I Think I Get It....

*written a LONG time ago*

- - - - - -

I finally understand
what's wrong with me
i just don't want things back
how they used to be

when i had to be perfect
and still thought i could
when i did everything over
till it was done as it should

now they think I'm a bad ass
I'm a rebel and I'm rough
but i can't let myself weaken
i have to prove i can be tough

I'm scared of the way
things used to be
too much was expected
of one person, that was me

so now that i know
how to let them down
i start to expect it
i want them to frown

i know they'll be disappointed
i know they'll disagree
so all the A's i used to get
turn to B's, then C's, then D's

I'm falling so far
so hard and so fast
they hope this delinquent
phase won't last

but it keeps on going
cause the further i go
the less my perfect phase
continues to show

the D's turn to F's
and I'm kicked out of school
finally I'm not smart!
they realize I'm a fool!

finally they don't
expect me to be
perfect and flawless
I'm finally free

Why I Drank....

**not my own**
- - - - - -
I drank to be witty-
and I became a boor
I drank to be a good dancer-
and it made me stagger
I drank to be a good conversationalist-
and I couldn't pronounce my words
I drank to be sociable-
and I became angry and resentful
I drank to help my appetite-
and I cheated my body of nutrition by not eating right
I drank to be a good lover-
and I couldn't perform
I drank to be popular-
and I lost my friends
I drank to show I was grown-up-
and I became a slobbering, bawling baby
I drank for camaraderie-
and drove everyone away from me
I drank to relax-
and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking
I drank to feel good-
and I suffered through sickening hangovers
I drank to escape-
and I built a prison for myself
I drank to be happy-
and it made me depressed
I drank to enjoy life-
and I contemplated suicide
I drank to find peace-
and I found hell

Reflection

I look in the mirror
and hate what i see
it's my own reflection
staring back at me

a vision, i see
much more than i should
a vision, i know
that's more harm than good

in the washroom, i see it
my reflection, in the bowl
swirling round and round
as the food goes down the hole

it shows up again
in a pool of blood
washing the pain
like water from a flood

the last time i see
the reflection of my frown
is in the water of the lake
as i stand and look down

i step into the vision
as i heave my final sigh
then i give up my breath
and let myself die