Don't Wanna Be Me

Will I ever be good enough?
Will I ever do it right?
Will I ever fit in?
Will I ever win this fight?

It's such a constant battle
All I want is to be free
I want to be somebody else
It's too hard being me

I wanna be someone
That people don't hate
Someone who's liked
Who boys wanna date

I wanna be someone
Who knows what to do
Who can be on her own
Who doesn't need you

I wanna be a girl
Who can just be real
Who doesn't have to fake
The things she thinks and feels

I wanna be able
To let down my guard
To just feel content
It shouldn't be so hard

I don't wanna be
The one that you see
When you glance this way
I don't want you to see me

once upon a time

once upon a fairytale
or maybe just upon a dream
i held onto something special
a shining, bright moonbeam

but as fairytales are likely to end
and dreams are likely to die
the grip loosened on my moonbeam
and it flew into the sky

i was up so high
when i fell down
so hard and so fast
down to the ground

as the saying goes
"there's nowhere left to fall"
once you've hit rock bottom
it can't get worse at all

but i soon found out
that the saying's not right
once you reach the ground
you dig for the light

looking up really is
the easy thing to do
but it's such a simple answer
it doesn't occur to you

once upon a dream
or maybe a nightmare
i held on so tightly
to something no longer there

kill me, stab me

my laughter, for this blood you'll trade
so kill me, stab me, with a blade

my death you want, instead of life
so kill me, stab me, with a knife

you hate how i am, so you treat me like dirt
just kill me, stab me, make it hurt

you think i'm an idiot, though i used to be smart
so kill me, stab me, right through the heart

kill me, stab me, make me bleed
murder me, please! i'll finally be freed!

Letter to the X

kevin,

i hate you
you're dirty, perverted and sick
and what did i suck?
cause you have no dick!!

that's a pretty vital organ
so i guess we didn't fuck
and we're never ever gonna
you're shit outta luck

go ahead and spread rumors
you know they aren't true
once everyone finds out
they'll never believe you

if you ever tell my secrets
i swear, you'll fucking die
then instead i'll throw a party
cause at funerals people cry

you're a cradle-snatching bastard
and you don't deserve to life
you can push all you want
i won't break, bend or give

when you threaten to say things
i just hate you more
i won't drop to my knees
or bow to the floor

you're an ass-hole and you know it
so just wait and see
once everyone finds out
they'll ALL believe me

Dear God, Love The Broken

Take my sadness
Take my shame
Take my storms
And stop the rain

Take my worries
Take my fears
Hold me close
And stop my tears

Take the hurt
Take the pain
Fix my head
Make me sane

Take the pieces
Of my broken heart
Take my world
As it falls apart

Take my body
Take my soul
Take all the parts
And make me whole

Take my future
Take my past
Give it back
And make it last

Take my life
Take my all
Pick me up
When I fall

Take my problems
Take all you see
Call me your child
And always love me

Friends Forever

** i wrote this poem for Carrie Tetley **
** if you're reading this, give me a call or something- i miss you!! **

"Friends forever" we promised

"Together till the end"

We did everything together

You were my best friend

Sure, we were young and foolish

To us life was just a game

But I always thought that as we grew

Our friendship would remain

I guess that was just another

Of my mistaken, childhood dreams

For as we grew, we grew apart

So far that we ripped the seams

The seams of a cherished friendship

That we worked so hard to build

In my heart was left a hole

A hole that you once filled

It couldn't be filled with just anything

I had to find the perfect fit

For it was a missing puzzle piece

And you, of course, were just it

But the piece of your puzzle fits somewhere else now

Somewhere that's far away

So until the day comes, that you'll want to come back

I'll just have to hope and pray

I love you girl,
always will,
Kathryn

burning flesh, searing pain
i want to do it all again
another match, or razor blade
create the wounds, that i have made

i don't have feelings
my body is numb
in an attempt to feel
i sometimes act dumb

but wait- it's back!
there's feeling once more
it now hurts so much
that my heart hits the floor

each time i take a breath
it hurts deep down inside
and the more i try to act alive?
it feels like i have died

so many tears run down my face
it's creating a heart broken flood
each and every tear is cutting me
and now i'm crying blood

sometimes it just gets to be too much
i try to turn outside in
hoping that i can make it hurt
more externally than within

salt & ice, matches, razor blades
whatever will do the trick
i know that it's not right
and it's a habit i should kick

but it just makes me feel so much better
it's as though it's something i need
the way you need oxygen to breath
i need blood when i'm feeling uneased

as they walk down the beach, on a warm summer's night
not a word comes from her mouth
it's not uncomfortable, or awkward
there's just so much to think about

he's just so perfect, and she loves him so much
he's almost too good to be true
she just wants to scream, as they walk down that beach
"go away! i'm not good enough for you!"

but as always, she remains silent
she hides it all deep down inside
she's ashamed to express her feelings
so they walk quietly side by side

it's just that she doesn't believe in God
and she doesn't want him to find out
she's tried so hard to make it seem real
but there always remains some doubt

he's christian, but she doesn't want to be
basically he's right and she's wrong
sooner or later she'll face it
but she's been avoiding it all along

she wants to believe, but it's so unreal
like a fairy tale that never comes true
and everything she's ever been led to believe
it seems she eventually outgrew

when you're little you believe in the tooth fairy
and the easter bunny and santa claus too
but as you get older, you learn it's a lie
so what if the bible's not true??

he tells her it's real, and she wants to believe
but she's heard it all before
she doesn't want to be let down again
so her heart has chosen to ignore

she continues to walk in silence
but tries hard to change her thoughts
her worries are slowly turned to questions
and she becomes rather distraught

"what's the point of living,
if you only live to die?"
"life always seems too pointless-
i can't help but wonder- why?"

she's very aware, these are dangerous thoughts
and she's walking on thin ice
but she really couldn't care less
she thinks dying would be nice!!

falling asleep and never waking up
it sounds like a dream come true
but she's tried it before, and it never seemed to work
she'd have to think of something new

it would have to look like an accident
so no one would think they're to blame
then she catches herself and her thoughts
she really just wants out of all this pain

"what am i planning?" she thinks..
"my life can't possibly be that bad"
as they walk a bit further, hand in hand
she thinks of the troubles she's had

last year, she completely stopped eating
because gymnastics relies on weight
her confidence and self-esteem
were based on how much she ate

her parents began to worry
and it became harder to cover up
so after she ate, she'd slip off to the bathroom
and force herself to throw-up

a lot of her friends are suicidal
and i guess it's worn off onto her
she's tried to kill herself too many times
and now she's a self-mutilator

she cuts herself when she's crying
because it seems to stop her tears
she cuts herself when she's scared
because it helps to calm her fears

she cuts herself when she's lonely
when she's frustrated or depressed
she cuts herself when she's mad at herself
cause she hasn't done her best

she cuts herself because it hurts so bad
that he just can't love her back
and she cuts herself because she knows
that he deserves better than that

she cuts herself because she doesn't believe
that God will work everything out
and as she strolls down the beach, with the one she loves
that's all she can think about

With A Glimmer

with a glimmer of hope
i take this blade
and slide it quickly
unafraid

there's a glimmer of desire
at seeing the other side
a glimmer of appeal
at testing this death ride

with a glimmer of allure
i take the pills, one by one
making sure to take them slow enough
to this time get it done

there's a glimmer of fascination
in this time doing it right
a glimmer at the end of the tunnel
the glimmer of that bright light

there's a glimmer of attraction
as i stare over the wall
a glimmer at the bottom
and i can't wait to fall

there's a glimmer of temptation
at hanging from that rope
at letting the life drain away
and staying away, i hope

there's a glimmer in the gun
in the barrel, just inside
i was trying to see it closely
when -BANG- it hit me and i died

Why Can't You Know??

Can't you hear me screaming?
Sharp, jagged words of rage?
Can't you hear me pleading?
To be let out of this cage?

Can't you smell the fear?
I can no longer hide..
You just follow the scent of the terror
Overwhelming me inside

Can't you taste the salt?
That's pouring from my eyes?
Also running down my legs..
From the cuts on my thighs....

Can't you feel the desperation?
Of this tortured soul?
Battered, bruised and broken
Longing to be whole..

Can't you see that I'm empty?
There's nothing left inside
The heart that once beat, long ago
Has withered away and died

Can't you tell that I'm dying?
I'm slowly fading away
If someone doesn't help me
I won't last another day

I'm in all your senses
So why don't you know?
How much it hurts?
How I long to let go??

What You Used To Do

You used to answer
When I would call
You used to catch me
When I would fall

You used to listen
And try to understand
When I was scared
You held my hand

You comforted me
All the times when I'd cry
You saved my life
When I wanted to die

Whenever I thought
There was no one there
You used to remind me
That you really did care

When things got real bad
And I just wanted out
You used to remind me
Of things I cared about

You used to help turn things
From wrong to right
And I sure could use
What you used to do
Tonight