Flashback

I can still smell them
the alcohol on their breaths
the cigarettes they'd been smoking
there was one main guy
I wish I knew who it was
it's all a little hazy from the drugs
but I remember feelings
I remember feeling him
his dirty fingernails; his rough, calloused hands; all over places they shouldn't be
in my own bed, in my own room, of my own house- I should have been safe
my body wasn't the only thing raped that night
my sense of security was torn away from me as well
I denied it for so long....
now I'm resigned to admit the truth
that my first time was to a bunch of drunk idiots at a party
it was almost 13 years ago
and I still feel it
and taste it
and smell it
like it only happened moments ago
and I don't want to live anymore