
does anyone know how to set my soul free?
does anyone know why i didn't just die?
does anyone know why i lie here and cry?

does anyone know why i just feel so mad?
does anyone know why it's all just so bad?
does anyone know how to find the old me?
does anyone know, or can anyone see?

does anyone know how it's shattered my heart?
does anyone know it's still coming apart?
does anyone know or can anyone tell?
where i should have been headed when i tripped and fell?

does anyone know or does anyone care?
why i have to be here instead of out there?
does anyone know that I'd pay any fee?
to just be set loose and find the real me?

letter to the vice principal

mr. ruff,

never tell me what to do
- i don't take orders
i'm always in control
- don't try to overpower me
i'll do whatever i want
- don't tell me I'm not allowed
i'll never quit cheering
- so just let me be

i'll always hate school
- you can't make me like it
i'll never respect you
- i won't change my mind
i don't need your opinion
- don't force it upon me
stop pushing me forwards
- let me fall behind

you know i won't listen
- why waste your breath talking?
i didn't read your letter
- don't write me a book
i can choose to ignore you
- you can't make me hear you
you could paint the perfect future
- i'd never even look

kick me off the team
- i just won't come to school
do whatever you want
- I'll never cry
try to stop me from cheerleading
- you don't deserve the satisfaction
you'd be guilty of murder
- I'd just choose to die

Sometimes

sometimes
i get lonely
even though you may be right there
i still feel alone

sometimes
i feel hopeless
like all my problems
are permanent
and will never go away

sometimes
i am just so sad
i want to put a gun to my head
and pull the trigger

sometimes
i feel very upset
i want to pull a bag over my head
and tie it around my neck

sometimes
i am frustrated
i want to take a sharp object
and slice my wrist
sometimes i do

sometimes
i am so angry
i want to take a knife
and stab it
right through my heart

sometimes
when i don't feel loved
i want to take a rope
and hang myself from my fan

sometimes
when it hurts too much
i want to take all the medecine in the house
and swallow it
and wait
for all the pain to go away

sometimes
when i am alone
i try these escape routes
but i never complete them

sometimes
i'm scared
that i will complete them
and no one will care

suicide

You don’t understand me
Even though you’ve tried
I thought that you might
And I let you inside
Why couldn’t you see?
Why didn’t you know?
How'd it all go away?
When I never let it go?

Would you tell me where I went wrong?
Cause I’m sorry!
Would you tell me how to fix it?
Cause I’m so sorry!!
Would you try to forgive me?
Cause I’m just so sorry!!!

Cause, I don’t want to keep screaming
When you can’t hear me anyway
Cause I don’t want to keep trying
When you don’t care anyway
Cause I don’t want to keep holding on
When you’ve already let go anyway

What would you do if I went away?
Because of you
Because of me
Because of everything
Because it’s all just too much
And I can’t take it anymore

Would you laugh?
Would you cry?
Would you come to my funeral?
Would you be sorry?
Would you care at all??
Cause it’s over
But I’m sorry

Drowning

Drowning
drowning in myself
in my own feelings
feelings of guilt
guilt and abandonment
feelings of shame
worthlessness, embarrassment, inadequacy....
feelings that are too much
too much for me to handle

drowning
drowning in the water
that i use to try and cleanse myself
to try and rid myself of the dirt
dirt that he put inside me
without my permission
or my consent

drowning
drowning in the tears
the tears, that just won't stop
they won't stop coming..
and drowning in the blood
blood thats pouring
from the self-inflicted wounds
the feeble attempts to..
to..
to..

i don't even know what
to feel
something
or, maybe not to feel
anything
i don't know
i just know im drowning

drowning
drowning in my anger
in this thick, inexplicable anger!!
what would i give to be wearing a life jacket right now?
to have someone toss me a flotation device?
anything- i think
everything- i know

help!
help me!
i am drowning!
someone, save me!
someone, please, come get me out!!

the price i will pay

I sit alone and clench my fist
i hold the blade against my wrist
i try to think back to the times when i didn't feel this way

i try to remember when things were all right
i played away daytime, and dreamt away night
but it feels like an eternity has passed since that day

i was so young, not knowing how dark it could be
never dreaming about what could happen to me
and never, ever imagining or believing what may

i can almost remember how once i felt safe and protected
way back before my world got infected
when everyone always knew the right words to say

i try to think back to when each day was long
the world was a playground and my life a song
but that innocent life seems so far away

so i return to my tightly clenched fist
to the present, my problems, the blade and my wrist
i return to games i never thought i would play

i can't seem to remember how great things could be
when i was naive, uncorrupted and free

so i press the blade into my soft skin
the blood starts to come as i watch it cut in

all the games that i played long ago seem so gay

i now live in a world where i torture and slay

and when something goes wrong, the price i will pay....

Too Busy

too busy wanting, i forget what i need
too busy cutting, i've forgotten to bleed
too busy rushing when i need to slow down
too busy faking smiles, though inside i frown

too busy acting like i own the world
too busy to notice i'm a scared little girl
too busy to notice i have an addiction
too busy dreaming to know it's all fiction

too busy pretending, creating the lies
too busy for love, out fucking the guys
too busy laughing though inside i cry
too busy with life, don't have time to die

"there are more people alive now than have ever lived- i read that somewhere and instantly thought it impossible. but, if it were to be true, i wonder, that if we keep on living this fast, no one will have time to die." -unknown

It's All Your Fault

** by kathrynn small & Jana Savoie

look into my eyes
see the pain?
it's your fault

listen to my voice
hear the pain?
it's your fault

lick my salty tears
taste the pain?
it's your fault

run your fingers over the scars
feel the pain?
it's your fault

inhale my burning flesh
smell the pain?
it's your fault

look down at my arms
see the pain?
it's your fault

can you see my self-inflicted attempts to drown out the hurt?
-pay attention

can you hear the fractured beat of my wounded heart?
-pay attention

can you feel the awful sting of the careless, hurtful words?
it's like pouring salt into a freshly opened gash

pay close attention

know the pain

it's entirely your fault

suicide letter to Mandy....

Lying here
Waiting
I know how it works
I take the pills slowly
One at a time, sipping the vodka in between
I am here to make a sacrifice
To sacrifice something that was never truly mine in the first place
-my soul

I grip the blade, solidly in my hand
Cause there’s always a plan B
Just in case
I know how that works, too
Make the slit vertically, not horizontally
Opening the vein lengthwise
Make sure the lights are off
So you can’t see the beautiful, rich, warm blood
As it flows from your wrists like a river
A river that I’ll eventually drown in
Once I’ve passed out from the pills, and the drink, and the blood loss

They say that suicide is selfish
But, if this makes me selfish
Me- who gave all my time and money to helping you and your son scrape by
- and never even asked a single thing in return (at least, nothing tangible)
if this makes me selfish
then…. What does that make you?

If you could have, would you have tried to stop it?
I doubt it
You never really loved me
You just didn’t want to have to explain another absence to him
Well, it’s too late now
Too late for explanations
Too late for help
Too late to be saved
I’m gone

You won’t ever have to worry about me anymore
You’ll never again have to pretend you care
I won’t be around to bother you
No more desperate, pleading emails or text messages
I’m not coming back

Tell Kyle I love him
I’ll be watching over him from above (or, below?)
Tell Kalam thanks
And I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold on any longer
Tell Kelly I said good-bye
And don’t worry, I’m ok now

I don’t want anyone to be upset
I don’t want any tears shed
This is what I wanted
I hope you can all forgive me

I have to stop writing now
It’s almost over, I can feel it
The river of tears, I once drowned myself in, has run dry….

a psychiatrist to her supervisor:

“Fear, pain, abuse, betrayal....
It’s the case of a little girl, whose innocence was shattered by molestation, forcing her to grow up at a very early age
She sank deep into a bottomless depression, she couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t stop crying....
It didn’t take her long to learn. To learn that no one likes the little girl who doesn’t smile, doesn’t laugh.. The girl who spends her recesses curled up in a corner, in the fetal position, unable to move, paralysed by her fear
So she became an actress, and began to pretend
But, it was still there, underneath all the smiles, and giggles that everyone fell for
Her level of trust has fallen below, even that of abnormal
His name was Brian
It’s the barely remembered scars of her past that have had the greatest, most lasting effects on this child’s behaviour and emotional stability
Causing insecurities about herself, and the inability to trust any men that come into her life.
Next was her cousin. She was 9 years old.
It’s become a pattern
Everyone who follows betrays and eventually abandons her
Family conflicts, wrong crowds, seeking attention in all the wrong places
Short lived relationships, both friendly and romantic, promiscuity....
She started to broaden to the workplace, both school and profession
A boy- she thought she could trust
Became a stalker
And then a massage therapist, massaging much more than she'd paid for, or expected.
More tears, and blood, and pain
All invoking dreams of failure and re-occurring memories of the unbearable past
With this, she seeks refuge in expressing herself artistically
Not with paint, on a canvas
But with blades, on her body
She is drowning in her own insecurities, in her own tears, and in her own blood
This, sir, is a case in need of immediate attention.”

This Is Hell

I’m remembering
I don’t know how
I don’t know why
But it’s coming back
Not everything
I don’t remember seeing my Grandpa
I don’t remember the castle
I don’t remember dancing with my mother
I don’t remember anything that I talked about
But there are broken, chopped fragments
Pictures
Feelings
I kind of popped out of the top of my head
And floated up to the ceiling
I could see everything
The machines
The doctors and nurses
And I could see my body
Lying there
Limp
Lifeless
Dead
I was dead
I wasn’t inside it anymore
And then I went away
I went somewhere....
I don’t really know where
But I was warm
And safe
And.... I was at peace
For the first time in 15??

No, The first time in 12 years

I wasn’t miserable
I didn’t feel like crying
I was content
There was no pain
No fear
I think I was in Heaven

Only I didn’t get to stay
I was torn away
Ripped out
Brought here
Where everything hurts again
And it’s all just so awful
I thought it was bad before
But that was nothing
Now everything is so dark
And cold
And hard
Hard, and dark, and cold?
Everything I think
Everything I feel
Everything I AM

This is Hell

“I live in Hell, cause I’ve been expelled from Heaven.”

in the corner..

Sitting in the corner,
Hugging my knees to my chest,
I cry

Crying in the corner,
Don’t think I can take it,
I scream

Screaming in the corner,
Everythings so messed,
I cut

Cutting in the corner,
Thinking I made a mistake,
I bleed

Bleeding in the corner,
I whisper “God, why?”
I fear

Afraid, in the corner,
My body starts to shake,
I tremble

Trembling in the corner,
Hugging my knees to my chest,
I don’t think I can take it,
Everything’s so messed,
Thinking I made a mistake,
I whisper “good-bye”,
My body starts to shake,
As slowly. . . . I die

what happened??

I look down at the picture
That I hold in my hand
Of a sweet little girl named Katie
Playing in the sand

Not a single worry passing through
Her open, care-free mind
Not even a thought
As to what her future might find

So innocent, I thought
Uncorrupted and naïve
She doesn’t know what comes next
She wouldn’t even believe....

What happened to poor Katie?
She’s lost her brightness and her glow
What happened to that beautiful girl?
That brought her down so low?

What happened to the sparkle
In those big blue eyes?
What happened to the passion
That seems to have withered and died?

What happened to her confidence?
Determination and self-esteem?
They all seemed to slip away
As she became a teen

What happened to the big bright smiles
The sparkles and the bows?
The pig tails and the stickers?
I don’t think she knows....

What happened to that little girl?
That made her turn so black?
What pushed young Katie over the edge?
But couldn’t pull her back?

What happened to that happy child?
When did it get so cold?
Somehow she’s become morbid, and sullen
When did that girl get so old?

Who was it that made her the victim?
Who was it that broke her heart?
Who was it that took her perfect world
And began to tear it apart?

Will she ever find that little girl?
Can she once again be glad?
Or is she stuck in this alternate reality
Forever depressed, and sad?

Will she forever feel this pain
This torturing, of her soul?
Or can someone, somewhere save her?
Can anyone make her whole?

I ponder these things, then I pick up a blade
And cut the picture in two
Then I turn that same blade, onto myself
And I shred my arms up too

I mourn for the little girl
That the world has lost
And I mourn for the young woman
Who still must pay the cost