Somewhere In Between

i'm breathing on my own

they say i'm not quite dead

though i haven't yet let go

i'm hanging by a thread

they say i'm not quite dead

but my pulse is getting weak

my life is playing games

games of hide and seek

i'm not quite dead they say

but i'm getting pretty close

they say i don't have much time left

2 hours at the most

i'm not quite dead they say

but my stats have dropped real low

i'm in cardiac arrest

there isn't long to go

i seem to still be trying

though my vitals took a dive

they say i'm not quite dead

but i'm also not alive

FUCK UP

yeah, i fucked it up

so? what else is new?

i fuck up everything i try

fucking up is what i do

everyone was praying

asking God to help somehow

but i still fucked up, i still got kicked out

even God doesn't want me now

He doesn't want me to be happy

He doesn't care that i cry

He doesn't want me to get through this

He won't care when i die

You might think that's extreme

that i should still hang on

but i've been holding on for much too long

i just can't be that strong

i've been digging and digging a hole

it just gets more and more deep

finally they've covered the top

and left me in here to weep

but weeping, i won't do

i won't let them be satisfied

i'll sit by myself in that deep dark hole

till i've wasted away and died

maybe then they'll be happy

that they sent me home

that they pointed me to suicide

and caused me to write this poem

i hope that makes them happy

i hope from this they learn

that when you're not helped up to heaven

you're left in hell to burn

Behind A Smile

behind a happy smile

i hide the real true me

concealed deep down inside

where no one else can see

behind an actors smile

i play the part real well

though i'm really broken and dying

no one could ever tell

behind a naughty smile

i pretend to be real bad

so no one can see the truth

that i'm just so constantly sad

behind a cheerful smile

i act like i'm the best

i put on a fancy show

so i can pass their test

behind a flirty smile

i dance around for boys

i make them think i'm happy

and they use me as their toys

behind a timid smile

i glance at you to see

if you've fallen for my show

or if you see the real me

Together Again

I know that I can do this
God will pull me through
When I reach up, He'll reach down
And I'll become brand new

God will change me somehow
He'll give me a brand new start
He'll work miracles from the inside out
He'll start by mending my heart

He'll fix everything that's broken
Starting with my tightly clenched fists
He'll work His way through the problems
He'll sew up the wounds on my wrists

I know He'll make everything better
I just have to wait for when
But in His own timing, He'll make it right
He'll put me back together again

S.A.F.E.

i'm gonna get better

i'm gonna be well

no longer will i feel

like i'm living in hell

i won't want to hurt

i won't want to cry

in a few more weeks

i won't want to die

i'm learning to do it

learning how to live

i'm starting to see

i've got so much to give

i'll go home after SAFE

and everyone will see

this road i'm on thats leading

to a new and better me

** published in "Beyond The Razor's Edge"**

The Will To Get Well

it used to be

that i wanted to hurt

i thought i deserved it

i felt i was dirt

i used to take pleasure

in cutting my own skin

in using something sharp

in digging it right in

but it came to my attention

it occured to me one day

that i had to stop this action

i couldn't go on this way

i was hurting those around me

they were beginning to see

but what was most important

was i was also hurting me

so i began to look around

for something to help me learn

something that could teach me

not to cut and burn

i began to finally see

that this was no way to live

that i'd have to fix myself

before i'd have anything to give

so i've looked real deep inside

and as people now can tell

i've found something really special

it's the will to get well

Mercy Ministries

finish the program?

no! of course not!!

that's too much for me

that's asking a lot

that's not the way things work for me

there's not gonna be an end

i can't make it that far through

i'm never going to mend

i'm never going to feel content

these eyes will always cry

i'll never feel that sense of peace

i'll always want to die

forever and always i'll wait

for something that's not there

for something that'll never come

it all seems so unfair

all i want's a reason

a purpose for all this pain

something that makes it all worthwhile

like the sunshine after the rain

but i don't think anything's there

i don't believe it'll ever come

so i'm left without a hope

a pile of pills and a micky of rhum