Saturday, October 17, 2015

Goodbye letter to Self Injury


Dear SI,

I’ve known you for a really long time now- I think I was 14 when we first met, so we’ve pretty much grown up together.  It’s been a crazy relationship, a long relationship, but it’s over.  And it’s over for good this time, I won’t take you back again, so don’t come begging. 

John 10:10 says that “the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy”, and that is you- you are the thief.  You’re a thief and a liar.  You told me that you would help me, that you would make things better, but you didn’t, instead everything got worse.  You told me that you would take the pain away, but every time it came back it only brought more.  You told me that you’d help me cope with things, but you only gave me more to deal with.  You said you’d bring hope, and escape, and freedom, and that you were the only friend I’d ever need- but it was all a lie.  You promised me a bright, shiny future, but it gets darker and darker with every single thing you take away.  
You’ve taken everything I loved the most.  You scared away my best friends, who swore they’d be there forever, but they just couldn’t compete with you anymore.  You stole my love for gym and cheerleading- I used to love training, more than anything, but I began to dread it, because I would always be asked to take off my sweatshirts, remove the extra layers of clothing that were keeping you safe from people’s prying eyes.  You stole my education from me- before I met you, I had hardly ever gotten in trouble; I was a freaking golden child.  Now, thanks to you, I’ve completed extra assignments, I’ve sat through detentions and in-school suspensions, I’ve slept through the out-of-school suspensions, I’ve even been asked to leave, or “take a break”.  I’ve struggled to keep my place in certain programs, I’ve been fired from jobs, I’ve been dragged away, literally, what people mean when they say “she went kicking and screaming”.  I’ve been sent away to try and get rid of you, but you’ve managed to follow me wherever I’ve gone.  You’ve stolen my life savings, which has all been spent on stupid supplies from the pharmacy and new blades, or wasted on clothing and bedding and towels that you’ve ruined with ugly blood stains.  Not to mention the time you’ve stolen from me.  I cannot even begin to count how much time has been spent on cutting, and thinking about cutting, and cutting, and covering up cutting, and cutting, and dreaming about cutting, and more cutting….  Not to mention burning, and other forms of self-harm.  You’ve taken all the best parts of my life and replaced them with ugly scars. 

It’s going to be hard to be alone, we’ve been together for nearly 18 years now, but it’s time.  It’s time to move on.  I get that I am sick, and that’s what led me to you in the first place.  You were supposed to kill the depression, but you nearly killed me instead.  He’s just another liar, depression.  I know that now.  He wants me to believe that I’m worthless, but it’s not true.  I deserve more than this. 
Thanks for being there over the years, but this is the final good bye.  I don’t want to hear anymore lies- I need you out of my life. 

Please leave me alone now,
I don’t want to hear from you, ever again. 


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