Not Alone

Alone

She sits on the train

Looking out the window

At the blue sky & the sun shining outside

--

She sits close to the window

Trying to let the sun in

Hoping it'll penetrate her shell

And warm up that cold, empty space inside her chest

Where her heart's supposed to be

--

But there's a storm raging in her soul

And all the sun in the world

Couldn't outshine her sorrows

--

So she moves away from the window

And closes her eyes

Hoping that for once, her dreams will take her to a happy place

--

Where she has friends

And it doesn't hurt to smile

Where she's never scared

And her body doesn't ache with it's hollow emptiness

--

But as usual, her head is filled with nightmares

Broken hearts & shattered souls

Torn people, longing to be whole again

--

Oddly enough- she's comforted with the feeling that she's not alone

--

That others are struggling just like her

And that there are more empty chests

Raging with terrible storms

--

More arms that are scarred and hidden from the rest of the world

More fears

More secrets

More heartache's

More pain

--

Just as she's starting to settle in to this strange, alternate world

She's jolted awake by a loud clap of thunder

--

She looks out the window

The sun is gone, and the blue skies have turned to gray

There's rain streaming down the glass beside her

And she moves over a little, the water pouring down the sides of the train reminds her of the tears pouring in her soul

--

A bolt of lightening flashes across the sky and she moves a little closer

The jagged streak in the sky almost identical to the scars on her arms

And, she finds that when she looks right at it, she can close her eyes and see the funny shape

Like the scars, that begin to fade, but when she closes her eyes, are all she can see

--

She moves right over, as close as she can get when she hears another clap of thunder

She's no longer alone

For at least these breif few moments, the world is storming like she is

--

And if she pays close attention to the storm outside

If she listens carefully for the thunder

And concentrates on counting until the lightening flashes

--

She finds, much to her amusement

That it can almost drown out the sounds of the storm in her soul

--

For the first time she can remember

In many, many years

She is comforted

And not completely alone

I smiled, and I learned to pretend

I don't have very many childhood memories
But the ones I do have, aren't happy
--
I remember being scared at a very young age
Being lost and alone
--
I remember being sad
So upset that all I could do was cry
--
But I don't remember ever being happy
--
I don't know if there are documented cases of depression at such an early age
But I am convinced that I was a depressed little girl
Undiagnosed until I was 15, but I'm sure it started as early as 5
--
--
I was always sad
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings
I didn't want to go to school
I remember, literally, crying over spilled milk at school
And the awful, hollow ache in my chest, as I tried so hard to hold in the tears so they wouldn't spill over in front of my classmates
--
The many bathroom breaks so that I could go cry all alone in a stall
--
The funny excuses and explanations of why my eyes were always tearing and watering
--
--
I couldn't eat
I came home every day and yelled at my mom for sending me too much food
So every day she sent a little bit less
Until I was only taking a few carrot sticks, a couple crackers and a junior juice
And still, I couldn't finish it all
--
--
I was so tired of being the one with no friends
The one who would rather spend recess in the corner alone
Curled up in a ball, playing with the people in my head
--
I learned my lesson fast
No one likes that child
So I used the summer between 1st and 2nd grades to practice
--
And when I came back in the fall
I told my "friends" that they'd have to wait until school ended
I had to play with the "real" people during the day
--
I came into my classroom on the first day of school, a brand new girl
Faking perfection, I had so much potential
--
I took a deep breath
Put all my Kleenex in the garbage can
And walked inside
--
I smiled
I made friends
And I learned to pretend

Here I Am

Baggy clothes and makeup

Hide my once flawless body

But one day

Some day soon

Those clothes will be replaced

I won't be able to hide anymore

My hair will be pulled back

Off my face

And you'll be forced to look into my eyes

--

Here I am

I'll say

The walking, waking dead

Forced to walk

Death has rejected me

Too many times

--

Here I am

Perfection once caressed my skin

But now my long sleeves and pants have been removed

And taken away from me

Leaving my arms and legs bare

--

Here I am

The flesh that was once a clean white canvas covering my body

Has been hacked at and burned away

With cigarettes and razor blades

--

Here I am

Rotted to the core

Perfections gone

And now it's showing

--

Here I am

If only it hadn't been so hot

Maybe my mask wouldn't have fallen to the ground

But there was too much sweat on my face

And now it's gone

--

It's cold now

And if I could find a glue stick

Maybe I could glue the mask back into place

But it wouldn't do any good

You've already seen past the mask

Only I was supposed to know what hid beyond it

But now you've seen the truth

--

Here I am

There you are

What would you say if I asked you what you see?

Not what you see when you look the other way

But what you see when you look at me?

What you see when you look into my eyes?

--

Is it the same thing I see when I look in the mirror?

--

A girl in a bubble

Trapped in a clear box

Set in the middle of a busy street

Watching the world go on around her

With no one even realizing she's gone

--

A girl waiting

Waiting for the thief who stole her soul

To return it

To leave it on her front door steps

--

A girl watching

Watching to see who took her life away so instantly

And left the crumbs to be so miserable

--

Waiting and watching to see who it is

Not realizing it was herself all along

--

It was all stolen so long ago

She knows she could never be mended

--

A needle and thread

Would do her no good

--

She hopes the mirror is lying

That it's telling a fib

But she recognizes the distortion

She's lived with it too long

She knows it to be her own

--

There she is

There I am

Lying to everyone but myself

--

I always knew my world would crash

But I never expected it to be so soon

I didn't think the fall would hurt so bad

That the ground would be so cold

That the harsh wind would give my body such goose bumps

That the water filling up my world

Would take away my breath so fast

--

I didn't think death would turn me away so many times

--

I always thought that by now

Surely

I'd be gone

Can You Ever Really Start Over??

Tulips

Spring time

Starting over

New life

But, how do you start over, with all the memories?

How do you ever forget the past?

Is there any way to erase what's already been done??

When you try to forget something that you've known so well & for so long

It's like trying to remember something that never really happened

Someone you've never even met

For, even if I could "start over"

"Forget" how good it feels

"Erase" the scars....

I would still be broken

My heart has been shattered too many times

I will never be whole again

And even that's impossible

See, once it's in your head, you become this strange new breed....

A life form that loves to fantasize it's own demise

And forgetting becomes like trying to wash off a permanent tattoo with soap and water

It'll never work

And the harder you scrub, the longer you work at it, the harder you try

The more frustrated you will become

Until it eventually leads to madness

You can cover it up, but it'll always be there, underneath

See, even if I was given some sort of ECT or lazer treatment

I could develop a sort of amnesia....

But even without remembering the past

I would still feel the hole

The ever-present, aching gap in my chest

Where my heart's supposed to be

And all I have to do is look down

See the scars on my arms & legs

To be forever reminded of how much better it felt

Putting them there in the first place