Saturday, October 17, 2015

Goodbye letter to Self Injury


Dear SI,

I’ve known you for a really long time now- I think I was 14 when we first met, so we’ve pretty much grown up together.  It’s been a crazy relationship, a long relationship, but it’s over.  And it’s over for good this time, I won’t take you back again, so don’t come begging. 

John 10:10 says that “the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy”, and that is you- you are the thief.  You’re a thief and a liar.  You told me that you would help me, that you would make things better, but you didn’t, instead everything got worse.  You told me that you would take the pain away, but every time it came back it only brought more.  You told me that you’d help me cope with things, but you only gave me more to deal with.  You said you’d bring hope, and escape, and freedom, and that you were the only friend I’d ever need- but it was all a lie.  You promised me a bright, shiny future, but it gets darker and darker with every single thing you take away.  
You’ve taken everything I loved the most.  You scared away my best friends, who swore they’d be there forever, but they just couldn’t compete with you anymore.  You stole my love for gym and cheerleading- I used to love training, more than anything, but I began to dread it, because I would always be asked to take off my sweatshirts, remove the extra layers of clothing that were keeping you safe from people’s prying eyes.  You stole my education from me- before I met you, I had hardly ever gotten in trouble; I was a freaking golden child.  Now, thanks to you, I’ve completed extra assignments, I’ve sat through detentions and in-school suspensions, I’ve slept through the out-of-school suspensions, I’ve even been asked to leave, or “take a break”.  I’ve struggled to keep my place in certain programs, I’ve been fired from jobs, I’ve been dragged away, literally, what people mean when they say “she went kicking and screaming”.  I’ve been sent away to try and get rid of you, but you’ve managed to follow me wherever I’ve gone.  You’ve stolen my life savings, which has all been spent on stupid supplies from the pharmacy and new blades, or wasted on clothing and bedding and towels that you’ve ruined with ugly blood stains.  Not to mention the time you’ve stolen from me.  I cannot even begin to count how much time has been spent on cutting, and thinking about cutting, and cutting, and covering up cutting, and cutting, and dreaming about cutting, and more cutting….  Not to mention burning, and other forms of self-harm.  You’ve taken all the best parts of my life and replaced them with ugly scars. 

It’s going to be hard to be alone, we’ve been together for nearly 18 years now, but it’s time.  It’s time to move on.  I get that I am sick, and that’s what led me to you in the first place.  You were supposed to kill the depression, but you nearly killed me instead.  He’s just another liar, depression.  I know that now.  He wants me to believe that I’m worthless, but it’s not true.  I deserve more than this. 
Thanks for being there over the years, but this is the final good bye.  I don’t want to hear anymore lies- I need you out of my life. 

Please leave me alone now,
I don’t want to hear from you, ever again. 

Monday, April 01, 2013


I can still smell them
the alcohol on their breaths
the cigarettes they'd been smoking
there was one main guy
I wish I knew who it was
it's all a little hazy from the drugs
but I remember feelings
I remember feeling him
his dirty fingernails; his rough, calloused hands; all over places they shouldn't be
in my own bed, in my own room, of my own house- I should have been safe
my body wasn't the only thing raped that night
my sense of security was torn away from me as well
I denied it for so long....
now I'm resigned to admit the truth
that my first time was to a bunch of drunk idiots at a party
it was almost 13 years ago
and I still feel it
and taste it
and smell it
like it only happened moments ago
and I don't want to live anymore

Monday, July 16, 2012

coming back

it's been a long time
since i wanted it this bad
buti don't feel anything now
not even a little bit sad

i don't feel angry
i don't feel depressed
i should be happy it's gone
but this isn't my best

i don't feel joy either
the good feelings are all gone
no love or peace or hope
underneath they were there all along

and now i think there's one thing left
though it'll mean taking a fall
i think i'd rather feel the pain
than feel nothing at all

so self injury is coming back
i'll just hide it really well
and everyone will think i've gotten better
no one will ever tell


Where were you when I started falling?
Where were you when I hit the ground?
Where were you when it hurt so badly?
Where were you when you weren't around?
Where were you when the rain was falling?
Where were you when the thunder crashed?
Where were you when my world was storming?
Where were you when the lightning flashed?
Where were you when my tears were falling?
Where were you when they wouldn't stop?
Where were you when I screamed in silence?
Where were you when I wiped the drops?
Where were you when the blood was falling?
Where were you when I cut again?
Where were you when I burned myself daily?
Where?  Where were you then?
Will you be there when my body is falling?
Will you catch it before it hits the ground?
Will you softly lay me down below?
So my death won't make a sound?

Thursday, October 06, 2011


F is for failure
I always fail, I'll never win
U is for ugly
too fat, no longer thin
C is for crazy
not sane enough to fit
K is for kid
not grown up enough to commit

U is for ugly
I told you once before
P is for pissed off
I can't take it anymore

FUCK UP is what it spells
FUCK UP is what I see
FUCK UP is what I do
it's what I'll always be

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Done (for now)

The clock reads 2:11
The day's officially done
And though it was really hard
I think I may have finally won
It's not like it's easy now
Every day is hard
I still have to fight it
I can't let down my guard
But the memories on Valentines
They make me so upset
They make the suffering more real
And fill me with regret
But, I made it through the day
And I'll admit that I did cry
But I didn't cut, or burn, or smoke
And I never tried to die

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Can't

I don't think I can do this
The urge is gonna win
I'm just not strong enough
And I want to give in
I know that I shouldn't
I know I should fight
But it's all just too much
Especially tonight
There's too much heartache
Too much pain
And it hurts too much
To try and maintain
I just want to cut
See the blood running free
So I'll know my heart's beating
Inside of me
Or else burn myself
Let the blister rise
Then pop it and with it
All my anguish dies
Or if I could just smoke
It would at least reduce the need
Maybe long enough
For something else to intercede
But I can't cut
I can't burn
I can't smoke
I only yearn
So for now I'm stuck here
I can't even sleep
So I lie in my bed
And it hurts, and I weep

Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Eve (again....)

The clock says 10:31
The year's still twenty ten
An hour and 29 minutes
And what will happen then?
Everyone is counting down
To the start of a new year
They're all just so excited
But I'm just filled with fear
I don't know what's coming
I don't know what's next
But I can't imagine it's good
When I seem to be hexed
Will this year hold more pain?
More sorrow? More despair?
Will anything change my life?
Wake me from this nightmare?
Cause nothing ever changes
Everything still hurts
Nothing gets "all better"
Despite my best efforts
I wish I could just leave
This world so full of pain
But no matter what I try
I still seem to remain
So I'll fake a smile at midnight
And cheer the New Year in
But the delight will be a facade
I'll be silently screaming within

Wednesday, December 01, 2010


I'm not strong enough for this
It's simply, just too hard
I can't ever relax
There's no letting down my guard
Every class talks about something
That hits too close to home
I cry, dissociate & panic
And then write another poem
I'm too much like the clients
Or, rather, they're too much like me
If I have these problems myself,
How can I help them to see?
They'll see that I'm not normal
They'll see that I'm a mess
They'll see that I'm not stable
Everyone will start to guess
They'll make assumptions about what's wrong
And what I can & can't control
They'll assume with all my problems
There's no way I could be whole
And the assumptions will be right
I'm a broken little girl
I've been broken for so long
I'll always be this ugly knurl
I'm wrapped around this shattered identity
That's been mine for far too long
And now it's all I have
This feeling that I'm wrong
That's what everyone sees
Because it's what I know
I'll always be unstable
and it will always show


maybe i want you to see
maybe i want you to know
the things that i do
that i don't let show
maybe i wish people noticed
maybe i wish i could tell
but i'd be seen as "not normal"
i'd be considered unwell
maybe i want to get caught
maybe i want to be found out
so i don't have to whisper
so i can scream & shout
maybe i think it's normal
maybe i think that i'm still good
i don't think i should be set apart
or labeled misunderstood
maybe i want it in the open
maybe i don't want to hide
the way it feels to be me
and the way it shows outside
maybe i tried to tell you
maybe i even let it show
cause maybe i wanted your help
maybe i wanted you to know


Picture perfect memories
Scattered on the wall
Reminders of a perfect life
That wasn't real at all
Tokens of a time
when my life appeared so good
When I always did things right
Did them as I should
But that facade has fallen
And the sadness now shows through
It's no longer happiness and smiles
For me to show you
Depression has found it's way
Into that picture perfect life
And now that happy little girl
Daily picks up the knife
She cuts out all her worries
She burns out all their lies
She bleeds away the pain
Growing closer to her demise
One of these days her eyes will open
She'll be able to see
The little girl was never happy
This sadness is reality....

Stupid Doctor

He wasn't very gentle
Just cutting & scraping away
Like because I'm into SI
That makes hurting me ok
Well, I'll tell you- it's not!
It's not alright to cause me pain
Just because I hurt myself
Doesn't mean you can do the same
Cutting myself is one thing
It helps me not to feel so bad
But someone else, doing the same
Makes me burning hot MAD
Hurting myself is a problem I have
It's a habit, that's not good
And I don't want others to do it
Just cause they think they could
You shouldn't hurt anyone
Whether or not they care
And hurting me cause I'm sad
Simply isn't fair


I don't know if I can do this
It hits too close to home
They tell the whole class stories
And they're mine, and mine alone
I don't want everyone to know
I hide it for a reason
There's a time & place for things to come out
Now is not the setting or season
My life is no one's but my own
I'm in it, literally, all alone
My world is dead, and icy cold
No hands in reach for me to hold
No arms around to hold me tight
No one to tuck me in at night
No lips to whisper "I love you"
No one to tell me what to do
All that's here is lots of fear
And pain that falls with every tear
Each time I laugh, it hurts inside
And whenever I smile, I feel like I've lied
Maybe I should become a writer
Something where I don't need to be such a fighter
It's easier if I don't have to deal
With all of this shit that I think & feel

My Valentine

Valentines Day is almost here
It's rolling around again
Will this day always hurt like this?
Always be so full of pain?
I miss him so much
I just want him back
My heart is so heavy
And it's got a big crack
Why did he have to go?
And leave me all alone?
Now I can't even call him,
To hear his voice on the phone....
I just want to be with him
This day only makes it worse
I can't believe he's gone
It's some kind of fucked up curse
We should have been together
He was supposed to be mine
But he'll always be with me in spirit
My forever Valentine
Does he think that this is funny?
Some sort of twisted, fucked up joke?
Cause for a moment I freeze & my heart skips a beat
When I see that one word - "poke"
Or the way he writes my name
Spelt with an extra 'E'
Daniel knew it wasn't right
But it was like his nickname for me
I don't know who writes it now
But I don't like it anymore
It hurts now that I know he's gone
My heart is tired and sore
Why would someone do this?
Playing games with my head....
Isn't it enough?
Just hearing that he's dead??
So I pushed the 'block' button
Even though it hurt like hell
I said a silent good-bye prayer
As the tears all silently fell
I've nowhere to run
I've nowhere to hide
It's so hard to conceal
All that's inside
My life is a secret
From everyone but me
No one knows it all
Every piece to my story
And I will never tell
Cause it all just sounds so bad
I'm afraid no one will want me
If they know of this life I've had
Not that anyone wants me now
But somehow it's not the same
It'd be worse if they all knew
Of my past and where I came
And so I keep it hidden
Underneath my baggy clothes
And around the world turns..
.. on my life goes ....

Our Island

Up here on Claire Island
Surrounded by family
Our beautiful, secret hideaway
Passed down through the family tree
Our own private getaway
Here on Lac Des Illes
Such a spectacular place
Oh, so carefully concealed
The sparkling, blue lake water
The green of trees & grass
The call of the loons on the lake
The children's contagious laughs
No telephones or video games
Such peace & tranquility
It's just such a beautiful place
So, why doesn't it get through to me?
My heart remains cold & empty
With a past I can't simply erase
And I can't help but still feel sad
Even in the magic of this place
The gorgeous weather here
Cannot warm my frozen heaert
And with all these friends & family
I'll never have a brand new start
And so, I will go swimming
But in shorts & long sleeved shirts
And I'll stay here in 'paradise'
But it won't take away the hurts
At night the lights go out
I sit in darkness, having a smoke
Then press the tip into my soft flesh
Careful no one is awoke
Then I pull my sleeve back down
I hide it all away
My cookie cutter skin is out of sight
At least for another day


They say he's dead, but he's not gone
At least, he's not to me
He's just someone who lives far away
Someone I never see
Too many people care for him
He wouldn't commit suicide
All he needs to do is run to me
And in my arms, he can hide
I will provide his shelter
I won't let anyone see his face
I'll care for him & keep him safe
In my warm embrace
I'll protect him from life's storms
Together we can make it through
We'll deal with life, side by side
It's always easier with two
I swear, he isn't dead
Even though we are apart
He will never really go
He'll live on in my heart
Don't play the guilt card
I've had enough
You don't know how hard it is
To quit this kind of stuff
. .
I'm sick of people telling me
The effects this has on THEM
If I'm going to stop this
It's me who'll decide when
. .
You don't need to say a word
I can see it in your eyes
Each time my sleeve slips up
A little part of you dies
. .
You see, it's not just you
It's everyone I know
They can't stand what I do
And I can't bear to let it show
. .
That's why I wear long sleeves
And hide it all from sight
When no one sees what's wrong
I can pretend that I'm alright
. .
Someday I might get better
But it will be for me
Not because of others
And the things they think they see

Monday, September 20, 2010

St. Louis- #3

I'm so sick and tired
Of not being believed
They say coming here was my choice
But I feel I've been deceived
Here, when I speak,
It's all a lie
When I weep, I am told
"Just 'choose' not to cry"
I'm tired of everyone thinking
That I chose to be this way
No one wants to live like this
No matter what they say
I'm telling the truth
Why do they always question it?
All of this mistrust
Just makes me want to quit
I want to go home to my parents
At least they usually believe me
I won't be babysat
Or held under lock and key
Maybe I don't even need to go home
I really just want a way out
So I'll kill myself while I'm here
Death is one thing they can't doubt
For once you're dead, you're dead
No if's, and's, or but's
I'll finally be gone
My eyes forever shut

Getting Out of St. Louis

I miss my kids
I miss my home
Why must I be here?
So utterly alone....
I miss my Mom
I miss my Dad
How did I turn into this?
When did I get so bad?
I miss my school
I miss my job
I've broken down
I sob and sob
I miss real food
I miss my bed
Would anyone care
If I was found dead?
I miss my family
I miss my friends
But like all good things
It eventually ends
I miss my independence
I miss being in control
I want it all back
Getting out is my goal

Sunday, September 19, 2010

St. Louis- #2

I can't live like this
It's not working out
Nobody believes things
I tell them about
What's the point?
They don't believe what I say
How can I trust them?
Why should I stay?
Trust goes both ways
You don't get it for free
So why should I trust them,
When they don't trust me?
At home, at least
I'm believed when I speak
No one disagrees with me
Or turns the other cheek
I don't want to be here
I don't want to try
I want to give up
I just want to die

Leaving St. Louis

I'd made up my mind
I was going to stay
But they've made theirs up too
I'll be going away
Much liquid was spilled
Tears of salt and tears of blood
Now my future's so unclear
It's dark and thick like mud
Soon I'll be going home
But I still don't know when
I've lost another chance
I've fucked it up again
I'm sorry Mom and Dad
I know that you don't want me back
So I'll try and make it quick
I'll be out of your way like 'that'
No point in paying for the plane
The money's just a waste
When he's already calling me
Death's close enough to taste
Please, don't bring me back
Please, don't even try
The return would just be pointless
I'd be coming home to die

St. Louis- #1

It's getting so hard
It's much worse at night
I don't know if I can make it
If I have the strength to fight
I swore when I left home
"There's no coming back"
But now that I'm here
That certainty, I lack
I'm worn out and broken
All I do is cry
It's so hard just to be here
Let alone to try
I want to sleep in my own bed
And eat whatever I choose
To be free in the afternoon
If I want to take a snooze
I'm 25 years old
And being treated like a child
I like making my own choices
And sometimes acting wild
I can't do this anymore
I'm drowning in my tears
I don't know where I need to be
But I know that it's not here

I Never Even Took Off....

When I was a child
I had so many dreams
But as I've gotten older
They've all died, it seems
I wanted to be an actress
But I was too shy for the stage
I wanted to be a mother
But I wasn't the right age
I wanted to fight fires
But they were more fun to light
I wanted to be a bride
In a beautiful dress of white
I wanted to be a doctor
But that took too much school
I wanted to be a police woman
Enforcing every rule
I wanted to be a teacher
Helping children read and write
I wanted to be an artist
But all I knew was black and white
I wanted to be a paramedic
So I could help others in need
I wanted to be an author
Writing stories for people to read
I wanted to be a bad girl
But I wasn't very tough
I wanted to be a princess
But I wasn't pretty enough
I wanted to be a therapist
But I couldn't even fix me
I wanted to be an athlete
But then I had brain surgery
I wanted to be a singer
But I couldn't make the sound
I wanted to be an astronaut
But I never left the ground
"I wanted to be an astronaut. To fly so high, so far from this whole, wide world. But I didn't have to worry about a crash landing, because I never even took off."

Jesus Will Heal

I've been cut, I've been burned
I've been broken, bent and torn
I have hoped, I have prayed
I have wished I wasn't born
I've been hurt, I've been cracked
I've been tripped, and told, and tried
I have screamed, I have yelled
I have wept and cursed and cried
I have fallen to the floor
And been too weak to rise
I have crawled on hands and knees
Tears falling from my eyes
But things can get better
They can't get much worse
I'm able to get well
If God will lift this curse
I'll be able to walk in freedom
No more cuts, or burns, or tears
No more clawing at my heart
No more giving in to fears
Jesus Christ has saved me
With His pure and perfect blood
So, somehow my world will heal
And my life will become good

Friday, July 31, 2009

Mom's 50th

August sixteenth, two-thousand and nine.
To some, it’s just one more day.
One day, of one month,
Of a year slowly slipping away.
But, for me, today is special.
It’s the day we celebrate you!
The day you came into this world,
Tiny, and perfect, and new.
That was fifty years ago,
And some think fifty’s old.
But I know something that they don’t,
You’re just getting better, I’m told.
I believe it’s the truth.
For when your birthday rolls around,
You grow one year older,
And a year more profound.
You grow one year wiser,
And one year more sweet.
You’re one year more special,
A year more complete.
So, yes, you’re another year older.
You’ve had another year to strengthen,
You’ve grown one year better.
That much closer to perfection.
Today, so many are thankful,
For fifty years of you to adore!
And today, I am so grateful,
I love you one year more!
So, who cares what people say?
Fifty years is great!
Today I’m one year happier,
And we all get to celebrate!!

Monday, July 20, 2009

No Going Back

it's gone by so fast
what happened to those days?
what happened to the innocence?
the silly, carefree ways?
i was so young
unaware of how dark it could be
i was so blind
too naive to see
back when i was a child
the days were so long
the world was a playground
and my life a song
i was so uncorrupt
everything was all right
i played away daytime
and dreamed away night
the days all flew by
with barely a care
ignoring the future
and what waited there
i somehow grew up
things began to go wrong
i was too big for the playground
too old for the song
but now that i'm older
i can get into bars
i can go to the casino
and i can drive cars
my dolls are in the closet
with my other childhood toys
the barbies have changed
to lipstick, blush and boys
i wear my hair straight
no more ribbons or curls
i'll enjoy being a woman
but i'll always cherish the girl

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Not Me

I am not the girl who does these things
I’m not the one you see
This crazy, horrible nonsense
Has not been done by me
I don’t throw up the things I eat
I never skip a meal
I’m not someone who hurts herself
And I would never steal
I don’t have any secrets
I’ve no need to tell a lie
I’ve never attempted suicide
I’ve no reason to want to die
I’ve never been in the hospital
Or an ambulance or cop car
I’ve never lived in a group home
Nowhere near, or far
I’ve never been in restraints
I’ve never been sent away
Never been in treatment
Or had meds brought on a tray
I don’t need to take pills
I am already sane
I don’t need to go to therapy
I’ve got nothing to gain
I sleep soundly every night
No trouble there, it seems
I’ve never had a flashback
I never have bad dreams
I've never been abused
Physically or sexually
Nor emotional or mental
It's never happened to me
I’ve never dissociated
Never had a panic attack
I’m not this person people think I am
So please, just take a step back
This awful girl you're speaking of
This terrible person you see
You must be mistaking with someone else
Because, it's just not me

Please God....

If God can make me better
He can choose to make me well
Why won't He do it now?
I want out of this Hell
If He can see it all
He can see that I'm in pain
And He can choose to help
He can choose to make me sane
God hears everything
He hears me as I cry
He hears me as I scream
He knows I want to die
God's fingers feel my scars
His eyes can see the blood
He hears it hit the ground
Dark red & thick, like mud
So why has He not helped me?
Does He want me to live this way?
I just don't want to be like this
I can't stand it another day
So God, if you are reading
My prayer is that you'll try
To help me mend my broken heaert
And hold me as I cry

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Help Me

I can’t concentrate
I can’t sit still
I need to be calmed
Relaxed with a pill

I need something to help
I need someone to try
I need to be settled
And held while I cry

I’m trying so hard
But I can’t do it on my own
I need a friend to be there
Someone that I can phone

Someone who understands me
Someone who’s not afraid
Someone who will still be there
When all the others fade

They all fade into the background
It’s too much for them to stay
They cannot handle my pain
And they decide to go away

I need someone who’s willing
To help me learn to be
I need help learning how to live
And learning who is me

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


fear of the past
fear of the future
fear of the dark
or fear of failure

fear of God
fear of success
fear of the unknown
or fear of illness

fear of reactions
fear of pain
fear of the outcome
fear of change

fear of monsters
fear of insecurity
fear of knowledge
and responsibility

fear of lost control
fear of aging
fear of not being good enough
fear of losing

fear of consistancy
fear of ones enemies
fear of what you've seen
fear of consuming calories

fear of crime
fear of winning
fear of death
and fear of living

fear of blood
fear of fat
fear of what you feel
fear of mice and rats

fear of what you've heard
fear of eating
fear of yourself
or waking up tomorrow morning

what's the scariest thing in the whole world?


If One Day....

if one day
you should find me
lying on the floor
unconscious and not breathing
without a pulse or a heartbeat
- -
i'm sorry
- -
if one day
you should find me
lying in a puddle of my own blood
- -
i'm sorry
- -
if one day
you should find me
literally, at the end of my rope
- -
i'm sorry
- -
if one day
the police should come to the door
to tell you they've found my body
on the train tracks
or on the highway
or floating in the lake
and i'm gone
- -
i'm sorry
- -
if one day
you should find me
smiling and laughing
wearing short sleeves
or a bathing suit
and there aren't any scars
- -
please take a picture
- -
so that i can look at it and know
that dreams really can come true

Monday, May 21, 2007

Is It Enough??

Staring up at a starless sky
I sit alone and wonder why

Hearts are broken, people used
Lies are told, loved ones abused

Murders take place, so many die
What does God think, as He watches from the sky?

When disaster strikes, and people cry
Does Our Creator wonder why?

Does He regret giving us free will?
Or what went down on Calvary Hill?

His blood was shed, to bring mercy and grace
So one day we'll be worthy to meet Him face to face

His forgiveness is enough to keep us out of Hell
But is it enough to save us from ourselves?

Sick and Dying

Sitting here so lonely
In my English class
Here, in this empty fishbowl
Faces pressed against the glass

Staring down at me
Hoping I will do a trick
But I refuse to move
Stuck in the corner, sick

Sick of pretending to try
Sick of setting goals
Oh so sick of being sick
Of slipping through the holes

Wishing I was better
Wishing I was strong
Wishing I was different
Wishing that I could belong

Trying to be "normal"
Trying not to cry
Trying to stop bleeding
Trying not to die

Knowing it'll happen
In a day or two
Knowing oh so well
That dyings what I'll do

Razor Blades

Razor Blades
There are worse addictions

Razor blades aren't so bad
Rather than harm, they heal
They heal emotional pain

And rather than causing weakness, they provide strength
Making skin stronger, thicker
So it is that much harder for others to get in under it
To break it
To hurt it
To hurt you

Razor Blades are protection
Like guns or clothing or air bags
But not from physical danger
From emotional harm

They are freedom
Releasing you from your broken, hurting heart
Releasing you from your past
Releasing all pain
All anger
All sadness
Razor Blades....

Saturday, May 19, 2007

I Think I Get It....

*written a LONG time ago*
- - - - - -
I finally understand
what's wrong with me
i just don't want things back
how they used to be

when i had to be perfect
and still thought i could
when i did everything over
till it was done as it should

now they think I'm a bad ass
I'm a rebel and I'm rough
but i can't let myself weaken
i have to prove i can be tough

I'm scared of the way
things used to be
too much was expected
of one person, that was me

so now that i know
how to let them down
i start to expect it
i want them to frown

i know they'll be disappointed
i know they'll disagree
so all the A's i used to get
turn to B's, then C's, then D's

I'm falling so far
so hard and so fast
they hope this delinquent
phase won't last

but it keeps on going
cause the further i go
the less my perfect phase
continues to show

the D's turn to F's
and I'm kicked out of school
finally I'm not smart!
they realize I'm a fool!

finally they don't
expect me to be
perfect and flawless
I'm finally free

Why I Drank....

**not my own**
- - - - - -
I drank to be witty-
and I became a boor
I drank to be a good dancer-
and it made me stagger
I drank to be a good conversationalist-
and I couldn't pronounce my words
I drank to be sociable-
and I became angry and resentful
I drank to help my appetite-
and I cheated my body of nutrition by not eating right
I drank to be a good lover-
and I couldn't perform
I drank to be popular-
and I lost my friends
I drank to show I was grown-up-
and I became a slobbering, bawling baby
I drank for camaraderie-
and drove everyone away from me
I drank to relax-
and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking
I drank to feel good-
and I suffered through sickening hangovers

I drank to escape-
and I built a prison for myself
I drank to be happy-
and it made me depressed
I drank to enjoy life-
and I contemplated suicide
I drank to find peace-
and I found hell


I look in the mirror
and hate what i see
it's my own reflection
staring back at me

a vision, i see
much more than i should
a vision, i know
that's more harm than good

in the washroom, i see it
my reflection, in the bowl
swirling round and round
as the food goes down the hole

it shows up again
in a pool of blood
washing the pain
like water from a flood

the last time i see
the reflection of my frown
is in the water of the lake
as i stand and look down

i step into the vision
as i heave my final sigh
then i give up my breath
and let myself die

Friday, May 18, 2007

Death Between Death

Too cold to feel loved
too loved to feel alone
too alone to hold on
death between death

too much pain, she goes numb
too numb to feel dead
too dead to stay alive
death between death

too responsible to go
too desperate to stay
too realistic to wait any longer
death between death

Temporary Death

I won't forget it
it won't go away
the more i try not to
i think of that day

i was so open
so trusting and dumb
it was going alright
then my brain went all numb

you touched me in places
that you never should
and i didn't say a thing
didn't think that i could

though the trauma's now over
the scars still run deep
so i retreat to my room
and i cry till i sleep

-after hours and hours of awakened consciousness

-because that sense of being is what makes me so damn afraid

-my own temporary death

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

One day - you'll hear....

One day
you'll hear
about how they found me
hiding in the bathroom
with a kitchen knife
slashing at my wrists
screaming, hysterically
how much i wanted to die

-> and it will be ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
that I'm in the hospital again
not for attempted suicide this time
but for blood loss
there were too many
they were too deep
it was too much
i couldn't stop
i couldn't slow the blood
i couldn't cut out the pain

->and it was ALL your fault

one day
you'll hear
"the funeral's next Tuesday"
I'm dead
I've finally done it
I'm finally gone
and you'll never have to put up with me again
I'm dead and I'm never coming back
gone forever

->and it's ALL your fault

My Child,

Give me your hate
Give me your fear
Give me your worries
And they'll disappear

Give me your sadness
Give me your pain
Give me your storms
And I'll stop the rain

Give me your hurt
Give me your tears
I'll use my eraser
And wipe your slate clear

Give me the pieces
Of your broken heart
Give me your world
As it falls apart

Give me your problems
I'll bear them for you
Give me your life
Until it is through

Give me your future
Give me your soul
Give me the pieces
And I'll make you whole

Give me your love
I'll always love you
Give me your all
I gave mine for you