Rachael Lois Nolan

**my glimmer**

She's only 5 years old
She doesn't know about me
She doesn't know how I am
It's still too much for her, you see

She's only 5 years old
And she'll be 6 in the blink of an eye
But that's still too young to know
I'll always have to lie

Soon she'll be seven
And then she'll be eight
But I still won't tell
She's got much longer to wait

"What happened to your arms?"
"Katie, what are all those marks?"
"Take off your sweatshirt if you're hot!"
"Katie, I want to go to the park!"

"I saw you remembered your swim suit,
Can we go swimming today?"
"Katie, please?? It's perfect!
It's too hot outside to play!"

But there's always a reason
There will always be a lie
She's not old enough to understand
What I do and why

What would they even tell her?
If I did commit suicide?
What can you possibly tell a child,
As to why her cousin chose to die?

So, she will be my glimmer
I'll do it for Rachael
I'll be good enough for her
I could never leave my angel

She doesn't need to know the truth
Not for many more years
For now she just needs me to love her
And help her dry her tears

I'll always be there for her
We'll talk about everything
No matter how many scars are hidden
Bedtime songs I will still sing

I'll live for Rachael and Andrew
I'll do my best for those kids
And someday I will die
But it won't be from something I did

People At The Hospital

Laura talks to people
that no one else can hear
she listens to what they tell her
and she lives in constant fear

then there are Emily and Caitlin
both of them are so thin
Emily doesn't eat anything
Caitlin throws up what goes in

Holden is the youngest
he's a very troubled boy
he stabs himself with needles
says they're his favourite toy

Caroline and Fiona
both are really sad
they cut and burn their skin
and always act so mad

Hilda's really old
her husband Arthur is here too
but whether they're sick or just really old
none of us ever knew

Trista is a deaf girl
she feels lonely and left out
she's always throwing fits
she'll kick and scream, and shout

Tom is an old nurse
he has short, white hair
he gives out the meds
and tries to make things fair

Saundra is my favourite
i know she actually tries
she is real nice and pretty
she comforts me when i cry

Marnie the dietician
tries to teach us how to eat
but she's not around too often
and it's really easy to cheat

Dr. Brown and Dr. Catona
are always trying to make me well
but i'm not gonna get any better
of this i can surely tell

others come in and out
but none of them stay long
it's when they keep you forever
that you know something's really wrong

there's so many of us here
so different but all the same
everyone with their own problems
but getting out is always our aim

all locked in the same hospital
labelled similarly insane
all of us trying so hard to escape
not just the place, but the pain

One Question

i looked at the clock when i woke up
it read 10:52
i knew i should get out of bed
and find something productive to do

but, something just wouldn't allow it
it held me down, lying in bed
it wouldn't let me move a muscle
not even lift up my head

i was debating a really tough question
and i couldn't tell wrong from right
i just knew i had to find the answer
of whether to give up this fight

a nurse, she brought me some pills
in a little plastic cup
i dumped them all in my mouth
and with water i swallowed them up

those ones were just for the morning
anti-depressants to keep me sane
to try and help me keep smiling
not just in the sun, but the rain

the pills are supposed to help this decision
they're supposed to guide me to the right choice
but i'm still just utterly me
listening to that cold, dark voice

in the afternoon, it was a different nurse
with that same little plastic cup
once more i tossed in the pills
and used water to swallow them up

the afternoon brings anti-anxiety meds
and anti-psychotics too
they make me real sleepy so i doze off again
leaving the question till further ado

i wake up a few hours later
and i can almost get up this time
but before i step down, i hear the nurse
as up the stairs she does climb

this time she's got more of the same
got to make me real tired, right?
i swallow them down willingly
so this time i'll sleep through the night

that question though.. what was it?
i had to answer it today....
i needed to take some action
i cannot go on this way

but, i just don't have the energy
so i sit alone and sigh
one question, took my all today
whether to live or die

Nature Felt My Pain

the wind blew hard and rough today
the trees could barely stand
flowers were pulled from their roots
by the wind that rushed the land

the sun chose not to rise today
the world was dark and black
it was also rather cold
the warmth we sure did lack

the waves were rough at sea today
the ships, they lost their way
they left from the calm harbour
but drifted off astray

there was a sudden earthquake
the earth, it broke apart
each and every crack that formed
was imprinted on my heart

today was so cold and windy
that everyone ran inside
even animals, used to rough winters
ran to their homes to hide

all of nature fell apart today
it was a great big mess
i have gone numb, and no longer feel
so, the world took on my stress

and now people watch in horror
at the destruction of the land
and they wonder how i kept it inside
when i was the one dealt this hand

i cry as i explain, "i tried so hard"
"i didn't want you to see"
i didn't want the world to feel this pain
so i kept it inside of me

but, now it's been let out
and now the whole world knows
that if something's not done with our broken hearts
the world will suffer all of our woes