What If?

What if I can't get over this?
What if I don't know what to do?
What if it just never gets better?
What if it's never through?

What if the pain is too much?
What if these tears always fall?
What if I decide tonight?
That I can't handle it all?

What if as I sit here alone?
Listening to what people say?
What if I think it'd be better?
To make it all go away?

When you say you love me,
What if it's a lie?
What if I make a choice,
To give up and no longer try?

What if I can't make it through the night?
What if it's too hard to try?
What if I sit here alone?
And write letters that say good-bye?

What if you stop loving me??
It'll only prove me right
And give me one more reason
To give up the fight

What if I can't stop wanting this?
What if it's all I think about?
What if I can't let it go?
I can't get rid of the doubt?

What if I died tonight?
Would anyone even care?
What if I decide right now?
That I no longer dare?

War

There are bombs
Going off all around
Explosions and shots
Are the only sounds

There is a battle being fought
And the winner receives peace
Only when it's over
Will the fighting cease

The winners will live
The losers will die
The winners will party
The losers will cry

Everyone suffers
So much dying and pain
All for something
They hope to gain

So much anger
So much rage
What happens next?
Lets turn the page

This war is raging
In my heart
No one is winning
I'm just falling apart

Sticks and Stones

Memory Flashback-

a long time ago
little girls jumping rope
children's laughter and giggles
boys appear, making us mope..
water balloons explode
all around
"gross! girls have cooties!"
the chant does sound
but we are quick
to reply
wet and cocky
with smiles so sly....

"sticks and stones may break our bones, but your words will never hurt us!!"

Reality Check-

a young woman
in front of a mirror
staring so blankly
down her cheek runs a tear
his words repeat in her mind
chanting loud and strong
"you worthless slut, you stupid bitch.."
her mind starts to go along..
she presses the blade, into her arm
and revises the silly old song

"sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words are what will kill me.."

Roses Are Red

roses are red
so is the blood
that runs down my arm
just like a flood

violets are blue
just like the bruise
that looks like it hurts
but really it soothes

sugar is sweet
but causes decay
everything good
slowly wastes away

i am the blood
i made the bruise
i'll waste away
and let myself lose

Rachael (6)

Rachael- "Hey, Katie, what are those marks?"
Me- "Oh, I was playing with a cat that scratched me...."
Rachael- "Again?!?"
Me- "yeah" (shit.. when did i use that one on her?) "well, no- it's the same one, they haven't gone away yet."

She's too young to know
She's just 6 today
What am I supposed to tell her?
What do you think I should say?

She wouldn't understand
I wouldn't know where to start
But if she knew that I'd done it myself??
Oh, God.. Bless her poor little heart..

She's very mature for her age
But still she cannot know
Adults live in a different world
And she's still got much further to grow

Before I'd consider telling the truth
Of my terrible, horrible past
I'd have to know she'd be ok
That she would accept it and move passed

See, Grown-ups don't live in the same world
That children often do
Their realities are shifted
And their perceptions of them too

Children are so innocent
So uncorrupted, and naive
Growing up shows us tragic realities
That shape who we'll turn out to be

The world around us starts to crumble
We see crime and pain galore
And as we turn one more year older
Our hearts drop and hit the floor

Our softness starts to harden
We begin to turn to stone
And we finally see the reality
That we're in this thing alone

Although she may be well intentioned
Mommy can't protect us forever
And no matter how badly he wants to
Daddy can't make everything better

We first experience heart break
And lots of other shit
And for the first time in our lives
Hugs and kisses don't fix it

Things start going wrong
And we try to hide
And suddenly start looking
For a solution- suicide

NO!!!!

No!!
I do not have behavioural issues
I am simply distracted
And rightfully so

No!!
I do not have emotional instabilities
I just handle things differently
Because of how things have been dealt with in my past

No!!
I do not suffer from mental illness
I have only reacted this way
Because of certain experiences that I have been through

No!!
I do not have psychological difficulties
It's only a matter of knowing
Knowing things I haven't yet learned

No! No! No!!
I do not have brain disfunctions
Or psychiatric problems
Or neurological handicaps
I am none of these things!!
I am just a scared, and confused 4 year old child
Trapped in the body of an 18 year old young woman

Please don't expect too much from me
I appear to be 14 years ahead of my time
But I am too young to understand

Be patient while the little girl learns to deal with her fears, and frustrations
Maybe then the young woman can too

My Wall

I built a wall, around my heart
Because I wanted to hide
My secret doubts and fears
I kept all tucked inside

But keeping the bad things from getting out
Wasn't the way to win
For my wall, it worked both ways
And the good things couldn't get in

I'm trying hard to knock it down
I want to let you near
But I worked so hard to build my wall
I'm stuck inside, I fear

Somewhere there lies a flaw
An imperfection in the stack
That's the key to getting out
From a flaw I can cause a crack

And each crack I can create
In my tall, strong wall
Will very slowly weaken the stack
Till a stone begins to fall

Over time each stone I laid
Will tumble down below
And my heart will be set free
The real me, can then show

I know it will be hard
I have lots of work to do
But I won't give up, I'll keep on trying
Until I can break through